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Advice needed - domestic violence

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I've just spoken to one of my friends. Her partner hit her last night. She has 2 young children, a one year old and a 4 month old. Her partner said if shes changes the locks he will break in. Sh… Read More
Kitten13 Avatar
9y, 9m agoPosted 9 years, 9 months ago
I've just spoken to one of my friends. Her partner hit her last night. She has 2 young children, a one year old and a 4 month old.

Her partner said if shes changes the locks he will break in. She doesn't want to go to the police as she thinks they wont do anything, she has experience as this, as her step father beat her mum up and the police didn't do anything.

I don;t have anywhere to put her up, as I am already in the living room at my parents house.

Don't know what to do, feel like a **** friend at the moment.
Kitten13 Avatar
9y, 9m agoPosted 9 years, 9 months ago
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#1
if the house is in her name, she can change the locks call the police and if he cums back thelly cum stight round and tka him awa
#2
Hardly makes you a **** friend ? it's a very difficult situation to be in for your friend and yourself.

My advice is march her down the police station, better to inform them of what's happening rather than keeping it to herself. If she's been hit and theres marks then surely something can be done.

Otherwise, get a few of your male friends and tell them to knee cap him with a baseball bat. I'm sure that would stop the coward.
#3
domestic violence is taken alot more seriously than it used to.

Get her to report it, if she doesnt she's giving the fella the green light to do it again and again.
#4
Thats awful, its horrible to think of this happening around the world with f'all you can do about it :-(

Best bet is to ring the police, they will do something about domestic violence, if he is violent towards the police he'll also get some time out in custody too, which should give you friend time to get sorted out.
#5
lynothehammer
Otherwise, get a few of your male friends and tell them to knee cap him with a baseball bat. I'm sure that would stop the coward.


Although its like swapping one problem for another (and violence shouldn't be encouraged) this is probably what i'd want to do, if he's beaten up, he'll think twice about laying a finger on her. (plus he'll be in to much pain to throw his fists.)
#6
omg so stupid contact the police! they will do somthing! god it doesnt hurt!
#7
qazim
omg so stupid contact the police! they will do somthing! god it doesnt hurt!


It takes alot of bottle to do it though.

I'm trying to convince her to call the police.
#8
Kitten13
It takes alot of bottle to do it though.

I'm trying to convince her to call the police.


I was just about to say, it'll take a lot of guts to do. Jeez she's been knocked about and threatened aswell. But it's the only thing she can do, otherwise this bully will just carry on doing it.
#9
Kitten13
It takes alot of bottle to do it though.

I'm trying to convince her to call the police.

The police have a completely different approach on the matter of domestic violence now.
They are there to protect her and hopefully she will press charges.
So many women in this situation drop the charges.
Please tell her for the sake of her children and her own well being ring the police
#10
Think of the kids. They don't need to be around this. The police will get social services in.
#11
Kitten13
It takes alot of bottle to do it though.

I'm trying to convince her to call the police.


Why does it? Please explain ? There there to help your, protect you. If she believes shes under threat the Police will help her. Thats what our tax money does :-(
#12
qazim
Why does it? Please explain ? There there to help your, protect you. If she believes shes under threat the Police will help her. Thats what our tax money does :-(


It's reporting thr person that you have loved enough to have 2 children with, to the police.

It's the shock that they could ever do such a thing, and the, maybe it was a one off.

Me and my other half (hawkio) have both let her know that we will support her, but it's down to her to contact the police. If we do it, it could create more problems.
#13
Kitten13
If we do it, it could create more problems.


Don't report him to the police, you've got to leave it to your friend.

it'll probably go the same way as always and her husband will try to convince her it'll never happen again, which is where things start, you just need to be there when she says "enoughs enough" and she see's something needs to be done.

If you report you'll be made out the baddies that've ruined the relationship, you run the risk of being disowned as friends to, the best thing is just to stand by her side and really hope she reports him to the police.
#14
if you look in your local telephone directory there may be advice line telephone numbers for domestic abuse or womens aid. you can also try ringing or taking your friend to your local A&E dept where any injuries/bruising/marks can be documented and used if further action is taken,or at least kept on record. they might also have a domestic abuse link nurse who will offer the family support and advice,
the attitude in the police has changed over the years, and there are safety measures they can put in place.
the police/A&E will refer the children to social services as a matter of child protection, especially if they witness domestic violence.
I hope you friend and her children get the help they need.
#15
Some very good advice her and would agree that she should contact the Police as soon as possible and at least log the incident.

Whether she does this or not she should certainly see a solicitor as soon as possible.
[admin]#16
There's a list of Women's aid places here, if the house isn't hers then she should leave for the sake of her kids.

If she wants to stay in the house, and she wants to report him, she can call citizens' advice who'll refer her to the nearest SAFE advice centre. Restraining orders can be set up immediately with domestic violence cases and she doesn't have to be scared. If she lets him get away with it, he'll do it again, and may even do it to her kids.

If she's going to do something about it, it has to happen now. If not, he'll talk her round and convince her that it won't happen again. She'll always be scared of him if she stays...
#17
thanks for all of the advice.

I'll let her know all of this. I just hope she will find the strength to go to the police.
[admin]#18
Kitten13
thanks for all of the advice.

I'll let her know all of this. I just hope she will find the strength to go to the police.


It'll be tough for her, but tell her not to put up with it. No woman deserves to be scared, and if she stays with him she's potentially putting her children's welfare in jeapordy. Her kids are young so change won't be as unsettling for them if she leaves him now.
#19
Perhaps it's worth her speaking to him, but with a friend present (you and your other half?). I guess that when he's confronted, he'll most likely say it was a 'one off' ... and that it will never happen again.

So, there are two possibilities - one, it was a 'one off', which is more likely if there were 'circumstances' that he feels 'caused' him to hit her. In this sort of case, I guess it's possible for the relationship to continue - although I'd strongly suggest that her hubby gets therapy for his anger. If he's genuinely sorry for the 'one off', he should be more than willing to take as many steps as he can to try to go some way to repair the hurt.

Or ... it'll happen again (and again and again) - in which case I think yes, best to get him out or herself and the kids out asap. As others have pointed out, the damage to her kids will be terrible if she stays and they witness this. The local phone book will have lots of numbers she can phone for local and relevant advice.

As everyone else has said, definitely report it to the police. In serious cases, panic buttons etc can be installed, meaning that she'll feel a lot safer. Things have changed a lot recently - the police will help and be sympathetic to her.

I really hope that things turn out well for her and her children.
Melissa
#20
Hi hunny, please feel free to pm me,i can offer some advice.Not only WAS a victim of Domestic Violence before i joined the force i have training in this area. :) so i can offer practical advice and help
#21
some of you may be aware that im Kittens partner, and i know the friend she is talking about she is a lovely girl who blatantly doesnt deserve something like that.

Doesnt make you a **** friend sweetheart. the guys just an arrogant bully she would be better rid, but you are right its a tough deal to phone the police, the person you love the most who hit you, you've got to shop him etc. not easy

im here x
#22
Blokes a complete ****.!!! No one deserves to be treated like that and it is simply not acceptable. I cannot offer any more advice other than the above and it seems there are others who have responded who are better trained and know what they are on about than me! Seek some help. Looks like pcnutta might be able top give you some pointers.

To the OP - you are not a ****friend!! By even asking the Q here you are trying to see what is best for your mate. Stick by her - she will need it!

Best wishes to all!
banned#23
the bottom line on the domestic abuse policy in our force, is zero tolerance, after many years of not taking things seriously all police forces now have a radically different approach.

So lets say the woman does ring and the police arrive and she does have injuries, the OH , will get arrested ..FACT and I can state first hand that it does happen, we dragged out a bloke yesterday for something similar. so dont ever think the police are not interested.... as thats where your wrong..

My advice.... Make the Call before it gets out of control and someone gets badly hurt or even worse
#24
There is specialist coppers out there that are domestic violence officers, we have a similar problem as such where our neighbour quite often gets it and it kills us to hear it but no good us trying to help if she isnt ready to accept it herself.
If she calls the police i think social services are informed but they are ok, not all that bad, and if they get wind he is still there or someone tells them what he is doing they will do a visit and she could be at risk of losing her kids or them being put on a at risk register if he is still living there.

I hope it all goes ok and all the best of luck to her x
banned#25
amcol
There is specialist coppers out there that are domestic violence officers, we have a similar problem as such where our neighbour quite often gets it and it kills us to hear it but no good us trying to help if she isnt ready to accept it herself.
If she calls the police i think social services are informed but they are ok, not all that bad, and if they get wind he is still there or someone tells them what he is doing they will do a visit and she could be at risk of losing her kids or them being put on a at risk register if he is still living there.

I hope it all goes ok and all the best of luck to her x


if you suspect your neighbour is getting a beating ..ring the old bill we have the power to go in and check on the welfare of folk :-D and you can remain Mr or Mrs concerned without giving your details :thumbsup:
banned#26
Check out this website for help http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Get the police involved and get him arrested and charged, he needs to learn it is not sociably acceptable to act in this way. Recent domestic voilence cases has seen the offender imprisoned for 2-3 years.
#27
It may be labelled domestic violence however it is ASSULT whether its by your partner or by person in the street. Police look at it same way. Theres no excuses for the old cliche " domestic abuse lets not get involved" times have changed and so has the approach.
There is LOADS of help out there now, not like it was 30 yrs ago.
#28
pcnutta
Hi hunny, please feel free to pm me,i can offer some advice.......i have training in this area. :) so i can offer practical advice and help


Send her a PM nutta, you know someone has to make the first move and YOU should know what to do from the outset :thumbsup:

If this is the first time, he needs the frighteners put on him not to even think about it again, any time, ever, in a million years.
#29
shellscreativeca
if the house is in her name, she can change the locks call the police and if he cums back thelly cum stight round and tka him awa

Please stop spelling "come" as "cum" as one can easily take your post out of context.
#30
thankyou all for the advice. Going to try and convince her to call the police again.
#31
ummmmmm this comes fromexperience also

if she calls the cops then she will be braking her andhim up and opeing a world of craap on her sholders , years of hasstle and unhappiness will follow as it will clearly go down the court/access route , either way she should have someone whom she loves and calls her best friend hurt her , friends dont do this ,,,,,,

a course of action i would advise is to get yourself and her together and confront him with this , explain that your a whitness ( you are now and log the date and time ) and if this is to happen again in any way shape or form then the cops will be called and she will seek to remove a violent person from her and the kids lives , TELL him he has a choice , go to anger management and relate ( marrage guidence of some sort anyway ) as a stipulation of her not calling the cops straight away , hopefull it will all turn out good and i sincerly hope that she makes good herself with or without him , if it helps generally people lash out because there fustrated or cant see the wrong in it , either way be a good friend to her and offer a shoulder and guidence and push her in the right direction
#32
Goodluck kitten, definately doing the right thing and being a top mate... :)
#33
izzzzythedog
ummmmmm this comes fromexperience also

if she calls the cops then she will be braking her andhim up and opeing a world of craap on her sholders , years of hasstle and unhappiness will follow as it will clearly go down the court/access route , either way she should have someone whom she loves and calls her best friend hurt her , friends dont do this ,,,,,,

a course of action i would advise is to get yourself and her together and confront him with this , explain that your a whitness ( you are now and log the date and time ) and if this is to happen again in any way shape or form then the cops will be called and she will seek to remove a violent person from her and the kids lives , TELL him he has a choice , go to anger management and relate ( marrage guidence of some sort anyway ) as a stipulation of her not calling the cops straight away , hopefull it will all turn out good and i sincerly hope that she makes good herself with or without him , if it helps generally people lash out because there fustrated or cant see the wrong in it , either way be a good friend to her and offer a shoulder and guidence and push her in the right direction


Where i see where your coming from i have to say that by experience most violent men when confronted this way would result in more trouble.Believe me. A friend would be there for her regardless her decision.Make available ALL the options so she knows she does NOT have to go through that. Yes he may need anger management and maybe a condition she puts to him. He would be removed from the property by police ( unless she willingly chooses to go) and there can be conditions out in place where he has an injunction where he can not go near the house.
There is ways around this which ever route she takes i hope she makes the right choice for her and more so the kids.
xx
#34
dog_cop
the bottom line on the domestic abuse policy in our force, is zero tolerance, after many years of not taking things seriously all police forces now have a radically different approach.

So lets say the woman does ring and the police arrive and she does have injuries, the OH , will get arrested ..FACT and I can state first hand that it does happen, we dragged out a bloke yesterday for something similar. so dont ever think the police are not interested.... as thats where your wrong..

My advice.... Make the Call before it gets out of control and someone gets badly hurt or even worse


well said ...although i must say that my police arent realy overly concerned with it...
ive spent 4+ years in n out of womans refuges and safe houses out o fthe last 18 years since my eldest lad was born..what starts as a 'slap' dnt end there..trust me...tell her to ring the domestic violence number that is available in yellow pages n to walk n never look bk...it dnt get better and she may end up like i did with my then partner getting a 7 year sentence and me having panic attacks...the damage it does to kids is unbelievable even at a young age...
#35
The Police do take Domestic Violence VERY seriously and it is policy to prosecute, this is because of previous high profile instances where they have done little/nothing and people have been seriously injuried/killed at a later date.

She needs to be sure she wants to go ahead with it first though, as once the Police are informed and she makes a statement they are likely to charge him irrelevant of what he says in interview. Therefore if he denies the allegations a trial will have to take place a few months down the line and she will have to give evidence...BUT theres no way he should get away with it!
#36
barnzla
The Police do take Domestic Violence VERY seriously and it is policy to prosecute, this is because of previous high profile instances where they have done little/nothing and people have been seriously injuried/killed at a later date.

She needs to be sure she wants to go ahead with it first though, as once the Police are informed and she makes a statement they are likely to charge him irrelevant of what he says in interview. Therefore if he denies the allegations a trial will have to take place a few months down the line and she will have to give evidence...BUT theres no way he should get away with it!

evidence that she wont have to give infront of the person in court tho...i did mine years ago thru a video link so im sure they have that still now if not a more updated 1
#37
I've read some of the replies to this question and there is is some good advice out there. The only thing I can add is that domestic violence services have come a long way in the last 35 years. It is no longer regarded as normal or right for women to be beaten, abused or threatened by their partners and there is widespread evidence of the negative impact domestic violence has on the balanced development of children.
I suggest that the women calls any of the Women's Aid Helplines or a local Women's Refuge for advice. In my area The Haven has a 24 hours referral line staffed with people not an answerphone - so there's always someone to talk to. The number is 01902 713001.
Talk to an experienced worker in the filed of DV and they will help the woman to look at her options.
Most refuges have contacts with local IDVA's (Independent Domestic Violence Advocates) who will guide the women through the legal process and make sure shie is kept informed at all times of the situation with bail or any restriction placed upon the accused. The IDVA will undertake a thorough risk assessment which may lead to the case being flagged up at MARAC (multi agency risk assessment conference). This is where a range of agencies are pulled in to ensure the safety of the family.
Additional safety measures can be taken in her home so that she does not have to leave - ask the local police or council about Sanctuary Schemes - all areas have to have these now.
The police do take DV more seriously now - they have to. Local authorities have targets to meet in the reduction of repeat DV cases and increases in first time reporting.
Sorry to have gone on so long - but this is very important. Remember that women will usually be attacked 35 times before reporting to the police.
Good luck

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