The Northern Monkey Survival Guide - How to Hold on to Your Northern Cred in a World Filled with Southern Jessies £2 @ Waterstones online or instore - HotUKDeals
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The Northern Monkey Survival Guide - Hardback
Free del to store or if you spend £10+

Synopsis
For too long northerners have faced derision at the hands of southerners, whether it be about the northern climate, their thriftiness, or gloomy outlook, but all this is about to change. Now is the time for northerners to rise up as one and growl, 'I'm from t'North and I'm proud!' After all, where would southerners be today without the hallowed Yorkshire pudding, or stainless steel, open-cast mines or Peter Kay? "The Northern Monkey Survival Guide" is a collection of reasons to love the North, together with some useful survival tips for anyone who dares to venture south of Birmingham. This book includes: a north-south currency conversion guide - what a cheese and onion buttie is called and costs; the Northern Monkey hall of fame - the greatest northerners in history; and, places to avoid in the 'Beautful South'.
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#1
what a pile of sh!te - it assumes we give a toss what the shandy drinkers think :roll:
#2
I think we'd be a lot better off without Peter Kay imo, not a great selling point. Useless looking book unless you live up north and need to live in a stereotype.
1 Like #3
janz70
what a pile of sh!te - it assumes we give a toss what the shandy drinkers think :roll:


diGriz
I think we'd be a lot better off without Peter Kay imo, not a great selling point. Useless looking book unless you live up north and need to live in a stereotype.


Chill guys. It's just a book for 2 quid:)
#4
poppoppop
Chill guys. It's just a book for 2 quid:)


I've gotten to a point where I have so much that tat like this is a nuisance. Once you get to that point a one joke wonder book, about a divide that isn't that evident any more, seems useless. Not a flame just an opinion. Although I stand by my Peter Kay point, unfunny asshat that he is.
#5
2 quid.......! thats a night out, house chips and still have t'bus fare home t'up north .....in a cracked cup
#6
Went up north once. Didn't like it much. Came back to civilisation.

PS Birmingham is NOT in the north (quite)!
#7
I don't understand - what's a Northerner going to do with this? It's a book.
#8
martinmarv
I don't understand - what's a Northerner going to do with this? It's a book.


:w00t:
#9
martinmarv
I don't understand - what's a Northerner going to do with this? It's a book.


Beat the pulp out a Southern ponce with it?
#10
poppoppop
Beat the pulp out a Southern ponce with it?


:thumbsup:
#11
Does anyone know how thick it is?

One of my tables' legs is a bit short.
#12
Gentlemen, ...please!
#13
This book needs only contain one thing:
http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Cookbook:Deep_Fried_Mars_Bar

Sorry I couldn't resist :thumbsup:
#14
poppoppop
Beat the pulp out a Southern ponce with it?


Funny how the first instinct isn't to try reading it...
#15
No8
Funny how the first instinct isn't to try reading it...


Sorry mate... just finishing The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists at the moment. So I thought I put this book to some good use in the meantime. Where d'ya live?:whistling:
#16
[email protected]
This book needs only contain one thing:
http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Cookbook:Deep_Fried_Mars_Bar

Sorry I couldn't resist :thumbsup:


how thick are you - the scots do that, fail geography did you.numpty :prop:

and I thought everything past Watford was classed as the north to you pearly queens ;-)

the only good thing to come out of the south is the M1:p

theres hardly any english people down south its full of totally legal and justified migrants so a book on foreign languages would serve you better :whistling:
1 Like #17
As a Boltonian slumming it in London for 10 Years, trying to do missionary work educating the southern masses, I'm hoping this book will help me teach southerners how to say the t in water and say Bath and path without a random r in the middle...it may also help in showing how to give way on pavements, smile on the tube and hold a door open for someone. Southerners buy it!
#18
bosox
As a Boltonian slumming it in London for 10 Years, trying to do missionary work educating the southern masses, I'm hoping this book will help me teach southerners how to say the t in water and say Bath and path without a random r in the middle...it may also help in showing how to give way on pavements, smile on the tube and hold a door open for someone. Southerners buy it!


Now there's a post worth registering for :thumbsup:
#19
is this nothern uk vs southern uk? or northern hemisphere vs southern hemisphere?

I have to do my uk naturalisation test soon so this might be useful :)
#20
They should make one for the North East, because as far as I know, people only recognise Manchester as up North. To be honest though, that just proves the lack of intelligence down south, and the pure arrogance.

It could be fair to say southerners are almost as hated as americans up here ^^ Same people, different accent.
#21
Guys....a bit of north/south banter is fine but let's lay off the race stuff......please!!:thumbsup:
#22
My brother got me this for Christmas - much funnier than I was expecting and looking to get a couple more copies for some mates. Perfect reading for when you're on t'outside bog with only a pack of tabs and yer whippet to keep you warm
#23
janz70
let me guess your from darn sarf:roll:


Nope was trying to pre-empt any "smart" replies that came back
#24
mcnolegs
My brother got me this for Christmas - much funnier than I was expecting and looking to get a couple more copies for some mates. Perfect reading for when you're on t'outside bog with only a pack of tabs and yer whippet to keep you warm


I was umming and ahhing before, but after reading this I bought the book for my housemate's birthday. Sounds like it'll be right up his street :-D
#25
I personally love beating the crap out of Northern monkeys, just to prove stereotypes aren't always accurate.

[QUOTE=striker33]Truth.
#26
[email protected]
This book needs only contain one thing:
http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Cookbook:Deep_Fried_Mars_Bar


Different country entirely (Scotland).
#27
No8
Funny how the first instinct isn't to try reading it...


:)
#28
mcnolegs
My brother got me this for Christmas - much funnier than I was expecting and looking to get a couple more copies for some mates. Perfect reading for when you're on t'outside bog with only a pack of tabs and yer whippet to keep you warm


And I bet its softer than IZAL guilt edge!!
#29
Every time I have to go up north for work I leave amazed how desolate and desperate it is up there.

For the record I would argue that the North South divide is a diagonal line from the wash (Kings Lynn) down to Bristol. East Anglia and Bristol are southern, everything above it is northern. The midlands are far more nothern than southtern.

All of Wales feels Northern as does Birmingham, terraced houses with no front gardens, general greyness and depressing tone etc.
#30
Corrie Vs. Eastenders - 'nuff said.
#31
raigxi
Corrie Vs. Eastenders - 'nuff said.


You mean everybody loses? One embarassing soap vs another embarassing soap.
1 Like #32
Golaboots888
Every time I have to go up north for work I leave amazed how desolate and desperate it is up there.

For the record I would argue that the North South divide is a diagonal line from the wash (Kings Lynn) down to Bristol. East Anglia and Bristol are southern, everything above it is northern. The midlands are far more nothern than southtern.All of Wales feels Northern as does Birmingham, terraced houses with no front gardens, general greyness and depressing tone etc.

Education in the south seems to be a priority:whistling:



I agree, i mean the desirability of the East end of London is plain for all to see:whistling: the des res that is Hackney, Lewisham, Tottenham , Southhall, Greenford, Northolt, Acton etc etc just makes me green with envy Not withstanding the soulless mockney satellite towns around the Capital.............. Luton, Dustable & Reading, most of Surrey think there Cockneys because it is within 20/40 mls from London
There are depressing area`s in ALL parts of the UK, it seems to be only certain Southerners that
cant see the wood for the tower block
#33
Birmingham is definitely in the south. I recall the TV comedy series "The Grimley's", set in Dudley. When a school coach trip went to Jodrell Bank, a sign on the M6 clearly said "Welcome to Cheshire You Soft Southern Jessies".

To me, the South starts as you go under that bridge across the M6 (somewhere after the Stoke turn-off travelling south) that has had a barrier across the middle for the last 40 years or so.

My own philosophy is "as long as people in the South are happy to think they are wealthier than us Northerners, then let them have their pleasure".
#34
striker33
Truth.

Watched the Arsenal match the other day, every time the camera went to the fans me and my m8 played a little game of spot the Englishman. It was a stalemate of course, not one to be seen :whistling:


Hardly surprising when they dont have no one in the team who is english
Time they brought back the 2 johnny's rule:x
#35
As a proud Englishman I am sad to see the casual rascism and general ***** spouted on here , the book itself puts ourselves apart , an arrogant (oh of course only having a laugh) title if ever there was one , the North and South all have bad parts , I am a Southerner who lives in the North now , the jellied eel and that rubbish is true about the home counties as is the Mancunian from Warrington and Scouser from the Wirral and Southport ! Just jib the book full stop what a waste , the North/South divide only exists when the media want it to , I have made more money in the North than the South but for the South the weather is truly ***** up here .
#36
[email protected]
This book needs only contain one thing:
http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Cookbook:Deep_Fried_Mars_Bar

Sorry I couldn't resist :thumbsup:


See?
Southern jessies know as little about geography as americans!

Deep fried mars bars are a Scottish "delicacy" .
Just because Scotland is at the top of the map, doesn't mean it's northern England!!!:x
#37
And from this delicacy I am sure you will now know that Scotland is the fattest nation on the Earth after the Americans , so yes the Scots can have the fried mars bar , wheres the salad ?
#38
garv
Education in the south seems to be a priority:whistling:




And nit-picking in the north?

As long as the northerners do as they are told and hand over all their road-gritting salt instead of putting it on their chips then we don't need to invade.
#39
simon50
I was umming and ahhing before, but after reading this I bought the book for my housemate's birthday. Sounds like it'll be right up his street :-D

Cobbled presumably?
#40
Makkems, smoggies, monkey hangers are normally too busy abusing each other to tackle issues of social justice. Reading these posts one would think that the backwards parts of Britain(the north) is full of thick racists. Surely that can't be true.

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