I was in the cemetary the other day and i saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 2 hours later i saw the same 4 men carrying the same coffin. I thought to myself, they've lost the f*****g plot!
A couple decide they have to tighten up their belts.
She says "You're spending £16 a week on 24 cans of beer. That has to stop."
A week later he says "hang on, you're spending £28 a week on make up."
She says "Yes, but that's to make me look lovely and attractive."
He Says "That's what the beer was for!"
I opened the door to a 6 foot high beetle and it smashed me in the mouth.
Thought you all should know that there is a nasty bug going round.
A Welsh farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a pond.
The Welsh farmer shouted: "Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu un a for."
Which means: "Don't drink the water the cows have **** in it."
The man shouts back: "I'm English, I don't understand. Please speak in English."
The Welsh farmer says: "Use two hands, it holds more"!!!
I backed into a car this morning... right then I knew it was going to be
a really bad day.
When the driver got out of his car, I realized he was a dwarf.
He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
And that's how the fight started.
Apparently the last time Evander Holyfield fought Mike Tyson they tried to reattach the badly chewed part of his ear but the surgery failed. Instead they grew a new piece of ear tissue from pig cells. After the operation the microsurgeon asked Mr Holyfield how the ear was working: ''Fine'' he said, ''apart from a bit of crackling.''
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"
Tonto replied, "Face sticky."
I am sorry, these are terrible!