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ok, so up for grabs is a uxcell £3 coupon - tell me the fuunyist joke and you will get it for free!.... got this with my bike light you have 1hr to give the funnyist joke.... i will decide and PM … Read More
jackt010 Avatar
9y, 2m agoPosted 9 years, 2 months ago
ok, so up for grabs is a uxcell £3 coupon - tell me the fuunyist joke and you will get it for free!.... got this with my bike light

you have 1hr to give the funnyist joke.... i will decide and PM the person who has the funnyist joke the coupon code.... or if you dont want it but know a good one post it


admsins this isnt a FS one really justa bit of fun with a mini prize so dont move it there ;-)
jackt010 Avatar
9y, 2m agoPosted 9 years, 2 months ago
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#1
how many jokes can we post
#2
lol.... well it seems no one wants to .... post as many as you like funnyisat will win it
#3
well here goes

---THE POPES CHAUFFEUR---
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

(Remember, he's German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "

Cop: " No Sir."

Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
#4
gd gd.... any more poeple?
#5
hahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!
#6
A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.
#7
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' :p
#8
LOL. Good one
#9
An old man aged 90 gets married to a young girl aged 20 and goes to his doctor for viagra. The doctor says ''sorry but giving a man aged 90 viagra can be dangerous''. The old man pleads and begs for viagra, after a while the doctor gives in and states though it can only be taken under strict guide lines and only for five days. The doctor says take ''half a dose ,skip a day, half a dose skip a day until the fifth day''. The old man does this for the five days, when his wife rings the doctor and says ''he's dead''. The doctor said ''I knew if I gave him viagra it would kill him'', his wife said ,''no it wasn't the viagra that killed him ,it was all that dammed skipping'
#10
snowtiger is winning at the moment!!
#11
Love 'em both haa haa
#12
A blind guy feels his way into a bar unaware that it is a lesbian bar. He sits on a stall and orders his beer, and then says "Anybody want to hear a good blonde joke?" The barmaid replied. "You are obviously blind so you better know, I'm blonde six foot three and I'm a judo champion, the bouncer is a blonde too, she is six foot three and 280lbs, and is a karate champion, sitting directly behind you are three of the biggest and toughest women wrestlers you could find, and they are all blondes to. Do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"
The blind man replied, "No, not if I have got to explain it five times!"
#13
jackt010
snowtiger is winning at the moment!!

them ones are to long you need some short ones like this v v v v

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. :-D
#14
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
#15
A man is shipwrecked on a desert island. Luckily the island has fresh water, fruit trees and an abundance of fish, so he is confident that he will survive until he is rescued. Weeks pass, however, and there is no sign of any rescue.

One day he is looking forlornly out to sea when he notices a speck on the horizon. As it comes closer he sees that it is a person in a lifeboat. As it approaches the shore he sees to his amazement that the person is Claudia Schiffer! He runs to help her out of the boat.

"Oh thank God I found this island!", she cries. "I was afraid that I would die on that lifeboat. I am the sole survivor of a shipwreck."

The man calms her down and explains that there is plenty of food and water and that they just have to keep their nerve and soon they will be rescued. She agrees that they must keep their spirits up, as it is essential to their survival.

Weeks pass with still no sign of rescue. One thing leads to another and they start having sex.

Everything seems fine. After weeks of sex morale is high. However, after a few weeks his mood starts to change. He starts to withdraw and slip into bouts of depression. Claudia sees this and gets worried. She begs him to cheer up for both their sakes, and asks if his mood change has anything to do with her.

"Well, actually, it does", he says.

"Then tell me, is there anything I can do to cheer you up?"

"Erm, yes, there is," he says hesitantly.

"Then just say the word and I will do it! After all, our survival depends on it!", she says.

"OK, then. First, I would like you to cut your hair really short like a guy's."

"OK, that's no problem."

"Then, I would like you to draw a moustache on yourself using a piece of charcoal," he continues.

She agrees, but less readily.

"Then, I want you to speak in a low voice."

Once again she agrees, but is a bit worried now.

"Then finally, I want to call you Bob."

Really worried now, she asks if all this is absolutely necessary. He assures her that it is crucial if he is going to start feeling better. And he wants her to do all this in time for a "special dinner" he is cooking that night.

Later that evening he is sitting by the fire on a log, cooking a fabulous meal. Claudia is in the bushes "preparing" herself.

"You Ok there, Bob?", he calls out.

"Yes, great, thanks", she answers in a low, gravelly voice.

"Hurry up, then, because there is something special I want to say to you!", he shouts.

She emerges from the bushes with her hair cropped very short, a black moustache and talking in a low voice.

"Is this OK with you?", she growls.

He is overwhelmed. "You look perfect, Bob! Now come over and sit by me so I can share something special with you, Bob."

She goes over to the log and sits at the end.

"Come on over here next to me", he says, patting the spot beside him. "I want to get something off my chest, and want you closer to me as it is a secret."

Reluctantly she sidles over to him.

He leans in very close to her and says, "Bob?"

"Yes?"

His eyes light up. "Guess who I'm s_______??!!"
#16
A guy is walking along the beach, when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs lying on the sand, crying. He walks over to her and asks what's wrong. "I've never been hugged before" she says. Thinking this is a simple enough request, the man hugs her. She soon starts crying again. He again asks what's wrong, and she replies, "I've never been kissed before." The man again complies with her wishes and gives her a romantic kiss. She starts crying again, and the man, slightly irritated, asks what's her problem. "I've never been ****ed before" she says. So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "There, now you're ****ed"
#17
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
#18
A man goes into the cinema to watch a film one night, and is surprised to find that the man in front has brought his dog along with him into the theatre.
Then, as he watches the film, he's amazed to find the dog in front laughing at the funny parts, crying at the sad parts, biting his nails at the scary parts and so on.

He can't believe it. After the film, he approaches the owner.
'Blimey, mate, that dog of yours is amazing. He was really enjoying that film!'

The owner shrugs.
'Tell me about it...

he hated the book!'
banned#19
A man walks onto an internet based forum, offering a near-worthless prize for the best joke.
#20
Adam was feeling lonely in the Garden of Eden, and so God said:"I can create a woman for you."
"What's that?" asked Adam.
"Oh, it's something really nice", God replied. "Lovely to look at, gentle, kind, sex whenever you want it, never has a headache..."
"Sounds great", said Adam, "but I bet it doesn't come cheap. What'll it cost me?"
"An arm and a leg", God replied.
Adam thought about it for a minute, then asked: "What can I have for a rib?"
The rest is history...
#21
they call my grandda spiderman.... not cos he has special powers.

Its because he has trouble getting out of the bath.
#22
JDeal... now that wasnt nice... it's justa bit of fun!
#23
A church advertises for a bell ringer.A small armless man applies for the job. But how, the priest inquires, can you ring the bell without any arms? The man replies by ringing the bell with his head. The tone he elicits is very clear and sweet, and soon a crowd gathers in the courtyard below, so beautiful is the sound. And just then the man, running at the bell, trips and falls over the parapet to his death. The priest runs down to his body and is asked if he knows who the man is. I don't know his name, he replies, but his face rings a bell.
The next day the armless man's brother shows up and tells the priest he would like to apply for the job. He rings the bell in the traditional way, but trips toward the end of his audition and goes to his death in the same manner as his brother. Once again the priest runs to his side and is asked if he knows who the dead man is. I don't know his name, the priest says, but he is a dead ringer for his brother.
#24
Tez131;1820150
they call my grandda spiderman.... not cos he has special powers.

Its because he has trouble getting out of the bath.


LOL
#25
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
banned#26
jackt010
JDeal... now that wasnt nice... it's justa bit of fun!


That is a shame, I was hoping I would win myself a voucher for that.
#27
a better one would of been my seplling (lol)
#28
Snowtiger you can put your book away now you have won :w00t:
#29
Enid and Fred are both residents in the same old
folk's home and have become friends over
afternoon tea dances.One day while dancing Enid
remarks that she hasn't had sex since the death
of her husband 15 years before. Fred volunteers
that his sexlife has also been somewhat arid
since the death of his wife 10 years previously.
One thing leads to another and Enid invites Fred
to her room. While disrobing Enid says "before
we go any further I think I ought to tell you that I
have acute angina", Fred responds "well that's
lucky 'cos you've got 'orrible tits."
banned#30
waterloo
Snowtiger you can put your book away now you have won :w00t:


Quick! Before the mutants get you. Take your voucher and run - not fly - they can probably fly.
#31
still got 1/2hr to go
#32
Waterloo is copying me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

''Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, the other was eating
fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off."
Last edited by snowtiger : Today at 13.39.
#33
Did you hear about the blind skunk?
Fell in love with a fart!
#34
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
#35
might have to disqual snowtiger .... he stole a joke ;-)
#36
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
#37
jackt010
might have to disqual snowtiger .... he stole a joke ;-)


Waterloo has a way of nicking my jokes & posting them before me & above my posts !! I think he/she has some special powers & should be disqualified ....
:whistling:
#38
imo:

waterloo
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' :p



FAB!! would have won it if it wasnt for this one:

Tez131
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”



thats still got me laughing.... gonna be laughing all day at that one! hahaha!!


although

JDeal
A man walks onto an internet based forum, offering a near-worthless prize for the best joke.


was almost the winner.. come on this guy is pretty funny...love his straight up humour !! :-D
(enough singing ur praises JDeal...i'm gonna sound like a stalker !!)
#39
tez ur joke is WAAAAY too good.... ill PM u my life savings!
#40
Three Texan surgeons playing a round of golf. As they're walking down the fairway, they strike up a conversation and the first surgeon says, " I reckon I'm the best surgeon in the world". The other two enquire why and the first surgeon says, "I had a patient brought to me recently who had lost both his hands in an industrial accident. I sewed them back on and today that man has an audience to play the piano for Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth".
The second surgeon scoffs at this and says,"that's nothing. Why I had a patient who lost both his arms in an automobile accident and I sewed them back on. At the last Olympic Games that man won a Gold Medal in the Field events".
The third surgeon says, "that's nothing. Several years ago a cowboy, high on alcohol and drugs, was riding his horse down a railroad track and collided with an oncoming express train. All I had to work with was the horse's **** and a cowboy hat. Today that man is President of the USA.

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