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Christmas Cracker Jokes

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. Christmas Cracker Jokes Come on after all it's Tuesday ..... so you can be silly! Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon? Yes. He stood in front of the fire and melted! Doctor… Read More
snowtiger Avatar
8y, 5m agoPosted 8 years, 5 months ago
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Christmas Cracker Jokes

Come on after all it's Tuesday ..... so you can be silly!

Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon?
Yes. He stood in front of the fire and melted!


Doctor, Doctor! Everyone thinks I'm a liar!
Doctor: I don't believe you!


Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not?
Because it wasn't raining!


How can you get your name in lights the world over?
Change your name to Emergency Exit!


How do monkeys make toast?
Stick some bread under the gorilla!
snowtiger Avatar
8y, 5m agoPosted 8 years, 5 months ago
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#1
How do you start a polar-bear race?
Say 'Ready! Teddy! Go!'

How does Father Christmas climb up a chimney?
He uses a ladder in the stocking!

I say, I say, I say! My wife's gone to the West Indies!
Jamaica?
No. She was quite happy to go!

If I'm standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the East is on my left hand, what's on my right hand?
Fingers!
#2
I'm letting my pet pig sleep on my bed!
What about the smell?
He'll just have to get used to it!

Waiter! Water! My Christmas pudding is off!
Waiter: Off? Where to?

What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo?
They combed the area!

What do you do if your dog has ticks?
Don't wind him up!

What do you get hanging from Father Christmas' roof?
Tired arms!

What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
Billy the squid!

What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire?
A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps!

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck!

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an octopus, a sheep and a zebra?
A striped, woolly jumper with eight sleeves!

What do you get if you cross a whale with a bird that quacks?
Moby Duck!
#3
starsparkle2311;3634235
still say mine's the best, what do you call 2robbers? A pair of 'nickers, lol:thumbsup:

lol .. love it!!!
Happy 2nd December Star ;-)
#4
What drink do frogs like best?
Croaker-cola!

What flower can you eat?
A cauli-flower!

What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist?
'Some day my prints will come!'

What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your television?
Time to get a new television!

What would you do if a rhino charged you?
Pay him!

What's the best way to catch a rabbit?
Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot!

Where are the Andes?
On the end of the armies!

Which animal should you not play cards with?
A cheetah!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws.

Who wrote the book, The Awful Comedown?
Lucy Lastick!
#5
Just to remind you not to waste your money on Christmas crackers this year :thumbsup:

Save money the snowtiger way ;-)
#6
Why can't a bike stand up by itself?
Because it's two-tyred!

Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck!

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl!

Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?
Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.

Why was the Turkey in the pop group?
Because he was the only one with drum-sticks!

What did one angel say to the other?
Halo there!

What's purple and shouts "Help"?
A damson in distress.

How do you spell hungry horse with four letters?
M.T.G.G.

Why is Europe like a frying pan?
Because it has Greece at the bottom.

What question can you never answer YES to?
Are you asleep?
#7
[CENTER][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=5]T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas[/SIZE][/FONT][/CENTER]
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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=4]'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.[/SIZE][/FONT][/CENTER]
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The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).



When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!



I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.



When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;



"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"



The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).



He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!



With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.



He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!



He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.



The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!



He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

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#8
iaffuoshpalocattmgoafogofo

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