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Feeling a bit fed up tonight...

£0.00 @
Anyone got any good jokes!?
torapoole Avatar
7y, 9m agoPosted 7 years, 9 months ago
Anyone got any good jokes!?
torapoole Avatar
7y, 9m agoPosted 7 years, 9 months ago
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#1
http://www.antibore.com/links/battle.jpg

me too. OH watching football
#2
Will everyone smile please.
#3
Anyone got any good jokes!?


plenty of them in here :lol:
#4
Get out the wine/beer/whatever you drink!
#5
look up some silly things on google

have you ever tried google - ing your own name? or maybe an old boyfriends? lol
#6
rwm24
Get out the wine/beer/whatever you drink!


I've got out the Baileys, mmm :p
#7
Circus comes to small Irish village. Some of the performers decide to go to confession on Saturday evening . Priest doesn't recognise the first guy's voice and asks if he is a visitor.
He says he is a circus acrobat and just in the village for one night .
Old priest sighs and says he's never seen a circus.
Acrobat takes pity and tells priest to peek out of confessional.
He goes out and whispers to his pals then goes to the far end of the aisle turns and somersaults his way along until he gets to half way. His pal then boosts him into the air so that he can do a triple somersault before landing on a third guy's shoulders.
The old priest thinks it's marvelous!
One of two old women at the back of the church gets up to leave saying,
'I'm off Veronica, just look at the penance Father Reilly is handing out tonight!'
#8
blackpeppa
look up some silly things on google

have you ever tried google - ing your own name? or maybe an old boyfriends? lol


Ohh that's a good idea... so long as they're not multi-millionaires or something!!
#9
cannyscot
Circus comes to small Irish village. Some of the performers decide to go to confession on Saturday evening . Priest doesn't recognise the first guy's voice and asks if he is a visitor.
He says he is a circus acrobat and just in the village for one night .
Old priest sighs and says he's never seen a circus.
Acrobat takes pity and tells priest to peek out of confessional.
He goes out and whispers to his pals then goes to the far end of the aisle turns and somersaults his way along until he gets to half way. His pal then boosts him into the air so that he can do a triple somersault before landing on a third guy's shoulders.
The old priest thinks it's marvelous!
One of two old women at the back of the church gets up to leave saying,
'I'm off Veronica, just look at the penance Father Reilly is handing out tonight!'


lol, very funny!
#10
rwm24
Get out the wine/beer/whatever you drink!


I'm already on the vino... everything is becoming a lot funnier!
#11
torapoole
I'm already on the vino... everything is becoming a lot funnier!


Go get your hamster out, mine always cheers me up because she's so naughty xD
#12
rwm24
Go get your hamster out, mine always cheers me up because she's so naughty xD


Haha she is rolling around in her little ball again- I had her out on my lap for a while but she kept trying to escape down the sides of the sofa! Bless her heart, she's so cute. And yes you're right, naughty :-D
#13
Mines doing exactly the same thing! If she is on the sofa she always tries to jump down the right hand side, never the left. She's zooming around the flat at speed at the moment, she gets stuck sometimes though :(
#14
rwm24
Mines doing exactly the same thing! If she is on the sofa she always tries to jump down the right hand side, never the left. She's zooming around the flat at speed at the moment, she gets stuck sometimes though :(


Hah, I love it when they get stuck, silly ham hams! And no matter how many times you 'unstuck' them they always end up back in the same place!!
#15
rwm24;5580629
Go get your hamster out, mine always cheers me up because she's so naughty xD


Am I the only one who thought hamster was a euphemism for something else?


Maybe bunny related?:whistling:
#16
starsparkle2311
I am:thumbsup::-D This place is getting nasty at the moment, I'm not liking it:x

It's a shame, 'cos I come on here for a laugh, but not many like minded peeps around at the mo':whistling:


Agreed, lots of bitching... although that's not why I'm in a grump, but it doesn't make it a cheery place!
#17
Tommy Cooper always makes me laugh...

One liners...

* Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

* I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

* Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

* Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

* A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '

* 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'

* A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

* A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

* I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

* Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

* 'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'

* 'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

* I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.

* I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'

* I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

* So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

and his jokes...

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet. '


So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, 'You've been promoted. 'And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again. 'And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, 'you're managing director. 'And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said, ' What happened to you?' And I said, 'I careered off the road.

:-D
#18
starsparkle2311
I am:thumbsup::-D This place is getting nasty at the moment, I'm not liking it:x

It's a shame, 'cos I come on here for a laugh, but not many like minded peeps around at the mo':whistling:


i agree hunny :thumbsup:
#19
I was on a bus tour with a friend from texas and went around belfast. We first went past stormont and he asked "what building is that?". I said "That is our parliament building". he said "Our parliament building is two times bigger and made in three weeks."
We then went past city hall and he asked "what building is that?". I said "That is city hall." He said "Our city hall building is three times bigger and made in two weeks."
We then went past the waterfront building and he asked "what building is that?". I said "I don't know, wasn't there yesterday."
#20
funny.onion
Tommy Cooper always makes me laugh...

One liners...

* Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

* I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

* Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

* Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

* A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '

* 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'

* A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

* A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

* I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

* Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

* 'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'

* 'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

* I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.

* I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'

* I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

* So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

and his jokes...

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet. '


So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, 'You've been promoted. 'And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again. 'And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, 'you're managing director. 'And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said, ' What happened to you?' And I said, 'I careered off the road.

:-D



Hahaha those all made me laugh :D
#21
electriclinux
I was on a bus tour with a friend from texas and went around belfast. We first went past stormont and he asked "what building is that?". I said "That is our parliament building". he said "Our parliament building is two times bigger and made in three weeks."
We then went past city hall and he asked "what building is that?". I said "That is city hall." He said "Our city hall building is three times bigger and made in two weeks."
We then went past the waterfront building and he asked "what building is that?". I said "I don't know, wasn't there yesterday."


I don't get it.... feel stupid!! :(
#22
torapoole
Hah, I love it when they get stuck, silly ham hams! And no matter how many times you 'unstuck' them they always end up back in the same place!!


Yup, ours gets stuck in the bathroom and she can only get over the thing on the floor if she zooms at it but sometimes she is lazy and waits for me to lift her over it (in her ball)

I've just put her back in her cage, apparently they should only ball around for 20minutes of an hour otherwise they get too hot!
#23
rwm24
Yup, ours gets stuck in the bathroom and she can only get over the thing on the floor if she zooms at it but sometimes she is lazy and waits for me to lift her over it (in her ball)

I've just put her back in her cage, apparently they should only ball around for 20minutes of an hour otherwise they get too hot!


Ohh I didn't know that, better get mine back in the cage!
#24
torapoole
Ohh I didn't know that, better get mine back in the cage!


"Be careful not to leave a hamster in one of these balls for too long or they may overheat (15-20 minutes at a time is plenty)"

http://exoticpets.about.com/od/hamsters/a/hamsterwheels.htm

I hope your hamster isn't burning up xD

oh and more exciting news... we are definitely moving out in exactly 1 month :-D:-D:-D

Have you heard anymore from the scammer?
#25
rwm24
"Be careful not to leave a hamster in one of these balls for too long or they may overheat (15-20 minutes at a time is plenty)"

http://exoticpets.about.com/od/hamsters/a/hamsterwheels.htm

I hope your hamster isn't burning up xD

oh and more exciting news... we are definitely moving out in exactly 1 month :-D:-D:-D

Have you heard anymore from the scammer?


Ahh Millie is safely back in her cage now, fed treat by my dad too so she's happy!!

Very exciting news about moving out!! I bet you can't wait :D Am very envious!

No news our end really... my dad (solicitor) rang him today and reminded him he had to pay by monday or we're taking him to court and he didn't seem fussed so seems as though we're going the whole hog- feel a bit low about it really (hence the thread!)... realised today he is liverpudlian and his name is the same as a liverpudlian baddie from a soap... ominous really! :(
#26
torapoole
Ohh I didn't know that, better get mine back in the cage!


aawwwh i love hamsters ive got 3 but im looking after my couins so i have four atm
wt kind of hamsters are they
i have :
millie
biggles
noodles
cookie
banned#27
funny.onion
Tommy Cooper always makes me laugh...

One liners...

* Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

* I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

* Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

* Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

* A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '

* 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'

* A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

* A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

* I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

* Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

* 'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'

* 'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

* I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.

* I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'

* I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

* So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

and his jokes...

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet. '


So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, 'You've been promoted. 'And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again. 'And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, 'you're managing director. 'And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said, ' What happened to you?' And I said, 'I careered off the road.

:-D


legendary comedian.
#28
aah96
aawwwh i love hamsters ive got 3 but im looking after my couins so i have four atm
wt kind of hamsters are they
i have :
millie
biggles
noodles
cookie


You have a Millie too?!!?
My brother was very annoyed when we called our hammy Milly cos his gf is called Milla, haha.
#29
torapoole
You have a Millie too?!!?
My brother was very annoyed when we called our hammy Milly cos his gf is called Milla, haha.


haha lols yeh my friend gave her to me he jadnt held her since he got her which was a year and a bit after then the first day i got her i held her she wont lett anyone else hold her though haha, that is my biggles on the avatar :)
#30
aah96
haha lols yeh my friend gave her to me he jadnt held her since he got her which was a year and a bit after then the first day i got her i held her she wont lett anyone else hold her though haha, that is my biggles on the avatar :)


Aww so cute... I have to say I didn't realise hamsters could be so cute until I got mine! :D
#31
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x24/choccywoccy/misty4.jpg
#32
whats the difference between a german woman and a walrus?

1 has a moustache and smells of fish...........
the other is a walrus!:thumbsup:

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