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Blackadder Quotes. Fans Will Laugh, Newcomers Might.

hypnoticstate Avatar
8y, 8m agoPosted 8 years, 8 months ago
[Scene: inside the Moustache Shoppe. Baldrick is dusting off a mustache which is on a stand.]

Blackadder:
[from outside the main door] Humbug! Humbug!

[enters, holding a bag of sweets and holds out the bag, in offering] Humbug, Mr Baldrick?

Baldrick:
Oh, thank you very much. [takes one]

Blackadder:
Well, I've got all the presents...

Baldrick:
...and I've nearly finished the Christmas cards.

Blackadder:
[taking off his tall hat] Oh, splendid! Let me see... [opens up a card he has picked up from the desk] "A Very Messy Christmas." I'm sorry, Mr Baldrick -- shouldn't that be `merry'?

Baldrick:
"A Merry Messy Christmas"? All right, but the main thing is that it should be messy -- messy cake; soggy pudding; great big wet kisses under the mistletoe...

Blackadder:
Yes... [going to hang up his coat and scarf] I fear, Mr Baldrick, that the only way you're likely to get a big wet kiss at Christmas -- or, indeed, any other time -- is to make a pass at a water closet. However, be that as it may... [Baldrick gives him the card again] "A Merry Messy Christmas." `Christmas' has an H in it, Mr Baldrick.

Baldrick:
Oh...

Blackadder:
...and an R. Also an I, and an S. Also T and M and A... ...and another S. Oh, and you've missed out the C at the beginning. Congratulations, Mr Baldrick! Something of a triumph, I think -- you must be the first person ever to spell `Christmas' without getting any of the letters right at all.

[He takes the bag of presents he brought from outside into the back room.]

Blackadder:
[following Ebenezer] Well, I was a bit rushed. I've been helping out with the workhouse nativity play.

Blackadder:
Oh, of course! How did it go?

Baldrick:
Well, not very well -- at the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died!

Blackadder:
Oh, dear! This high infant-mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre. What did you do?

Baldrick:
Got another Jesus.

Blackadder:
Oh, thank goodness. ...and his name?

Baldrick:
`Spot'. There weren't any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead.

Blackadder:
Oh, dear... [moving toward and eventually sitting on a chair near the fireplace] I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind if all Jesus had ever said.......was "WOOF."

Baldrick:
[as Ebenezer removes his shoes] Well, it went all right until the shepherds came on. See, we hadn't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool--

Blackadder:
...on some other dogs.

Baldrick:
Yeah... and the moment Jesus got a whiff of them, he's away! While the angel's singing "Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Mankind," Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggyback ride!

Blackadder:
Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the son of God, Mr Baldrick. Weren't the children upset?

Baldrick:
Nah, they loved it. They want us to do another one at Easter -- they want to see us nail up the dog.



--------------------------------

Baldrick : Don't worry mister B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.
Blackadder : Yes Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head.



--------------------------------



Blackadder : Have you ever been to Wales Baldrick?
Baldrick : No, but I've often thought I'd like to.
Blackadder : Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.



--------------------------------


Wellington : Come sir. Choose your stoker.
Blackadder : What's this? Are we going to tickle each other to death?
Wellington : No sir. We fight with cannon.
Blackadder : But I thought we were fighting with swords.
Wellington : Swords! What do you think this is, the middle ages? Only girls fight with swords these days. Stand by your gun sir. Hup two three. Hup two three.
Blackadder : Wait a minute.
Wellington : Stand by cannon for loading procedure. Stoke. Muzzle. Wrench. Crank the storm barrel. Pull tee bar.
Blackadder : "Congratulations on choosing the Armstrong Whitworth four pounder cannonnette. Please read the instructions carefully and it should give years of trouble free maiming."
Wellington : Check elevation. Chart trajectory. Prime fuse. Aim...
Blackadder : Look, wait a minute.
Wellington : FIRE!


--------------------------------

BA=Blackadder

BA:"Baldrick, your brain is like the four headed, man-eating haddock fish beast of Aberdeen"
Baldrick: "in what way"?
BA: "it doesnt exist".

--------------------------------

BA: "They do say, Mrs Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain.......... They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover...when I stick this toasting fork in your head."

--------------------------------

BA:"Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
Baldrick: "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other."

--------------------------------

Nursie: "Oh, that's another good idea. You're so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off."
Queenie:"Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls off?"
Nursie: "It certainly does. My brother; he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off..."

--------------------------------

BA: "You're going to have to steal his copy of the dictionary".
Baldrick: "But then I'll go to Hell forever for stealing".
BA: "Baldrick, believe me: eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me -- and THIS pencil -- if we can't replace this Dictionary".

--------------------------------

George "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?"
BA: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

--------------------------------

Blackadder trying to annoy Dr. Johnson, the author of the dictionary.

BA: "in that case sir, i hope you will not object if i also offer the doctor my most enthusiastic contrafibularities"
DR.JOHNSON: "what, sir?"
BA: "contrifibularities sir? 'tis a common word, down our way"
DR. JOHNSON: "damn"
BA: "oh i'm sorry sir, i am anaspeptic, phrasmotic, even compunctuous to have caused you such periconbobulations".
DR: "What, what, WHAAAT?"
King George: "er, Blackadder, go fetch the tea, will you."
BA: "Certainly sir, i shall return.......interfrastically"

2 minutes later, when re-entering the room with the tea.

BA: "Leaving already Doctor? not staying for your pendigestatory interludicule?"
DR JOHNSON: "No sir, show me out!"
BA: "Certainly sir, anything i can do to facilitate you velocitous extrumurisation."

--------------------------------

Baldrick: "But my lord, i've been in your family for generations."
BA: "So has sifilis, now get out."
hypnoticstate Avatar
8y, 8m agoPosted 8 years, 8 months ago
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(15) Jump to unreadPost a comment
Comments/page:
#1
LOL, just love Blackadder
#2
This high infant-mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre.

Blackadder : Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.

Excellent morning humour ration.
Thanks
My favourite bits ^^^^^
#3
He he he, classic! :giggle:
#4
Ah brilliant! Thanks for the reminders, some classics here. I remember most of them well!
#5
Truly a classic - used to watch these with my dear old Dad when I were li'l
1 Like #6
If anyone can remember any other funny quotes from the series, please add.
1 Like #7
Excellent!

I used to watch these over & over again years ago.
I think I might have to dig them out and
find my old VHS player:oops:

Blackadder III:

Blackadder: I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baldrick: Morning, Mr. B.
Blackadder: Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]
Baldrick: I'm glad to say you won't be needing that pill, Mr. B.
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick: They certainly are.
Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick: We do nothing...
Blackadder: Yup, it's another world-beater.
Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing... until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder: And then we... spring into action?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Miggins: Bonjour, Monsiuer
Blackadder: Excuse me.
Mrs. Miggins: It's French.
Blackadder: So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating on the streets.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blackadder: [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blackadder: Sir, may I be allowed a short violent outburst?
Prince George: Why yes of course.
Blackadder: DAMN.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baldrick: Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.
Blackadder: The phrase, Baldrick, is "a case of sour grapes" - and yes it bloody well is.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He's so exciting, don't you think?
Blackadder: Actually, I think he's the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blackadder: We hate the French! We fight wars against the French! Did all those men die in vain on the fields of Agincourt? Was the man who burned Joan of Arc just wasting good matches?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince George: What can I do to a woman that I can't do to you?
Blackadder: I cannot conceive, sir.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blackadder: Stick the kettle on, Baldrick
Baldrick: What? Aren't we going to France?
Blackadder: Of course we're not going to France! It's incredibly dangerous!
Baldrick: Well, how you gonna win your bet?
Blackadder: Simple, Baldrick. By the use of the large thing between my ears.
Baldrick: Ohhh. Your nose.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blackadder: [after Baldrick finds out about the "plot" to kill Prince George, Blackadder leaves him, telling him he might not cope more than five minutes without him, and places a bet] Four minutes, twenty three seconds, Baldrick. You owe me a groat!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baldrick: [Blackadder slams the door] Something wrong, Mr. B?
Blackadder: Oh, something's *always* wrong, Balders... the fact that I'm not a millionaire aristocrat, with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino, is a constant niggle.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blackadder: I will suffice to say, 'sod off and if we ever meet again it will be one billion years too soon'
[Leaves]
Baldrick: Goodbye you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced *******!
[Blackadder comes back into the room looking murderous]
Blackadder: I fear you will soon be eating those badly chosen words, Baldrick. I wouldn't bet one groat that you could last five minutes here without me!
Baldrick: Oh, come on, Mr B. It's not as though we're gonna get murdered or anything the moment you leave.
Blackadder: Hope springs eternal, Baldrick.
#8
Blackadder goes forth:
Lieutenant George: But this is brave, splendid and noble...
[Blackadder doesn't react - there's a long pause]
Lieutenant George: ...Sir
Captain Blackadder: Yes, Lieutenant.
Lieutenant George: I'm scared, sir
Private Baldrick: I'm scared too, sir
Lieutenant George: I'm the last of the tiddly-winking leapfroggers from the golden summer of 1914. I don't want to die... I'm really not over keen on dying at all, sir.
Captain Blackadder: How are you feeling, Darling?
Captain Darling: Ahm- not all that good, Blackadder. Rather hoped I'd get through the whole show, go back to work at Pratt and Sons, keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen, marry Doris. Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says: "******".
Captain Blackadder: Well, quite.
[Outside: "Stand to, stand to, fix bayonets"]
Captain Blackadder: Come on, come on, let's move.
[at the door, Blackadder turns to George]
Captain Blackadder: Don't forget your stick Lieutenant
Lieutenant George: Rather, sir. Wouldn't want to face a machine gun without this.
[they walk into the misty trench, waiting for the off - suddenly there is silence - the machine guns stop]
Captain Darling: I say, listen - our guns have stopped.
Lieutenant George: You don't think...
Private Baldrick: Perhaps the war's over. Perhaps it's peace.
Captain Darling: Thank God. We lived through it. The Great War, 1914 to 1917.
Captain Darling, Private Baldrick, Lieutenant George: Hip hip hooray!
Captain Blackadder: I'm afraid not. The guns have stopped because we are about to attack. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell their own men. They feel it's more sporting to let the Germans do it.
Lieutenant George: So, we are, in fact, going over. This is, as they say, it?
Captain Blackadder: Yes, unless I can think of something very quickly.
[a voice shouts 'Company, one pace forward.' They all step forward]
Private Baldrick: There's a nasty splinter on that ladder, sir. A bloke could hurt himself on that.
[another call: "Stand ready" - they put their hands on the ladders ready to climb]
Private Baldrick: I have a plan, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Really Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?
Private Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Captain Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?
Private Baldrick: Yes, sir.
[another call: "On the signal, Company will advance"]
Captain Blackadder: Well, I'm afraid it's too late. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of here by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?
[a whistle blows he looks at Baldrick]
Captain Blackadder: Good luck, everyone.
[Blackadder blows his whistle, there is a roar of voices as everyone leaps up the ladders, meeting the machine gun fire]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[repeated line]
Private Baldrick: I have a cunning plan.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lieutenant George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-building.
Captain Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame on the imperialistic front.
Lieutenant George: Oh, no, sir, absolutely not.
[Aside, to Baldrick]
Lieutenant George: Mad as a bicycle!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain Blackadder: [describing the latest offensive] Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches close to Berlin.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain Blackadder: [during a German air raid] Where's our air force? They're meant to defend us against this sort of thing. Right, that's it!
[picks up telephone]
Captain Blackadder: Hello? Yes, yes, I'd like to leave a message for the head of the Flying Corps, please. That's Air Chief Marshall Sir Hugh Massingbird-Massingbird, VC, DFC and Bar. Message reads "Where are you you *******".
#9
Did anyone else get a bit :( at the very end where they all
went over the top?

Great scenes and a superb ending to one of the finest comedies
ever.

No matter how many times I see it, it always gets me:oops:
#10
danbet35
Did anyone else get a bit :( at the very end where they all
went over the top?

Great scenes and a superb ending to one of the finest comedies
ever.

No matter how many times I see it, it always gets me:oops:


All Brilliant and yes, superb acting to a truly fittingly emotional end.
Thanks for the posts.
#11
looking through my old posts and thought i'd revive this one. This comedy never gets old.
#12
Lmao I love blackadder so much my fave quote has to be this one though

Nursie: "Oh, that's another good idea. You're so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off."
Queenie:"Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls off?"
Nursie: "It certainly does. My brother; he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off..."
#13
Darling!?
Yes sir?

gets me every time :P
#14
Blackadder is awesome
#15
Bump

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