Competition- Person who tells the funniest joke wins! - HotUKDeals
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Competition- Person who tells the funniest joke wins!

jaguark Avatar
9y, 2m agoPosted 9 years, 2 months ago
EDIT: Some wise guy has hacked my rapidshare account...i will contact rapidshare and try to fix it...as soon as its fixed the winner will get the prize

Ducky adds: Please note that jokes should be kept clean and tasteful in line with the forum rules. This is a family forum. Please report any jokes that you do not think comply using the http://www.hotukdeals.com/forums/images/custom_buttons/report.gif button.
jaguark Avatar
9y, 2m agoPosted 9 years, 2 months ago
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#1
Well I might as well end it here with the unbeatable classic:

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

Since i have already won with the best joke ever, i would like to donate my rapidshare account to the poor... ;-)
#2
the funniest joke i know was on here when another poster wanted a joke thread
there were so many rules that there wasn't anything left to joke about
#3
why dont oysters give to charity

becuase theyre shellfish:thumbsup:
banned#4
jasonrat
the funniest joke i know was on here when another poster wanted a joke thread
there were so many rules that there wasn't anything left to joke about


Not my joke, but if you want to see that thread it's here.
#5
With the sad passing on of Luciano Pavarotti, the Three Tenors will now be known as Twenty Quid
#6
Woman gets on a bus with her baby. Bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” Man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
#7
[SIZE="5"][SIZE="2"][SIZE="4"]A guy I know decided that he wasn't making enough money as a cattle farmer; so he searched the web and discovered that there is serious money to be made in breeding exotic animals. So, he visits a nearby zoo and bribes some guy to let him have a couple of Zebras.

When he gets back to his farm, he releases the Zebras into a field for grazing. Soon afterwards, one of the Zebras decides to take a look around and heads off to explore.

The Zebra goes up to a sheep in the adjacent field and asks "what kind of animal are you and what do you do"? The sheep replied "well, I'm a sheep and I get a haircut once a year". The Zebra then goes up to a cow in another field and asks "what kind of animal are you and what do you do"? Well", replied the cow, "I'm a cow and I get my udders milked every morning". The Zebra then goes into another field and goes up to a Stallion and says "what kind of animal are you and what do you do"?. "Well", said the Stallion, "I'm a stallion and eh, take your 'jammies off and I'll show you"![/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE]
#8
[COLOR="RoyalBlue"]Two tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanfygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole, they stopped for lunch and one of them asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde waitress leaned over and enunciated beautifully: "Burrr-gurrr Kinngg
[/COLOR]
#9
Knock Knock...
Who's there?
Bare
Bare Who?
Bare Bum

Not so good at jokes so this one came home from school with my 5 year old
#10
[FONT=verdana, arial][SIZE=2] A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"[/SIZE][/FONT]
#11
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in. :whistling:
#12
Q) What do you get when you put happy chap in a room full of mushrooms?


A) Fun-Guy (Fungi)
#13
Hear about the man with two left feet? He went into a shoe shop and asked for a pair of flip flips
#14
what do you call a zoo with no animals?

A shih-tzu :giggle:
#15
[SIZE=2]This ones from my hubby...[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]A donkey and a chicken are out in a field when the donkey falls down hole. The chicken runs over to the farmers BMW ties a rope to the front and pulls the donkey out.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Next week the chicken falls down the hole. He tells the donkey to go and get the BMW but instead the donkey walks over to the hole, drops his love stick in and the chicken climbs out.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Moral of the story[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]When your hung like a donkey you dont need a BMW to pull a chick :giggle: [/SIZE]
#16
Sandwich walks into a bar, barman say's " sorry we dont serve sandwiches here "
#17
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***in number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a**hole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "a**hole calling"
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said,

"That's because you're an a**hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd., in VanNuys. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a**hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called A**hole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a**hole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"*******, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd., VanNuys, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******," and hung up.

Then I called A**hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a**hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, VanNuys, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd., VanNuys.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray.

I got there just in time to watch two a**holes beating the c**p out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works.. :w00t:
1 Like #18
Due to the sad passing of Pavarotti, Dale Winton has stepped in to take his place in the three tenors they will now be known as "Two tenors & a nine bob note":whistling:
#19
A church advertises for a bell ringer.A small armless man applies for the job. But how, the priest inquires, can you ring the bell without any arms? The man replies by ringing the bell with his head. The tone he elicits is very clear and sweet, and soon a crowd gathers in the courtyard below, so beautiful is the sound. And just then the man, running at the bell, trips and falls over the parapet to his death. The priest runs down to his body and is asked if he knows who the man is. I don't know his name, he replies, but his face rings a bell.
The next day the armless man's brother shows up and tells the priest he would like to apply for the job. He rings the bell in the traditional way, but trips toward the end of his audition and goes to his death in the same manner as his brother. Once again the priest runs to his side and is asked if he knows who the dead man is. I don't know his name, the priest says, but he is a dead ringer for his brother.
#20
rosenauk
Knock Knock...
Who's there?
Bare
Bare Who?
Bare Bum

Not so good at jokes so this one came home from school with my 5 year old


And here's one from my 4 year old:

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Banana!! :-D
#21
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
#22
I have the greatest sympthy with the Italians today, after the loss of Pavarotti, I would just like them to know that I also know how it feels to lose a tenor :whistling:
#23
There are still a few seats left at the funeral of Pavarotti, if you want to attend. I believe you might get them from ticketmaster, cost to you - a tenor :giggle:
#24
St Peter walks up to the Pearly gates and knocks.

God asks what he wants.

St Peter replies "Here's that tenor I owe you!"
#25
Pavarottis car is now up for sale, its described as a huge vehicle, half car and half bungalow.

Yes its a Nissan dormer......
#26
Mrs Pavarotti can't believe how inflation is hitting people. She got up this morning and before she'd even left the house she'd already lost a tenor.
#27
Crazy1
Mrs Pavarotti can't believe how inflation is hitting people. She got up this morning and before she'd even left the house she'd already lost a tenor.


That is....truly terrible Crazy! :whistling:
#28
suze
That is....truly terrible Crazy! :whistling:


Are you keeping out of that other thread? :giggle:
#29
Crazy1
Are you keeping out of that other thread? :giggle:


Go and see!!! :giggle: :whistling:
banned#30
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person.
Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and
became quite thin and frail. Due to this diet, he wound up with very
bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a . . .

Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
banned#31
A green frog hops into a bank, jumps up on the counter and says to the teller, "My name is Kermit Jagger & I want a loan."

The teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer. Her office is down the hall and the name on the door says "Patricia Wack."

So the frog hops off the counter, down the hall and to Mrs. Wack's office. He jumps up on her desk and says, "I want a loan." Mrs. Wack, quite puzzled, gives the standard line, "We must have something to secure the loan, some collateral."

At that the frog pulls out a ceramic tiger, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan.

So Patricia picks up the ceramic tiger, goes in to the bank president's office, places the ceramic ornament of Mick Jagger on his desk, and tells him, "I have this frog in my office who says he wants a loan, and this is what he has to secure it. I don't even know what this thing is."

The bank president looks at the ceramic tiger, looks at Mrs. Wack, looks back at the ceramic tiger and finally says,

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan, his oldman's a Rolling Stone."
banned#32
Why are seagulls called seagulls?


Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
#33
hothothot
Why are seagulls called seagulls?


Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!


Hmm.........Bagels.........

*homer style drool*

Anyways...... joke time!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 quid?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
banned#34
lol ^
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
#35
My local Ice-Cream man was found lying dead on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
#36
the best joke so far is from Ungreat...
Crazy1 Can you plz limit your jokes as i find them more boring than funny....
#37
I like crazy1's, they are original (although a bit distasteful with the Paverotti ones).

The others I have heard them before.
#38
Whats black and white and red all over?

A nun with a spear through her head!
#39
i read this somewhere i found it quite funny....
A Girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The Girl says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to

her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to

assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a

nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
#40
What did the bartender say when a priest, a boyscout, and a blonde walked in?
Is this a joke?



What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?

Get in the car.

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