As a result of the Credit Crunch, we are being forced to cut down on our number of personnel we employ. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next financial year, via retirement, will be take effect immediately after the current Streamlining programme.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the Department.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal to senior management.
This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or C.L.A.P. (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED, SCREWED or SHAFTED by the Company.
The Company wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the Company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other employer. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate line manager. Your line manager is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can take.
We would like to take this opportunity to thanks you for all your years of loyal service with us.