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feel lonely and confused

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i have been with my bf for 7 years and we have 3 children together,i would say i was v happy up until 3 years ago at which point i found out he had been up to no good on the internet dating sites,cybe…
edjaned Avatar
7y, 11m agoPosted 7 years, 11 months ago
i have been with my bf for 7 years and we have 3 children together,i would say i was v happy up until 3 years ago at which point i found out he had been up to no good on the internet dating sites,cyber sex,searching prostitutes etc etc.i did have an idea some of this was going on but he made me think it was all in my head so i then thought i was cracking up and when onto depression tablets.since then i have no shred of confidense left and i spend every day not being able to face the world i feel cheated and i feel like im not worthy of a man.he does say he is sorry 4 everything and he tells me he luvs me but i cant be the same with him since my deppresion is getting worse everyday im dizzy and shut of most of the time in my own little world not being able to discuss whats happened with anyone as i feel its a reflection on me

on the whole he is a good man,he is great with the kids,good in the house and he does make an effort with me but i just cant physically show him any love anymore,i dont know what to do to get out of this situation im scared to move on i seem to always pick the wrong men,i dont know if the problem is me i just dont know anything anymore,we dont argue or anything and do get on so should i still carry on?

i see my life passing by and dont know what to do 4 the best so thats why im asking 4 opinions on here as i have no one else to turn to and i think im heading for a nervous breakdown,so would rather have opinions on strangers than speak to people i know about it
edjaned Avatar
7y, 11m agoPosted 7 years, 11 months ago
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#1
have you tried relate?
1 Like #2
yes we went to relate,for a short while it was a bit better but he just doesnt put any effort into anything he couldnt be bothered to read the books or anything so i just gave up
1 Like #3
If I Were You I Would Go On Holiday For A Few Days And See What Transpires It Might Be A Help To Find Yourself Again,spread Your Wings And Free Your Mind Give Youself A Spring Clean So As To Speak And It May Help You See Clearer
Ps I Lub You
#4
1. Do YOU love him
2. Do YOU want to be with him
3. Is this just a LONG bad patch that will get better in your opinion?
4. Did you find out what he was doing on those websites? (Men will research purely for knowledge, not just because they're looking for any extra-curricular)
5. Do you believe him
6. Do YOU trust him.
7. Would life be better without him living with you (He should always still be a part of the kids' lives, and therefore part of yours as well)
8. Are you my wife? (similar conversations recently)
9. He's had a long enough test-drive after 7yrs and 3 kids. Time to poo or get off the pot.
#5
1.i love him but i think its more of a habit love im not in love with him anymore
2.i dont know what i want
3.no i think the damage has been done i dont think it will improve
4.no it wasnt research he had also been calling prostitues from our home whilst i was at work
5.i dont know what to believe
6.no i dont trust him
7.he will always be involved in the kids lifes no matter what,i dont know if my life would be better without him but i just dont want my kids or him hurt
8.no lol im not your wife
#6
I think tbh with those questions you answered you know in your heart its not to be ((hugs))

I think tbh once you made the break you will be happier than ever, may not seem it now though.
#7
Sorry to hear that you are not feeling to good....There will be many "opinions" but only you can decide what to do.

If it was me, and I was not happy, personally, I would move on...Yes, it is easy to say, but I know a few women who have been in similar situations, and although scarey, the ones that did seperate and make the break, are ALL much happier now. You will be amazed at the strength that you have deep down inside of you, and most probably don't feel like you have, or give yourself credit for.

We are incredibly resilient! This is your life. You are responsible for it, you are responsible for how you think, how you feel, and if circumstances prevent you living with joy, feeling secure, feeling safe and happy, then you need to change it, and basically do whatever it takes for that to happen...

I empathise with your situation. If he is a good father, then he will always be a good father, and many "couples" manage to bring up loving, balanced kids without living together, so don't use that as an excuse for not doing what is best for you and the kids.

Talk it over with him, see if there is any salvaging the relationship. Maybe both go to counselling, but if it is not working, and if it was me, as difficult as it might be at the start, I would break free.
#8
Tablets can only do so much,they are not a solution on their own.You need some counselling imo.....YOU......once you start to sort you out,then you will be best prepared to sort your relationship out.

You seem to have lost all confidence( I know how that feels)...go to your GP and get referred,counsellors will help you to come to terms with all these feelings you have.

I wish you all the very best of luck,you are not just a mummy or a partner,you are a valuable person in your own right:)
#9
vinylandtrinkets
oh hun wish i could help you, I think you really need to speak to your GP and ask for a referral to a specialist, they will then help you find tablets that will make you feel better, this would hopefully be in the short term, Relate might be another idea as MHH1981 said, You have taken the first step in resolving the problems just by chatting on here, it shows that you are a caring loving person who wants to sort things out.
I really wish you all the best hun, if you ever need a chat and dont want to start a thread drop me a PM


i have seen a specialist a couple of times but didnt seem to help,i am already on tablets diazepam,anxiety tablets etc but i dont want to spen my life relying on them,they just numb the pain
thanks for reply
#10
So sorry to hear you feel like this, these are all symptoms of proper depression. Do either of you have any private medical cover? If so you need to go to the GP and ask to be referred to a consultant who can then recommend some better tablets and also some therapy somewhere. If you don't have the private medical you still need to go to the GP and explain everything to him in as much honest detail as you have done here and get some different tablets and hopefully an NHS referral for help. Trust me it will help and it's the only thing to do as you won't be able to drag yourself out of it unfortunately as that's the nature of depression :-(
#11
I think you already know what to do. You just need to accept that. There will be a lot of heartache on all sides, including your kids. But maybe you and the kids can be in a better place emotionally in a while.

So sorry to hear about this. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Without love and trust, you have nothing.
1 Like #12
[IMG]http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l23/dazzlejunction/greetings/hugs/hug_7.gif[/IMG]
2 Likes #13
oh sweetie sounds like you are going through a really rough time lately.

i think one of the worst effects of not really knowing if someone has cheated on you is of making you feel like you're imagining it all somehow. it makes you feel unsure of your own mind and your own thoughts which undermines and weakens your sense of confidence and self-identity.

As a mum we always put others first.. our children, our partners.. we always come last on the list. forever putting others before ourselves weakens our sense of confidence and independence. sometimes we stay with a man we no longer feel we love because he supports us, he's great with the kids, we want our children to be happy etc etc. We put our own needs last.

what your husband did has weakened your trust in him when you are already in a weaker position just from being a mum and a wife and not knowing if you can trust him with your life and your dreams as a couple and as a family.

I'm sure you have thought about what he did and you know that looking at prostitutes and sex sites isn't the same as actually meeting someone and being unfaithful. it shows desire and intent but doesnt mean he actually DID anything.

Only you can work out if you can forgive your husband for what he did and whether you can learn to trust him again with all you want and need for both the future... and for all you need to function NOW.

In my experience we shut ourselves off from contact with other people when we are scared of feeling hurt again. When we have a great deal on our minds and on our plates emotionally. You probably find you are snappy if someone disturbs your thoughts while you are thinking and you probably feel under a lot of stress just by dealing with all this.

Please dont blame yourself for what has happened. Please consider if you havent already seeing a counsellor at relate. I think you have a great many feelings relating to your husband and what he did to work through and you'll need to reach an understanding and a resolution to these feelings whether or not you and your hubby eventually stay together or separate.

Love within a relationship goes through many stages. It can feel very empty when we find we have no intimacy or passion left with someone, but there is still a commitment and ties because of the children and financial arrangements and habit, basically.

It is possible to change the outcome of this still, if you still desire to. "Perfect love" is defined as passion plus intimacy plus commitment. You find it hard to feel passionate with your husband as he has damaged your trust in him and your sense of confidence and belief in yourself, your judgements and self identity. It is possible to get all these three back at once and be truly happy within a relationship but it takes a great deal of work, but you can do it, if you both want to.

One more quick word, depending on which anti depressant you are taking, this can sometimes cause dizzy spells. So can the stress you undoubtedly feel under. Be kind to yourself sweetheart. The world can be a cruel place and if you don't love yourself it is going to be hard to convince yourself that anyone else is going to.

You can pm me if you need to x x x
#14
i think deep down i know its over i find myself cringing when he comes near me now

i think lately things are worse as i have just met my dad and he came to stay with us whilst he got some money together for a flat in the area but my bf didnt like him in the house,he felt left out as i was happier around my dad and my dad always compliments me etc
so the last couple of days my dad had to sleep in our car and its just done my head in,i wasnt allowed to feed him do his washing etc and it has just made me feel stuck in the middle
#15
edjaned
i think deep down i know its over i find myself cringing when he comes near me now
There's your answer.

i think lately things are worse as i have just met my dad and he came to stay with us whilst he got some money together for a flat in the area but my bf didnt like him in the house,he felt left out as i was happier around my dad and my dad always compliments me etc
so the last couple of days my dad had to sleep in our car and its just done my head in,i wasnt allowed to feed him do his washing etc and it has just made me feel stuck in the middle


Sorry, but that sounds like a spoilt 7yr old throwing a tantrum. Your fella is using emotional bullying. I'm a geeza, and even I can recognise that (now that Mrs K pointed it out)
#16
p.s. depression is caused by different reasons.

REACTIVE depression will respond to whatever is causing the depression. For instance a job that is too hard on you.. you leave the job.. you feel less stressed and the depression lifts.

There are other types of depression that are not so easily "cured" or allieviated in some way.

Whatever you do this has been going on so long you arent going to wake up one morning and just feel better because you have separated from your hubby or because you both decide to stay together. Whatever you do, your feelings will go up some days and down others. When you are feeling at your lowest is when you need the most understanding and when you will need to be kindest to yourself x x
#17
Whooooah........this guy you are with sounds like a control freak to me!Being with someone like this,they slowly and manipulatively drain you of confidence(which has happened here).They do this because they are ultimately very insecure people themselves.......they need someone less secure than themselves to make them feel better and more powerful.

I am all for trying to work out a relationship,especially if children are involved,but you do not need a leechlike person such as this in your life.Sorry if this sounds harsh but I have seen it happen with friends of mine and the only way is to get rid.

I feel you will still need counselling too,it will help you gain the strength to fully move on.
#18
i think what hurts is that my ex was abusive towards me and said some horible things which have affected me b4 meeting my current partner,i told my current partner about everything and told him from the start my feelings towards porn etc as i wanted to build my confidense but the fact that he has been doing these things behind my back have really affected me and i cant feel attractive anymore when im with him,i walk with my head down and just feel ugly

and i just cant forgive that he made me feel i was going mental and just being paraonid and said i need to see a doc,and that he would kiss me and tell me how much he loved me b4 i left to work nights then as soon as i walked out the door he was up to that stuff
#19
Leave him.
#20
edjaned
i think what hurts is that my ex was abusive towards me and said some horible things which have affected me b4 meeting my current partner,i told my current partner about everything and told him from the start my feelings towards porn etc as i wanted to build my confidense but the fact that he has been doing these things behind my back have really affected me and i cant feel attractive anymore when im with him,i walk with my head down and just feel ugly

and i just cant forgive that he made me feel i was going mental and just being paraonid and said i need to see a doc,and that he would kiss me and tell me how much he loved me b4 i left to work nights then as soon as i walked out the door he was up to that stuff


I think perhaps you are going to have to get strong and stick up for yourself. Tell him that certain things are not acceptable if you are going to remain in a relationship together one of these things is porn. Be entirely clear about what you will tolerate and what you wont. Ask him if he can accept these needs. If he cant its a one way walk out the door and off a tall cliff. If he can then the deal is he gets a clean slate and you'll work at things together.

Whatever you do sweetie, you need to be sure its really what you want to happen x x
#21
short and sweet and to the point


Get rid of him

*hugs* to a lovely lady x
#22
edjaned;4854128
i think deep down i know its over i find myself cringing when he comes near me now

i think lately things are worse as i have just met my dad and he came to stay with us whilst he got some money together for a flat in the area but my bf didnt like him in the house,he felt left out as i was happier around my dad and my dad always compliments me etc
so the last couple of days my dad had to sleep in our car and its just done my head in,i wasnt allowed to feed him do his washing etc and it has just made me feel stuck in the middle

hugs to you :friends:
i wouldn't put up with that :x you should put your foot down & tell him if he doesn't like your dad staying for a while he can leave as it's not fair that he's put you in that situation with family let alone all the other stuff you said happened 3 years ago!!
#23
ilovepink;4854469
short and sweet and to the point


Get rid of him

*hugs* to a lovely lady x

+1 :thumbsup:
#24
cheerleader
+1 :thumbsup:


+2
banned#25
sorry your where you are, but only you can change that, ide be dammed to be in a relationship where i was so lonely, lonelyness without a relationship far beats being lonely within one xx
#26
This is a horrible situation to be in and i am truly sorry for you.

Have you actually caught him being unfaithful or do you just suspect it?
I saw you said that he had rung prostitutes while you were out, this doesn't mean that he actually visited any. He may of just been contacting them for the thrill.
I know it sounds daft but it could be true.

If this happened 3 years ago, what has happened lately to make you become SO down?

Unfortunately i think you know that you need to leave him if he makes you cringe when he comes near you!
THAT is the most defining point (in my eyes) because whether he cheated or not, you obviously don't love him, infact it sounds like the complete opposite.
That's without taking into account that he made your DAD sleep in a car!!!!!!
You should've just been strong then and told him that he is your DAD and you will do anything for him.
I agree that he does sound controlling.

If all this is happening and you are obviously not happy at all, the kids will be picking up on it and that is not good!
You not only need to seperate for YOURSELF but for the KIDS too.
It won't be easy and may infact be the hardest thing you have ever had to do in your life BUT it WILL get better (and easier) over time.
I was with my ex for 6 years and we had even got engaged .... which i had never done before, despite having 2 kids with another ex.
I REALLY believed she was "the one".
Unfortunately i found out that she cheated on me but i gave her a 2nd chance as i believe everyone can make a mistake.
A few months later she did it again so we were over.
It felt like my life had literally fallen apart!
I didn't eat, drink, sleep nothing!
It was worse because we were always with each other. Won't go into details but she was my work and we lived together so we literally were with each other 24/7.
I had to sell my car too cos there was too much money tied up in it n i needed money as i also didnt have a job when we split up.
I then had to move cos i couldn't afford the house so i really did lose everything.

Shortly after this my dad was diagnosed with cancer.
He had a couple of operations and had to move back to england to live with me so i became his 24/7 carer.
6 months later he died :(

I had to have 18 months of counselling but this REALLY helped me!!

2 n a half years later, i'm in a new house, have a great job and an absolutely amazing girlfriend who is more than i could've ever wished for.
I honestly didn't think i'd make it through all that but i did .... and YOU can too :)

Only YOU can make the decision and take the action.

It IS going to be hard and it IS gonna take a long time but you CAN do it.

I wish you all the best :)
#27
starsparkle2311
+3;-)


+4

sassie
sorry your where you are, but only you can change that, ide be dammed to be in a relationship where i was so lonely, lonelyness without a relationship far beats being lonely within one xx



That is very true


Keep your chin up Jan you are a lovely person and I will pm you later when I get home from work as you know we have talked about this before and to let you know where I am in my life now
#28
I don't know what I would advise to be honest, love. Finding your dad and all the extended family will have been emotionally very exhausting for you, on top of your general lack of confidence. Perhaps, you're just too drained to put things right; perhaps deep down you don't even want to.
I agree with rappy, have some time out if you possibly can; just you, by yourself, not rushing around after everyone else.
I do wonder and I apologise straight away if I'm wrong here, whether actually your dad is another drain on you.
If you can figure out what is best for you, then for sure it will be best for your kids as well. That's the best I can come up with and I hope that you can find the inner strength that you will need. There are certain to be support groups around for whatever you decide. My heart goes out to you.
#29
sassie
sorry your where you are, but only you can change that, ide be dammed to be in a relationship where i was so lonely, lonelyness without a relationship far beats being lonely within one xx


I agree Sass...unfortunately!!. Not where I want to be but rejection and loneliness are good for no-one.

Someone recently told me "This is not a dress reharsal - you only get one shot". Cliched.. yes - but very true. I think everyone deserves some happiness.

Everyone is different Edj -but from what you have said I think you need to examine what you do and dont have - the positives and negatives if you like.. and go from there. Sounds like you need someone who will treat you more the way you should be and not in a controlling way..

All the best
#30
Rockhound


Someone recently told me "This is not a dress reharsal - you only get one shot". Cliched.. yes - but very true. I think everyone deserves some happiness.

Everyone is different Edj -but from what you have said I think you need to examine what you do and dont have - the positives and negatives if you like.. and go from there. Sounds like you need someone who will treat you more the way you should be and not in a controlling way..

All the best


Agree. But if you do opt for out of the relationship take some time before embarking on another. You need to be strong in yourself before considering that or you may attract wrong sort of person. Counselling sounds best bet if he will go with you. Don't be too quick to get reliant on pills but they may provide short term relief. Trying to make someone believe they are mad when they unearth things is just as bad if not worse than the deed itself IMO
#31
i agree i need some time on my own my mum has just been diagnosed with breast cancer too so i need to put my life into order,i have been having some bad thoughts lately and seriously considered admitting myself to the hospital 4 help but im thinking straight again now and have decided life is far to short,i want to be with someone who loves me,someone who thinks im beautiful and loves me for who i am but first i want to learn to love myself

i know he cheated when i was pregnant with our 1st son only kissing or so he says but i only just found this out when i found out about all the other stuff,hard to explain eally but i feel like because he has lied to me and he has been doing these things i feel like my choices of what to do were taken away from me,i dont think he has actually met anyone 4 sex but the intent was there and he is obviously after more sex wise than i can give him,and now all my confidense has gone physically and sexualy

i know when i had oor 2nd son i was very ill after a c-section and our son was in special care so i gave him my credit card and he went home and had been paying for porn on my credit card i found out as i had a membership letter,i know some people like porn and its each to their own but its not something i want in my relationship and he has known that from the start

thanks everyone 4 replying x
banned#32
edjaned
i agree i need some time on my own my mum has just been diagnosed with breast cancer too so i need to put my life into order,i have been having some bad thoughts lately and seriously considered admitting myself to the hospital 4 help but im thinking straight again now and have decided life is far to short,i want to be with someone who loves me,someone who thinks im beautiful and loves me for who i am but first i want to learn to love myself

i know he cheated when i was pregnant with our 1st son only kissing or so he says but i only just found this out when i found out about all the other stuff,hard to explain eally but i feel like because he has lied to me and he has been doing these things i feel like my choices of what to do were taken away from me,i dont think he has actually met anyone 4 sex but the intent was there and he is obviously after more sex wise than i can give him,and now all my confidense has gone physically and sexualy

i know when i had oor 2nd son i was very ill after a c-section and our son was in special care so i gave him my credit card and he went home and had been paying for porn on my credit card i found out as i had a membership letter,i know some people like porn and its each to their own but its not something i want in my relationship and he has known that from the start

thanks everyone 4 replying x


you will get there, good luck xxx
#33
edjaned;4855567
i agree i need some time on my own my mum has just been diagnosed with breast cancer too so i need to put my life into order,i have been having some bad thoughts lately and seriously considered admitting myself to the hospital 4 help but im thinking straight again now and have decided life is far to short,i want to be with someone who loves me,someone who thinks im beautiful and loves me for who i am but first i want to learn to love myself

i know he cheated when i was pregnant with our 1st son only kissing or so he says but i only just found this out when i found out about all the other stuff,hard to explain eally but i feel like because he has lied to me and he has been doing these things i feel like my choices of what to do were taken away from me,i dont think he has actually met anyone 4 sex but the intent was there and he is obviously after more sex wise than i can give him,and now all my confidense has gone physically and sexualy

i know when i had oor 2nd son i was very ill after a c-section and our son was in special care so i gave him my credit card and he went home and had been paying for porn on my credit card i found out as i had a membership letter,i know some people like porn and its each to their own but its not something i want in my relationship and he has known that from the start

thanks everyone 4 replying x

you deserve so much better hun xx
1 Like #34
thanks everyone for all the advice u have given me i have made my mind up about what i want
i just hope there is a man out there somewhere that will luv me for who i am and i will be enough 4 him
#35
edjaned
thanks everyone for all the advice u have given me i have made my mind up about what i want
i just hope there is a man out there somewhere that will luv me for who i am and i will be enough 4 him


sweetie.. theres a lot of people who would provide heartfelt support to you here no matter what it is you decide to do.

Make sure when you act, you do so knowing you're sure x x
#36
edjaned
thanks everyone for all the advice u have given me i have made my mind up about what i want
i just hope there is a man out there somewhere that will luv me for who i am and i will be enough 4 him


Good luck honey xx

:friends:
banned#37
edjaned
thanks everyone for all the advice u have given me i have made my mind up about what i want
i just hope there is a man out there somewhere that will luv me for who i am and i will be enough 4 him


you dont need to be part of another to be loved, you have you children and you have yourself, work on you and everything else will fall into place, wish you all the best and you know how to pm me if needed xx
banned#38
Aw, so sorry this is happening to you.

I know we have had the odd argument on here but I honestly hope life becomes good again for you soon x x
#39
edjaned
thanks everyone for all the advice u have given me i have made my mind up about what i want
i just hope there is a man out there somewhere that will luv me for who i am and i will be enough 4 him


I hope you are going to take my advice.

Don't bother about getting into another relationship anytime soon. In the state you are in at the moment, you will attract the wrong type of person, and you'll inevitably end up in a similar situation, as you will be easy to manipulate.

Just get yourself together, and if the right person comes along, you will recognise him.
Women who need a man are not attractive.
#40
thesaint
I hope you are going to take my advice.

Don't bother about getting into another relationship anytime soon. In the state you are in at the moment, you will attract the wrong type of person, and you'll inevitably end up in a similar situation, as you will be easy to manipulate.

Just get yourself together, and if the right person comes along, you will recognise him.
.

Was about to say the same.

I suspect this may have already happened by what you have said re previous relationship.

Once you learn to value yourself you will be best placed to find someone who does the same.

Godd luck xxx:)

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