Friday Joke ................................................................. - HotUKDeals
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Friday Joke .................................................................

ViperKeith Avatar
5y, 6m agoPosted 5 years, 6 months ago
This is so bad its funny
ViperKeith Avatar
5y, 6m agoPosted 5 years, 6 months ago
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6 Likes #1
http://i300.photobucket.com/albums/nn30/viperkeith/star.jpg

Edited By: ViperKeith on May 20, 2011 10:57
#2
I'll Get my Coat Now
#3
Bloke walks upto a bar and ask the barman for a beer, "anything but Stella" says the bloke.

"What wrong with Stella" asks the barman.

"I had 12 pints last night and when I woke up i was f******* skint", replies the bloke.

"To be fair most beer is around the same price" say the barman.

"No you don't undestand, Skint is my dog" finishes the bloke.

Edited By: greg_68 on May 20, 2011 11:17: because I 'm a complete duffer...
4 Likes #4
greg_68
Bloke walks upto a bar and ask the barman for a beer, "anything but Stella" says the bloke.

"What wrong with Stella" asks the barman.

"I had 12 pints last night and when I woke up i was f******* skint", replies the bloke.

"To be fair most beer is around the same price" say the barman.

"No you don't undestand, Stella is my dog" finishes the bloke.

u mean Skint is the name of the dog
#5
greg_68
Bloke walks upto a bar and ask the barman for a beer, "anything but Stella" says the bloke.

"What wrong with Stella" asks the barman.

"I had 12 pints last night and when I woke up i was f******* skint", replies the bloke.

"To be fair most beer is around the same price" say the barman.

"No you don't undestand, Stella is my dog" finishes the bloke.


That would make more sense if the dog was called 'skint'
2 Likes #6
Lolz fail joke from greg
1 Like #7
I see you spotted the deliberate mistake, damn I paid 99p for that as well.

It's the way I tell em. What a plank.

http://umtwebmaster.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/frankcarson.jpg

Edited By: greg_68 on May 20, 2011 11:14
#8
cdm22
greg_68
Bloke walks upto a bar and ask the barman for a beer, "anything but Stella" says the bloke.

"What wrong with Stella" asks the barman.

"I had 12 pints last night and when I woke up i was f******* skint", replies the bloke.

"To be fair most beer is around the same price" say the barman.

"No you don't undestand, Stella is my dog" finishes the bloke.


That would make more sense if the dog was called 'skint'

i was wondering what i was missing
2 Likes #9
greg_68
I see you spotted the deliberate mistake, damn I paid 99p for that as well.

It's the way I tell em. What a plank.

http://umtwebmaster.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/frankcarson.jpg


Surely you meant £9.99.
banned#10
Thread of the day - well done Greg, you've made my day! :D

You have to run away now and then come back saying it was actually your OH who typed that joke and you were just waiting in the car.
1 Like #11
brb, trying to get this spammed asap.
banned#12
What's blue and shags old women?

Me, in my lucky blue coat!
#13
SURPRISE!
























You've been raped.
2 Likes #14
In the wake of bin laden's death, Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford and Luton killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 2.
#15
You do know muslim is not a nationality

Edited By: Rupz on May 20, 2011 13:18
#16
Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed
as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted,
and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give
him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
2 Likes #17
I was sat in a wine bar, enjoying my own company. I took a sip of my drink and looked over to the other end of the bar. I saw a stunning brunette looking back at me. She was wearing a Wonder Woman costume, with lots of flesh on show. We looked each other up and down, and both gave a knowing smile. I noticed she was drinking Budweiser like me, so I called the barman over. "Same again for me, and another for the pretty lady over there." He said, "That's a mirror, you pisshead, and the rest of the stag do left an hour ago."
1 Like #18
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The f****ing funeral director would be my first guess."
1 Like #19
Man gets pulled over by the police. He's drunk. The policeman says, If you can tell me what you were drinking I'll let you go.

OK says the man, that's easy: "Skint"

I'll grab my coat....
#20
This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f*** off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,


Edna
#21
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
1 Like #22
ok one more........tis a little rude but im sure you all know me by now :D

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"
#23
My friend was admiring my kitchen, complementing me on my choice of bench tops.

I never really thought about it, i guess i just take it for granite.



What's black and red and found in a Glaswegian's socks?

Snooker balls.
4 Likes #24
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples & another 2 apples & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Where the f**k do you get seven from you stupid t**t?
Paddy: Because I've f**king got 1 at home ya pr**k!
#25
boabbyrab
My friend was admiring my kitchen, complementing me on my choice of bench tops.

I never really thought about it, i guess i just take it for granite.



What's black and red and found in a Glaswegian's socks?

Snooker balls.


shocking!!!!!

http://www.londontaxitour.com/LondonTaxiTour-New-TX4-Taxi.jpg
#26
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
sh1t?

Edited By: boabbyrab on May 20, 2011 16:06
#27
..Sky News: Arnie will be back in films when scandal blows over.

Coming July 2012: Sexual Predator

****************************************************************************************************


‎..Maths Question:

There are 6 lines of equal length.

How long will Kerry Katona be in the bathroom?


Edited By: ilovepink on May 20, 2011 16:38
2 Likes #28
The Vice Squad raided Kermit the Frogs Lilly pad today and found loads of photo's of Miss Piggy naked, the officer in charge said its the biggest haul of Frogs Porn he's seen.
2 Likes #29
I was in the local chinese the last night eating a chicken curry
When the waiter come over and asked me "curry okay"
Which i replied "not right now mate i might have a sing song later though"
he just looked at me and walked off miserable sod

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