Free Currys/pc world £5 voucher giveaway - emailed to missgem - HotUKDeals
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Free Currys/pc world £5 voucher giveaway - emailed to missgem

StevenBrown Avatar
5y, 11m agoPosted 5 years, 11 months ago
Since its the time of good will there is a £5 voucher up for grabs

This Voucher is in pdf format already so all you need to do is print it out

all you need to do is make a post OR tell me a christmas joke
i will pick a winner after top gear
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StevenBrown Avatar
5y, 11m agoPosted 5 years, 11 months ago
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#1
Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ??? He only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...
#2
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
#3
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
#4
notts6501
Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ??? He only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...

So!
#5
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The third man answered "They're Carol's."
#6
A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"
#7
meshosa
notts6501
Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ??? He only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...
So!

If you need it explaining go and ask your mum ;)
#8
Knock knock...who's there?....Christmas tree....Christmas tree who?.....Christmas tree with a star on top!

Hmmm I don't get it either but my 5 year old just made it up and thinks it's hilarious
#9
Why is Santa always laughing & so happy?

Cos he knows where all the bad girls live. :)

Edited By: Gixxerman001 on Dec 21, 2010 19:46
#10
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor Who ........................................
[helper]#11
What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She'd go to a "re-tail" shop for a new one!
[helper]#12
Who is never hungry at Christmas ?

The turkey - he's always stuffed !
[helper]#13
What do you call a reindeer with ear muffs?

Anything you want - he can't hear you!
1 Like #14
Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

'Tiny', answers Mike.
'Why's that?' enquires the barmaid.
'Because he's my newt' concludes Mike.
[helper]#15
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
Olive? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names!"
[helper]#16
A man, wearing only a bathrobe, bends over the Christmas tree to pick up a present.

His young son looks up the robe and asks, "Hey Dad! Who's getting the bagpipes?"
#17
what do you get if you cross an apple with a christmas tree?

a pineapple!
#18
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre ......
So the barman gives her one.
[helper]#19
Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?
He had no body to go with!
[helper]#20
Why did the little boy push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.
[helper]#21
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!
#22
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you
#23
Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.

The salesgirl asked him:- 'How do you want it?

He replied......................'Deep pan, crisp and even?'
[helper]#24
Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was p i * * ed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those a * * holes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits

They want the impossible ...Those mean little s * * ts

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason

I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
#25
What do elves learn in school?

The Elf-abet
#26
What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

"I don't like sprouts"
[helper]#27
Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

Edited By: missgem on Dec 21, 2010 19:58
#28
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite
[helper]#29
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
#30
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho
[helper]#31
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

"What denomination?" the clerk asks.

"Oh my God! Has it come to this then?" asks the blonde. "Well okay, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, and 32 Baptist."
#32
One Christmas Eve, a man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named CHET, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
1 Like #33
I wish 8.30 would hurry up, i'm running out of jokes. :p
[helper]#34
heee heee me too notts ;o)
#35
My racing snail had been loosing a few races recently.

I thought if i removed his shell it would make him more streamlined and quicker.

It didn't work. In fact it made him more sluggish.
[helper]#36
notts6501
My racing snail had been loosing a few races recently.

I thought if i removed his shell it would make him more streamlined and quicker.

It didn't work. In fact it made him more sluggish.


Aint a Christmas joke....are you losing the plot now notts hahaha x
#37
sorry to bum you guys out but im watching top gear and the missus wants me to put the laptop down so i will announce the winner after top gear

sorry
[helper]#38
HaHaHa Mr Steven Brown how very dare you!!!! HaHa no problem, enjoy top gear x
#39
My racing snail had been loosing a few races recently.

I thought if i removed his shell it would make him more streamlined and quicker for the Boxing Day races

It didn't work. In fact it made him more sluggish.
#40
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

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