1. Zoe Lyons: "I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her."
2. Andrew Laurence: "Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public."
3. Lloyd Langford: "My girlfriend said 'did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?'. 'Yes,' I said, 'but a gun is easier to conceal'."
4. Josie Long: "When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said 'oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work."
5. Tim Vine: "Velcro. What a rip-off."
6. Stephen Grant: "The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe - wouldn't it be easier just to talk to a woman?"
7. Edward Aczel: "So far Bird Flu has only killed 47 people. By the time it ends, it's going to have killed 37 million. It's got to get going, hasn't it, if it's going to be the pandemic we've all been hoping for."
8. Joan Rivers: "Grandchildren can be f****** annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink?' It's like talking to a supermodel."
9. Tom Stade: "I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward."
10. Jeff Kreisler: "People were outraged because of Barack Obama's spiritual advisor. I think it's great he had one. Who was George Bush's spiritual advisor? Jim Beam? Johnnie Walker? Jack Daniels?"