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christophersmum Avatar
8y, 5d agoPosted 8 years, 5 days ago
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christophersmum Avatar
8y, 5d agoPosted 8 years, 5 days ago
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#1
you bought the toys? does that not mean they are yours? tell her you already had a clean out. Tough luck really i'd say.
#2
reserved for what.

sadly as upsetting as it is i dont think it is your battle. can the mum and dad not talk this through or they on horried ground. other than that stand the ground your doing a great job of supporting the dad, the kid will come running when he gets bored lnely or his mum grounds him too much. tell the kid to get his own toys he is 12.
#3
hugs hun....feel sorry for ur partner...not right what the mum is doing..stupid woman!
#4
christophersmum
I hoping I can list a happy ending there one day !!

parents on horrid ground. dad now signed off with depression. I keep telling him with xmas round the corner I'm sure Paul will come back in a week or two... he's VERY materialistic, but i'm scared if he doesn't what it will do to his dad.


I really feel for you, I'd stand your ground if you can.
#5
maybe suggest a fresh approach all round, suggest by letter maybe, that paul selects charity for his old childish toys and that both parents contribute and equal amount for new from off which he selects. then run with this sort of system to avoid trouble. explain that his choices will grow with age not tantrums and the toys are a start of this. if it works run it through all the time.
[helper]#6
Let Paul have his toys. At the end of the day the kid is stuck in a battle between two parents (with the mum putting pressure on him to side with her). Why punish the kid by withholding the toys?
#7
fingers crossed for a happy ending, im sure if he is materialistic then he will be back in time for xmas.
banned#8
They are his toys and surely they werent given to him with conditions attached
#9
perhaps there is an aunt or uncle to mediate and decide which is fair with parents out of picture. takes tension out for a while. lets kid feel in control til it settles.
#10
so long as he has a place at yours kept for him he should come out of it ok. you have to keep your sanity in the meantime.
#11
take letter to solicitor and ask the solicitor to read it to him then or someone paul trusts or chooses. leave communication down for a while until he sees what its like with mum one on one 24/7 might be rude awakening.
#12
you could always say that at his mums are the toys she gets him and he uses there and the toys you got he uses at yours then
#13
best way is to ask paul all the time as best you can. let him decide then you are always in the clear
#14
What type of toys are they? Are they things he actually uses?

If so.. give them to him, they are his, and he shouldnt forfeit them because he doesnt want to live with his dad anymore.

Imho its pretty simple
#15
i have five kids myself from 4-16 and i try to get them to make choices as much as possible after a few years of trouble. so now they choose. explain options and then let them run with it.
#16
worst case ask some mediation charity for help they do great work and are well able to keep this out of court and sort out a system for you all. its too hard when you are so close. the toys arent really the issue after all its control. if it isnt seen to its heading to nasty legal battle no winners just solicitors.
#17
good luck and good night. pm if need any more thoughts
1 Like #18
Sorry to say this, but from your OP it seems that the little 12 year old is having some serious issues since you and your 7 year old recently moved in.
He's gone from having his dad all to himself to POSSIBLY viewing himself as bottom of the pile. He's bound to be upset.
Dad needs to handle this very very carefully and somehow see and talk to his boy. The toys are really irrelevant but they are 'Paul's' and so there is no reason why he should not have them.
12 is a very very vulnerable age. 'Paul' needs to feel loved and wanted and it doesn't matter how badly he's behaving - I would think it's only to be expected.
#19
Keep the toys. Only because you can show paul (whos 12, not 16. He's a child) that he still belongs to the family. Giving his toys away can be interpreted as 'getting rid of him' and he may never talk to his dad again.

Tell him no matter what happens he is ALWAYS welcome and everything he has left will still be his at your home.

He maybe a spoilt brat but at 12 they are testing boundries. And any kid learns manipulation and are usually very good at him. He will grow up but it's a testing time as he can see his parents warring and then his dad has a girlfriend with a little girl moving into what he see's as his household. He will get used to it with having a support system in place between him and his dad that he understands and can feel safe.

If your still having doubts there are always family sessions in therepy to help everyone handle the changes and to help him understand.
#20
Legal position = The law is not interested in who bought the toys.

Give the toys to the child if that is what he wants. Why you want to keep the child's toys is...Childish.
banned#21
I really hope you dont take this the wrong way but can you take a stand back and read this thread as if it was happening to someone you didnt know, because it doesnt sound very nice on either sides to be honest and whatever is said we are talking about a 12 year child here, not someone who has lifes experience of cack relationships, adult mentality will not even enter his head.
[mod] 1 Like #22
I feel sorry for the kid. He's most likely confused, hurt, worried etc

At the end of the day your feelings aren't paramount...........all that really matters is him and trying to make him secure. Trying to point score amongst yourselves and aiming for oneupmanship is pathetic and you're all as bad as each other.

As for :

but his dad isn't so soft now he has me behind him


You sound wonderful and a real help. :roll:
#23
but he is heading towards adulthood which is starting earlier and earlier whether we like it or not and he has to understand that systems need to be in place like at school regardless of what goes on. he has to learn about relationships good and bad and how to deal with it with help whether has toys or not.
#24
Sorry OP I can understand that you are annoyed but they are his toys, he is a child caught in the middle
banned#25
128plant
but he is heading towards adulthood which is starting earlier and earlier whether we like it or not and he has to understand that systems need to be in place like at school regardless of what goes on. he has to learn about relationships good and bad and how to deal with it with help whether has toys or not.


Learning about relationships comes to us all, theres a good way of learning and a bad one, this aint a good one seeing who can score the best points. This child maybe a spoilt brat but who made him one, shall we take all the adult toys away form them too, oh no i forget he cant as he is only a child
#26
he needs to know what he is allowed to decide and what not for his age stages like all kids.
#27
and adults for that matter
#28
Having arrived a bit late and just read all the posts to catch up, something no-one has said is how Paul is going to feel if you refuse to give him his toys. Yes hes got a huff on just now, but given time he'll see there's no point and come round hopefully. Give him REASON to be peed at you and youll just become the bad parents who took away his toys, and although 12 may seem mature, 12 = child = toys important. Blackmailing him into visiting tjust o get to play with them wont endear him to either of you.

Im sure you will do what you feel to be right, I hope it turns out to be the right thing whatever you do.

G'Luck.
banned#29
128plant
he needs to know what he is allowed to decide and what not for his age stages like all kids.


blackmail is not a nice trait to install into a child
#30
all sorts of experiences including the changing relationships have made him a spoilt brat
#31
its not blackmail its creating systems that develop with age and understanding.
#32
its irrelevant whether he has toys or not the battle will move to the next thing that can be found
#33
i am from northern ireland i think we have learned a lot about conflict here.
banned#34
128plant
its not blackmail its creating systems that develop with age and understanding.


its blackmail or punishment, you decide
#35
just trying to pass on some resolution suggestions so dont barge me
#36
Give him the ones he really wants and keep some others at your house. Tell him he's always welcome and they will be there for when he visits or if he even wants to come back. It seems like you have other children (your hukd name) so are there any they are currently using or really want to? I'd consider asking 'Paul' if your other kids could use them for the time being.
#37
its kids not keeping to systems that has kids running amok these days. a system always has its benefits because decisions can be positive and not negative
#38
why are you looking for the negative anyhow sassie
#39
the kid has no direction and with warring parties a system can unify and be set up fairly for all to follow, just like the ordinary working folk or school pupils
#40
sickly sweet
Give him the ones he really wants and keep some others at your house. Tell him he's always welcome and they will be there for when he visits or if he even wants to come back. It seems like you have other children (your hukd name) so are there any they are currently using or really want to? I'd consider asking 'Paul' if your other kids could use them for the time being.


not to disagree, but seeing as the new kids on the block moving in has triggered this huff, asking him to now share his toys with them when he's 'gone' will drive him farther away.

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