Two English businessmen are setting up a shop in London. They haven't got any stock in, just a couple of shelves. One says to the other "I bet you that any minute some twit will come in and ask what we're selling". Sure enough along comes a Scotsman who asks in a broad Scottish accent "What you selling in there laddie"? To which one of the Englishmen replies "arse holes".
The Scotsman replies "Och, your doing well then, only 2 left"!!!!
In the Inverness Job Centre a man sees a vacancy for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. He ask for details and is thrilled to learn that his duties are to prepare the ladies as follows :-
1. Remove their underwear.
2. Wash and shave the ladies' nether regions.
3. Rub oil on the shaved areas.
Salary is £10,000 a month. He is told to go to Plymouth.
"Oh, why. Is that where the job is"? he asks.
The answer comes back "No, that's where the back of the flamin' queue is"!!!!!
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.!
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confuse d the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today,nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were **** or drown.'
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants".
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman
as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
A man walks into a Glasgow library and says
to the librarian, "Excuse me Miss, do ye huv
any books on suicide?"
The librarian looks up and says,
"**** off! Ye'll no bring it back!"