Alnbowes Joke thread - HotUKDeals
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Alnbowes Joke thread

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banned8y, 4m agoPosted 8 years, 4 months ago

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#1
Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!



Whooo hooo , my very first thread (by proxy) lol even got me name on an evrythin.......
Think the jokes very fitting for on here sometimes ( swear words remove - dont want a ban after my very first thread )
#2
Jokes welcome here ...need a lift up
#3
Bullsh~t and Brilliance


A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes o ver him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of r unning, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the ol d poodle says.

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! ******** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

:w00t:
#4
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone.. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.


Give more.

Expect less



NOW ............


Enough of that **** . . . The donkey later came back,

and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and

the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.



MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
:w00t:
#5
Rectum Stretcher
While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:
'Runway too short?'
To which I replied, 'I'm late for work.'
To which he asked, 'What do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. 'A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' I said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet.'

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, 'And just what do you do with a six-foot ********?'
To which I politely replied, 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'



Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.
#6
Wife in front of the mirrow -

"I'm ugly, my boobs sag and my @rse is fat, give me a compliment?"

Husband says -

"Your eyesight is spot on"
#7
Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to
the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as
it reads.
No one I know has got it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she
did Not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to
be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right
there, but never asked for his
number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her
sister.


Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer]















Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a
test by famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the
same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part
in the test and answered the question correctly.


If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you
off my email list.
#8
Subject: Fw: Brains In the hospital the relatives gathered
in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely
ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your
loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an
experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay
for the brain yourselves..' The family members sat silent
as they! absorbed the news. After a great length of time,
someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?' The
doctor quickly responded, '£5,000 for a male brain, and £200
for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Men in the
room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women
, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his
curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain so much more?' The doctor smiled at
the childish innoce nce and explained to the entire group,
'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down
the price of the female brains , because they've actually
been used.'

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