First and foremost, happy Christmas. Let's not forget what Christmas is truly about, its the season of goodwill, presumably the rest of the year no goodwill is needed. A time of giving, giving lots of money to big companies of course! Christmas, the time you get to receive everything you never knew you wanted. Usually something from Poundland in a M&S bag.
Some have more extravagant Christmas' than others, with several courses and alcohol by the gallon. Whilst others fight cats for scraps on boxing day, hence the name, in alleys. Remember, Christmas is a time we can all be equals.
We've got ourselves a great turkey this year, he's agreed to bast himself and promised that he will serve 4 - 6 people. He wont bother with less than 4, he feels he is worth more. But, you get seven and he'll march off in a strop and threaten to give us bird flu. He hasn't had a great life, but sacrificed his life for a few days in ours. Nobody even likes the taste of turkey, dont tell him I told you that. So, he's grown up, barely, been plucked, had his neck cut off and then shoved up his bottom. And after all this still offers to bast himself and serve us.
Presents, the great part in Christmas. If you say, "Dont get me anything, because I wont be buying presents this year." Guarantees you'll get presents, they weren't going to get presents, they do it to make you look and feel bad. Truth be told you only told them you weren't going to get presents because you didnt like them, look who is laughing now! Ferrero Rocher anyone?
I have to buy my partner a present, last Christmas I gave her my heart, the very next day she chucked it away, this year Im going to get something more practical. Dont let this slip, but it was actually a cows heart. She said it looked big, I just told her I ate lots of fatty foods before I met her.
The noble Christmas cracker, hidden inside are many gems. The delightful paper hat, which is compulsory to wear. The joyful jokes, they are terrible, they are where I get my material. Some may give you an obscure riddle to solve too, "Two cats sitting on a fishing boat in the Atlantic Ocean, one ginger and one white, so which owns a crocodile farm in Thailand?". Then the little gifts inside, really handy screwdriver sets to annoying whistles that are guaranteed to be blown non-stop up until someone manages to 'accidentally' stand on it. Notice how all the good ones go missing, keep an eye on any relatives with handbags and pockets, I've lost many a piece of tat that way. Bang!
Im going to leave you here, Im not going to mention Santa, as when I was little he told me he had two balls in his sack for me and Ive never been quite the same since. Happy Christmas once more, hoping you many cold turkey sandwiches to come. You're probably thinking, "At last!"