Breaking news, as reported by an Anfield insider:
"Rafa made the announcement as he stood in front of his players at Melwood. Dirk Kuyt was working hard, scrubbing mud off the floor. Gerrard wasnt that interested and sat playing tetris on his mobile. Torres was arguing with several players and 3 cleaners. Benitez then spoke, "I will be here next season whether we finish 4th or 8th, so there is no pressure on me. If you dont want to be here next season when we battle for the Europa League and 4th position again then leave now". In the resulting stampede towards the door, every player except Reina, Carragher and Lucas ended up in a heap. Torres was at the bottom of the pile, supporting all of his team-mates.
Carragher and Reina had made it to the door and locked it so no-one could leave. Lucas did absolutely nothing. As the players stood up and dusted themselves down, Mascherano needlessly kicked Ngog. Ngog flew 5 foot into the air as though he had been shot. Gerrard just glared at them and walked away, Torres then started arguing with them.
Benitez then spoke again. "Good, you all want to be here. I have some exciting news about a cash investment and summer signings. Tom Hicks has sold his 24 bedroomed castle in the US and bought a 23 bedroomed one instead. The profit on the exchange was $20,000 dollars and Tom has invested this into the club for transfers. This will allow me to buy the left-back and striker that we so desperately need. Fernando, you will partnering Kenny Duchar next season. He is a doctor too so we can sack our club doctor and actually make a profit wages wise.
For left-back we have signed Michael Ball, an experienced, local player who will give us possibilities, options and qwality". Torres got straight on the phone to David Villa and said he cant wait to play with him. At the world cup. He then said he will be facing him in the red and blue of Barcelona next season. Carragher then said Tony Hibbert would sign but this was a joke and a few of the players cried".