Child A received 8 out of 12 for composition and effect for the following:
Pip Davenport lived near to a town. He lived on a street called slewsbury. He wrote book with his wife Hettie. He loved writing books it was one of his favarout thing's he did.
If he wasent doing enthing els hed help his uncle Herry at the funfair during the day. And then hed stoody at nigh on other thing he did was invent new rides. Becoues he invented a lot of new rides he won a prize.
He didint live with is mum he lived with his wife.
He always went to wach compertions with his wife Hette. Hettie's mum and dad was like his mum and dad. When ever Hettie's mum and dad went out fur tea or sonming thed always ask if they want to come.
Pip was verry rich he had a lot of monny. He use to teck his wife fur a meal or breckfast or even better to a pub!
Child B received 7 out of 12 for composition and effect for the following:
Have you ever heard of Pip Davenport? Pip Davenport is the reason we enjoy the fairground today. On the 4th of January he was born, living in a small terraced house in Slewsbury.
It just so happened that the Davenport family owned a funfair. He and his uncle Henry went every day since he was a toddler. Pip loved it there: he would rather come to the fair than go out with his friends.
When Pip was four, he and his family went to watch a horse race. He asked his mother afterwards if he could go horse riding, and she agreed. Quickly, it became apparent that Pip was a fantastic rider: a complete natural. But it was his love of horses that led to a tragic accident. An accident that would change his life forever. At the age of 7, he was training for a local competition when his horse, Mandy, swerved sideways unexpectedly throwing Pip on to the ground, paralysed.
Distraught, Pip decided to design a fairground ride involving horses. He named it a carousel. After many years, the ride was finally made. Pip, plucking up the courage, showed it to his Uncle Henry. Impressed, he asked Pip if he could use it in his fairground. Pip said yes, and he was amazed to see that his creative invention was a huge success. Despite being in a wheelchair, he continued his education at night school, spending most of the day at the fair and designing new inventions for the fair.
By the time he was 25, Pip, who had never considered women before, fell in love with a lady called Hettie. Hettie was a kind woman and also had a shared interest in the fairground.