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Anyone know of any one line jokes.....? Just heard one that made me chuckle... Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Post them if you have! Read More
King of Thieves Avatar
9y, 1w agoPosted 9 years, 1 week ago
Anyone know of any one line jokes.....?

Just heard one that made me chuckle...
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Post them if you have!
King of Thieves Avatar
9y, 1w agoPosted 9 years, 1 week ago
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Comments/page:
#1
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.


Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die


All generalizations are false, including this one
1 Like #2
Not really one line but.

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything"
#3
snowtiger
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.


Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die


All generalizations are false, including this one


Last one was the only one that made me laugh lol. :-D
#4
Ungreat
Not really one line but.

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything"


Yea i've head that one before, took me a while to get the first time.
There's a part 2....

'The monk gives the hot dog vendor £20, the hot dog vendor gives the monk the hot dog and then starts to serve the next customer.... 'What about my change' asks the monk.
The hot dog vendor looks at the monk, and says 'Change must come from within'
1 Like #5
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"



Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
#6
LOL.... Now thats a good'un :-D
#7
A man runs over a women, whos fault is it?

The mans, what the F*** he doing in the kitchen.
#8
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills off all of its students.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.
1 Like #9
I wouldn't want to be a member of any club that wanted me as a member (attributed to Groucho Marx)

You have the brain of a small boy, and he wants it back (GM again)
#10
I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.


A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac. 'The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' ..... 'Bring me a colour TV'.


KING OF COMEDY - TOMMY COOPER

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
1 Like #11
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception
#12
Since we're now doing long ones....

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My future sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day, this little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. At first things were okay, but then she came and sat next to me. She start to stroke my leg and whispered to me that soon I was to be married but she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".

The moral of this story is:



Keep your condoms in your car!!
#13
What's brown and sticky - a stick


What's brown and runny - Linford Christie
1 Like #14
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.


Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.


I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
1 Like #15
Mysterious hole appears on motorway - police are looking into it

A lorry transporting wigs has been involved in a crash on the M6, police are combing the area
#16
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.


A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


Phone answering machine message - "...if you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key."
#17
What is E T short for????
Cos he's got ickle legs..

Short joke..
Two elephants fall over a cliff............. boom boom.

Even shorter one..
A seal walks into a club..

Tommy Cooper specials..

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."
1 Like #18
Haha, thanks needed that... Rep given all around until i've ran out. Still don't get the ET one though :-S
#19
King of Thieves;2139592
Haha, thanks needed that... Rep given all around until i've ran out. Still don't get the ET one though :-S

ET short as in not tall ... he has little legs ? :roll:
#20
What's Big Red and Eats rocks??

A Big Red Rock Eater!!!! of course!
#21
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

(Steven Wright)
#22
horse walked into a bar and the barman said, why the long face?
#23
whats brown and sticky? a stick
#24
a bear walks into a pub and asks for a beer please. barman says, why the big paws?
1 Like #25
I thought the frisbee was getting bigger & bigger, and then it hit me.
#26
cis_groupie;2139881
I thought the frisbee was getting bigger & bigger, and then it hit me.

lol :giggle:
#27
Lol, some good ones are coming out now.
Btw, i just came back from lunch and was about to give out more rep but it says i've ran out. I thought we had a 10 limit per day, i've only given 4 or 5?.... :thinking:
#28
its 10 rep per 24hours
#29
Still haven't given out 10 in the last 24 hours. Not unless i can't count.... Yea, i think i can't count :oops:
#30
10 per 24 hours

edit: too slow
#31
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
1 Like #32
Did you hear about the short sighted circumciser? He got the sack...
#33
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
1 Like #34
A bloke was admiring his naked body in the mirror and says to his wife "look at that,12 stone of pure dynamite" his wife replies " shame about the 2 inch fuse"
#35
you can take this as a joke but its also real,l my father passed away 4 years ago and i got a email today from HMV saying - Don't forget your dad....fathers day's gifts from £3.99
#36
"My Grandfather died peacefully in his sleep, but his passengers died screaming."

Bob Monkhouse

Meat is murder......tasty tasty murder.

T shirt I own. :-D

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