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Family problem need advice please

Mardyass Avatar
8y, 1m agoPosted 8 years, 1 month ago
To cut a long story short I have never got on with my mother in law and we rarely speak because of it,she is a very demanding,opinionated woman who likes to tell people what to do.

I have been with my husband (her son) for 13 years now,married 9 and we have 2 girls,one is 11 and the other 4,I also have 2 older sons 14 & 16 from a previous relationship.
Hubby treats all the kids the same but his mother does not,she favours the girls as they are her sons,dont get me wrong she never misses the boys birthdays and if she has visitors she glams it up to them about her"grandchildren" but in all honesty its a show.

The girls on the other hand have always spent a wednesday at her house after school/playschool and then she has them overnight and takes them to school the following morning.
Back before the school holidays hubby and I told her that the youngest one would be going to a local village C of E school because the ofsted reports were glowing and its such a nice lil community school,she went off on one demanding that we send her to the school nearest her house (which is further away from me) and theres no point sending her to a C of E school when we as parents arent going to church every week etc etc,she also barked on about how there isnt any competition between the children in a smaller school.
She warned me that if we did put her into this school then she would not be having her on a wednesday anymore.

Now we are back from our holidays and the kids back at school true to her word she is refusing to have her but is having the 11 year old as her school is opposite the mother in laws house.

I had words with hubby over this lastnight as its not fair,the 11 year old has always been the 1st born favourite and my 4 year old was upset yesterday that nanny "didnt want her anymore"
I spoke to my 11 year old and asked her how she would feel if she were 4 and was in the little ones shoes but she just kicked off that I'm trying to stop her seeing her nan,this isnt the case at all but I do believe strongly in fairness,I have watched my lads being pushed out by her and I dont want to let her do that to the little one too.

Would you stop the 11 year old going? would you leave things as they are as its her thats missing out?

I have had so many rows with hubby over her its unreal,he is very supportive,knows what she is like but the bottom line is I feel she creates situations that make us argue


(sorry its a long one!)
Mardyass Avatar
8y, 1m agoPosted 8 years, 1 month ago
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banned#1
She sounds like a very sad person.

I would avoid her, if possible.

She is not worthy of your time.
banned#2
i'm so sorry, thats no fun what so ever and really not fair on any of the children or you and your husband. it really is her loss on the long run as she is missing out on real family life with you and all the children if she continues to behave in this way. just don;t let it ruin things between you and your husband. stop her seeing the kids temporary on the wednesday and maybe all pop in on a sunday to show a united front, so if she wants to see the 11 year old, she needs to see them all and treat them equally.

really sorry and hope things work out

take care x
#3
I think your husband needs to speak to his mother, explain to her the hurt she causing - how can she do that to a 4 year old is beyond me, never mind the older boys.
#4
I would stop the 11 year old going in the hope your MIL realises she won't get to see the 11 year old unless she has the 4 year old too.
#5
fireheaven
I think your husband needs to speak to his mother, explain to her the hurt she causing - how can she do that to a 4 year old is beyond me, never mind the older boys.
I think she does these sort of things to get at me more than anything:x
banned#6
Mardyass
I think she does these sort of things to get at me more than anything:x


shes a real grown up then !! lol, i no its hard, but you guys are better than that and it is so her loss in the long run x
#7
Personaly I would stop my 11yr daughter going, and let your husband tell her and his mother, that you have 4 children as when he signed the dotted line he wanted to take responsibility for the boys. The mother seems to be calling all the shots, its both your home and both your lives, take control she will soon have to come to terms with the changes.
#8
A sign of inappropriate behaviour involving children in adult feuds, not really the adult thing to do, I'm sorry for your children and of course your situation.
#9
First off, you and your hubby should do what you both think is best for your kids, so sending them to school is entirely you and your hubbys decision alone.

It appears that all the Mother-In-Law is doing is playing the emotional blackmail card and manipulating the situation, add into that she is passively hurting the kids that go and see her by being a stubborn and obnoxious old git.

Explain to the kids that if they want to go visit their Nan then they can, let the Nan tell them why they cant come visit her, play the old bag at her own game, but dont get upset at the kids, its neither their fault, nor yours. Your hubby should be more supportive here as its his mother and he should be having stern words with her.

Tell the old bag its got nothing to do with her where your kids go to school and when she decides to raise them 24/7 then she can get a say on it. Most important, dont let her get to you as this is what she is counting on and knows that it will cause arguments. Divide and Conquer is her game, make it clear to her in no uncertain terms that you will not stand for it and that if thats the path she chooses then make it clear that she isnt welcome at any time. Be as stern with her as she is with you, and get your hubbys support here as this will let her see that you both stand strong and stand together.

You have my utmost sympathy here, if it was me I'd just crush up some laxitives and slip them in her tea, that should keep her quiet,....lol
#10
I agree with all comments so far. Do you work on a Wednesday afternoon? Because if you are available to look after both girls then maybe is there an activity you could all go and do like swimming or something?
#11
What a crazy sounding old woman. At the end of the day, you are their mum and she has no right to try and dictate to you which school you should send your little girl to. And any grandparent that doesn't treat all their grandchildren the same deserves a kick up the bum if you ask me, and that's what your husband should be doing to her.

If it were me, I'd explain to your 11 year old that you're not stopping them seeing their nan, but at the same time, your 4 year old is getting very upset because nanny won't have her over anymore, so rather than have your 4 year old feel like she's not wanted, it's fairer that no one goes over. Yes, the 11 year old might have a bit of a strop over the whole situation, but it will soon die down. You can't have your mother in law acting like a spoilt brat and basically trying to blackmail you into sending your child into a school of her choice, and your husband should be telling her something along the lines of 'we're sorry you feel like this, however, as it's creating upset between the children and leaving one upset and confused, we think it's best that no one goes to your house anymore until you can strat treating ALL of them the same'.

It's then up to her to sort herself out. No one likes being like this with any family member, but at the same time, they need to show you and your family some respect and if they can't love and support you all in whatever you want, then they're not worth having around anyway.

I hope you get it all sorted
#12
my in laws are like this they only take my son over night. and favour him more than my daughter, my husband had words and it has got a bit better. we told them that they have to explain to our 4 yr old why they wont take her in future.

jennie
#13
i agree with the other posts, you should not let your 11 year old stay either. If you let her stay then you are letting your MIL have all the control she wants. They are your children and it is entirely upto you and your husband how to raise them, no one else should get involved. I would get your husband to explain that your more than willing to keep the arrangement as it was before but not for her to just have one child as it is not fair on your 4 year old. Must be a very difficult situation. It is a good idea to do something special for the kiddies on the wednesday if they don't end up at your MIL's. Don't give in though.
#14
o dear..its not good...goodness knows what she is saying to the 11 year old.... its so petty.... id just say the sisters like to stay together so its not a good arrnagment..therefore avoiding a big ass fight... ut getting point across
[helper]#15
Insist she treats the children equally. If it is not convenient for her to see the children after school, then end that arrangement but arrange a time when hubby can take both children round to see her. That way you can explain to the 11 year old she will still see her nan.
#16
Thankyou all for the replies,she winds me up so much but like i said i think that is her intention.

wednesdays I have blood clinic every week so she knows wednesdays are difficult for me,now I will have to take the little one with me which i dont like doing as I dont want her to see what procedures I have,thats why it worked out really well before when she had both girls every wednesday.
I will put my foot down and stop the 11 year old going,she wont like it one lil bit as she is nannys lil girl but this situation cant go on
#17
Well done! and remember to slip her a few laxatives in her tea just for good measure.
banned#18
Mardyass
Thankyou all for the replies,she winds me up so much but like i said i think that is her intention.

wednesdays I have blood clinic every week so she knows wednesdays are difficult for me,now I will have to take the little one with me which i dont like doing as I dont want her to see what procedures I have,thats why it worked out really well before when she had both girls every wednesday.
I will put my foot down and stop the 11 year old going,she wont like it one lil bit as she is nannys lil girl but this situation cant go on


Good Luck x x
#19
This woman sounds like she`s a test pilot in a broom factory!
Tell her in no uncertain terms she treats all 4 children the same or risks loosing seeing them all together, it`s her loss.
How a Grandmother could treat a 4 year old like this is beyond me.
#20
I would go to see her, with your husband, united, and tell her if she refuses to see both the girls, then she will see neither as its too unfair. Explain to her that the 4 year old is very upset as her "nan doesn't want her any more" and it's too painful to watch. Offer to make another arrangement with her if it's too awkward for to take the youngest to school, how about a Friday night instead? you could collect the girls the next day.

if she still refuses after that, then I wouldn't let her see them any more full stop, as she obviously doesn't think much of them to start with.

Good Luck!
#21
cuzzy
This woman sounds like she`s a test pilot in a broom factory!
Tell her in no uncertain terms she treats all 4 children the same or risks loosing seeing them all together, it`s her loss.
How a Grandmother could treat a 4 year old like this is beyond me.
the boys are not bothered,they both moan about her and neither of them like her but thats the way she has made it by not bothering with them over the years
#22
cuzzy

How a Grandmother could treat a 4 year old like this is beyond me.


I know, its awful :-(
#23
ChipSticks
I would go to see her, with your husband, united, and tell her if she refuses to see both the girls, then she will see neither as its too unfair. Explain to her that the 4 year old is very upset as her "nan doesn't want her any more" and it's too painful to watch. Offer to make another arrangement with her if it's too awkward for to take the youngest to school, how about a Friday night instead? you could collect the girls the next day.

if she still refuses after that, then I wouldn't let her see them any more full stop, as she obviously doesn't think much of them to start with.

Good Luck!
on a friday morning she has the sister in laws kids,she leaves her house dead early,drives to the other side of town,gets the 2 kids (4 and 6) ready for school and then drives them to school,picks them up afterwards and takes them back to her house for the night so I really cant see what her problem is,its just a case of me not sending her to the school she wanted her to go to!
#24
Mardyass
the boys are not bothered,they both moan about her and neither of them like her but thats the way she has made it by not bothering with them over the years


That`s terrible, I would still tell her how much she is upsetting your younger daughter and stop your 11 year olds visits until she see`s sense.
#25
How about if she were to have your little 4 year old on a non school night Fri/Sat ?
#26
What a difficult situation for you.

Consider your mother-in-laws motives. How does she actually feel about the whole matter.

As a Mum my first priority would be to make the children feel happy, loved and accepted.

Children are individuals. At 11 yrs of age if the child wishes to see her grandmother, can you really stand in the way? You have to be very sensitive with girls of this age, just on the brink of adolescence, as they are just beginning to feel their first flecks of adulthood and want to have control over their own lives. I would encourage her to see the big picture. Ask her if she is aware of how her sister feels. How her grandmother's behaviour has led to a difficult and undoubtably painful position for you. *lead* her to an understanding of the situation and the dangers inherent in this, dont just rant and rave about your mil as she might then see you as "the enemy". You basically want to bring her back, on side.

We protect our children best by equipping them to deal with difficult situations, by arming them with sensitivity and understanding, not by protecting them from people who might be emotionally damaging to them, because we cant *always* be omnipresent anyway, danger is everywhere whether we realise it or not and at 11, she already has the most important skills to deal with such things you will already have taught her without even realising.

As fr the 4 yr old. IMHO the grandmother is the one missing out here. Make wednesdays your special " you and her" time. Go out to kids kingdom, for a naughty treat of some sort, like McDonalds, the cinema, bake cakes together, anything that makes her feel special and loved. You are a mummy and daughter TEAM! I wouldn't be surprised if the 11 yr old didnt see this and decide she'd rather be at home, anyways ;) I just noted your blood clinic needs. Was told by a nurse how great it is for lil ones to watch their mummies being brave when they have certain proceedures etc done. Makes them more calm if they ever have to go through anything.

Husband needs to be pulled onside too. You are his wife and family. If she cant respect your relationship due to her love for him and his grandchildren then he will have to rethink his relationship with her.

Aren't boys great how they dont give a monkies? lol

I feel bad for you and hope things work out xxxxx
#27
I agree with all the other posts here

The children should all be treated equally including your boy's.
You and hubby should be united in this and not argue about it as she is in theory getting what she wants.

Stop the 11yr olds visits until ma in law sees sense.

They are your children hun and she shouldn't be allowed to get away with treating them like this. She sounds like a very stubborn lady so play her at her own game and don't back down.

Hope everything works out for you xxx
#28
ooooh my blood is boiling, she sounds like a right royal be-atch and sorry to say and harsh (but i've been there) spineless husband who wont stop her in her tracks.

Your children do what YOU want them to do. What right has this woman to dictate how you bring up your children. You didn't ask for her advice or her opinion.

Personally I think you need to address this matter with you and your husband in the same room. Tell her that your childs education is of more importance than anything she has to say and that you will not fight in a tug of war situation with her. She either sees the children or she doesn't.

Good luck and hope it works out as best it can and tell your hubby that he also needs to put this woman in her place.... the supposedly loving grandmother!
#29
Your MIL is being neither fair nor consistent and is relishing in using whatever power she perceives she has to keep you 'beholding' to her. She ought not to be allowed to use the children as pawns in her little game.

Very often our children possess a great measure of maturity and sensitivity as well as a keen sense of what is fair.

I wonder if your 11 year old is able to understand the strain that is being imposed on the family by the actions of your MIL? Perhaps an open conversation sharing feelings but without recrimination would be useful.

If she does understand, it might be a good idea for her to write to her grandmother explaining how it is affecting her and the rest of the family and letting grandmother know that until she can see both girls, she won't visit on her own.

Hope this helps.
#30
LaoTzu
I would stop the 11 year old going in the hope your MIL realises she won't get to see the 11 year old unless she has the 4 year old too.


eaxctly , the kids go together , you dont start splitting them up . all or nowt ...impressionable 4 yr old is too young to understand whys and why nots ....
#31
BTW as im sure you know 11yr olds can be a pain in the **** when they want
#32
Totally agree, Playing kids off against each other is really wrong, its one thing to show a bit of favoritism but to be so downright difficult will only result in one thing - she will drive a wedge further between you and her which will have a knock on effect that the kids will see less of their nan and she will be the one who will miss out more.

If you are strong on this and stop all kids seeing her as regular, i am sure the mother in law ( or as i would like to call her OLD C**TSLUDGE ) will realise how much she misses them and she may come around, If not you get a bit of an easy life from not seeing her!
Good luck!

PS,Sorry bout the name calling, some old witches know exactly what they are doing causing misery!
#33
agree with all said,it has to stop but I feel like i take it out on hubby and it isnt really his fault his mother is like it,anyhows we shall be having words again and i will make him sort it out once and for all
#34
Good for you mardyass, don't give in until she see's sense.

And not hubby's fault but how would he feel if it was your mum treating the kids like that?

Tell her all or none, her choice and her loss if she doesn't agree.

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