A Few Friday Jokes - HotUKDeals
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A Few Friday Jokes

ViperKeith Avatar
7y, 5d agoPosted 7 years, 5 days ago
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl..
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Bolton fan, and proud of it ,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Bolton fan?'
'Because my mum is a Bolton fan, and my dad is a Bolton fan, so I'm a Bolton fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Bolton fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.




An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.



A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said ' Hi , I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £ 200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'



Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc
ViperKeith Avatar
7y, 5d agoPosted 7 years, 5 days ago
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Comments/page:
#1
:giggle:
#2
Nice one sent these to a mate in Liverpool :-D
#3
:roll:
#4
Benitez sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker
One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on the field he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the lad comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me".
"Wonderful," says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time!"
With this news, the young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, except I'm so sorry".
"Sorry!" exclaims his mum. "It's your fault we all moved to Liverpool in the first place!" :whistling:
#5
mikebike
Nice one sent these to a mate in Liverpool :-D


so did i:-D - they're good


are you innit
HUKD Secret Santa
#6
lmfao :-)
#7
A Manc walks into a bar dressed up in his new Man U shirt and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Bill Shankly on the wall.
He was just about to leave when the barman says: "Where do you think you're going?"
The Manc replies: "I'm sorry, I just noticed Bill Shankly there and I think I'd better leave,"
The barman says: "No no no. It's too late for that. You've got to roll the dice Pal,"
The Manc looks puzzled and says: "Roll the dice?"
The Barman replies: "Yeh. If you roll between 1 and 5 we kick the shoite out of you,"
The Manc says: "What if I roll a 6?"
The barman replies: "You get another go."
#8
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

They buy some drinks and discuss full independence for Scotland. The Scottish gentleman raises some interesting points regarding national sovereignty and local policy whilst the Englishman mostly counters with fiscal policy arguments. The Irishman chips in from time to time but really has little interest in the debate.

Then they go home.
#9
holdav
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

They buy some drinks and discuss full independence for Scotland. The Scottish gentleman raises some interesting points regarding national sovereignty and local policy whilst the Englishman mostly counters with fiscal policy arguments. The Irishman chips in from time to time but really has little interest in the debate.

Then they go home.


funny
#10
just so people are aware im a liverpool fan
#11
ViperKeith
just so people are aware im a liverpool fan


Don't blame us :whistling:
#12
ViperKeith
just so people are aware im a liverpool fan


are you from liverpool?
#13
A man is walking through the jungle when he comes across a monkey carrying a tin opener. 'Come on', the man says to the monkey: 'That's a bit much, isn't it? You don't need a tin opener to eat bananas'.

To which the monkey replies: 'Its for the custard"
#14
hassony
are you from liverpool?


i used to be before i moved
#15
holdav
A man is walking through the jungle when he comes across a monkey carrying a tin opener. 'Come on', the man says to the monkey: 'That's a bit much, isn't it? You don't need a tin opener to eat bananas'.

To which the monkey replies: 'Its for the custard"


a talking monkey, that guy must be rich now

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