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Help and advice please

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Hi there i dont know if anyone else has been throught this and can help me.I am living with my partner who has an 8 year old child who is making my life hell.He is always being rude to me swearing at … Read More
JJ77 Avatar
8y, 3m agoPosted 8 years, 3 months ago
Hi there i dont know if anyone else has been throught this and can help me.I am living with my partner who has an 8 year old child who is making my life hell.He is always being rude to me swearing at me etc when his dad is not around and today when his dad went to work and i was looking after him he refused to come down for breakfast and then wet all over the bathroom floor when asked why he said cause if he horrible to me me and his dad will split up.I dont know what to do anymore i am nneb trained but have never come across this before.I have been living with his dad for 2 and a hlaf years now.Any ideas where to go from here.
JJ77 Avatar
8y, 3m agoPosted 8 years, 3 months ago
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banned#1
use the record function on your phone and record whats happening then play it back for his father
1 Like #2
but seriously what is the point of using hot uk deals forum which is meant for commercial deals, to detail your personal problem??
#3
Write everything down and not everything he says, time and date everything and keep it so you can refer back to it at anytime.
#4
I wonder is the boy living at home with his mother and comes to stay with you?

I wonder if he has thought that by breaking you up with his dad, that he might return to his mother? I think the boy needs guiding through what would happen. Maybe his dad sitting him down and explaining, that even if he had no girlfriend that he and the mother would still not be living together.

Sorry if I have it all wrong.

Have you also tried to sit down and have a talk with him? My brother was very young when my mum and dad split up, but I think he really needed to be told directly by our parents what was going on... All these years he has resented being left in the dark about so much.

Good luck
#5
I think that you need to discuss this with your partner, and then haveb a 'family meeting' with the child to talk about why he feels like this etc.
It is a very hard thing for a child to accept, he obviously is not over his parents seperating yet this needs to be sorted first perhaps even involving councelling.
Hope this helps...its not a nice position to be in...but it won't last forever, when he is old enough to understand that these things happen it should get easier.
Good Luck
#6
that is a very hard situation. Im in a similar one where my partners child is 6 but does not live with us. Ive known him since he was two and has always been rude to me. I will ask him what he wants for dinner and then when i cook it say to his dad he asked for something else and he wont eat it. He plays the hard done by child because i tell him off and because his dad only sees him once a month (he lives 200 miles away) he spoils him...so he constantly acts like a brat.He does things (breaks something( and blames me..He wont eat/sleep well and now i have a 1 yr old with his dad i cant deal with his behaviour.Trust me its a horrible situation and that is all me and my partner argue about..i dread him coming to visit..but i know he has to. try and talk to your partner..there is only so much you can take of this...sit them both down and explain that his bad behaviour will not change things between you and his dad. good luck x
#7
personely he needs a kick up the ass, a damn good hiding from his dad
1 Like #8
NUMBER ONE : IGNORE ALL POSTS BY PEOPLE IN THIS THREAD THAT TELL YOU IN SOME WAY TO BE NICER TO / UNDERSTAND HOW THE CHILD IS FEELING

He is 8 years old and intelligent judging by your post. You need to assert some authority over him. None of this bullcrud molly-coddling "he is only ickle and may be struggling wiv takin' u o and stuff innit" - people who say this either don't have children, or do and have had their own parents taking too much control of their children, or are simply living in a rose-tinted world which will come crashing down as their children get older.

To solve your problem. Get a tape recorder or other discreet voice recording device. The next time he tries something. Turn it on, put it in your pocket and talk to him as usual. Walk away from him and act as though nothing is wrong. When the father returns sit him down with the child and play the tape.

One of two things will happen. Child will throw huge paddy for about an hour, or child will sit silently and very embarressed. Either way you will now have the full backing of your partner without any shadow of a doubt and can resolve the issue together rather than expecting the child to split the two of you apart and cause problems.

By the sounds of it he has discipline problems and needs a new routine. Set house rules between all three of you and stick to them. Make a clear and set bedtime and stick to it. Give clear and set rewards and punishments for certain things and STICK TO THEM.

99.9999999% of parents, most of which will probably post in here will attempt to do things like the above, but will get lazy / stupid / bored after a day and give up - then start crying when their children act up again.

For reference I have two children, both of which are exceptionally polite and intelligent and are in general extremely well behaved, happy children and both myself and their mother are consistantly praised on how polite / intelligent they are. That's not to say we haven't had our problems. But actually doing something about problems is a fact that escapes most of todays oblivious parents.

I fully expect me to get abused now to stating the truth but - oh well. I know and you will to after attempting this that the people who cannot understand these simple facts will raise unruley, impolite and generally not very nice children. Look at the children of the world today - you think they just....became like that? No. It's people. Grown people. Grown stupid people with a clue on how to raise children other than what TV, A 3 month college course or their bloody mum told them....

[/rant]
#9
you need to make it very clear to him that you are going nowhere, like others have said, record him when he is acting up, then play it back to him, ask him what his mum and dad would think if they heard it, then smile sweetly and tell him to behave and they won't ever hear it... lol

:)
#10
tie him up and put him in a cupboard until his dad get to the front door then quickly let him out.lol
banned#11
Radioactive.Toy
NUMBER ONE : IGNORE ALL POSTS BY PEOPLE IN THIS THREAD THAT TELL YOU IN SOME WAY TO BE NICER TO / UNDERSTAND HOW THE CHILD IS FEELING

He is 8 years old and intelligent judging by your post. You need to assert some authority over him. None of this bullcrud molly-coddling "he is only ickle and may be struggling wiv takin' u o and stuff innit" - people who say this either don't have children, or do and have had their own parents taking too much control of their children, or are simply living in a rose-tinted world which will come crashing down as their children get older.

To solve your problem. Get a tape recorder or other discreet voice recording device. The next time he tries something. Turn it on, put it in your pocket and talk to him as usual. Walk away from him and act as though nothing is wrong. When the father returns sit him down with the child and play the tape.

One of two things will happen. Child will throw huge paddy for about an hour, or child will sit silently and very embarressed. Either way you will now have the full backing of your partner without any shadow of a doubt and can resolve the issue together rather than expecting the child to split the two of you apart and cause problems.

By the sounds of it he has discipline problems and needs a new routine. Set house rules between all three of you and stick to them. Make a clear and set bedtime and stick to it. Give clear and set rewards and punishments for certain things and STICK TO THEM.

99.9999999% of parents, most of which will probably post in here will attempt to do things like the above, but will get lazy / stupid / bored after a day and give up - then start crying when their children act up again.

For reference I have two children, both of which are exceptionally polite and intelligent and are in general extremely well behaved, happy children and both myself and their mother are consistantly praised on how polite / intelligent they are. That's not to say we haven't had our problems. But actually doing something about problems is a fact that escapes most of todays oblivious parents.

I fully expect me to get abused now to stating the truth but - oh well. I know and you will to after attempting this that the people who cannot understand these simple facts will raise unruley, impolite and generally not very nice children. Look at the children of the world today - you think they just....became like that? No. It's people. Grown people. Grown stupid people with a clue on how to raise children other than what TV, A 3 month college course or their bloody mum told them....

[/rant]


Wow....
#12
[QUOTE=Radioactive.Toy]NUMBER ONE : IGNORE ALL POSTS BY PEOPLE IN THIS THREAD THAT TELL YOU IN SOME WAY TO BE NICER TO / UNDERSTAND HOW THE CHILD IS FEELING

He is 8 years old and intelligent judging by your post. You need to assert some authority over him. None of this bullcrud molly-coddling "he is only ickle and may be struggling wiv takin' u o and stuff innit" - people who say this either don't have children, or do and have had their own parents taking too much control of their children, or are simply living in a rose-tinted world which will come crashing down as their children get older.

I am a mother of 2 and a childminder. My children are well behaved and praised too. I must live in a rose tinted world! I hope it doesn't come crushing down

I don't completely dissagree with your rant...but I always try talking first, then other necessary action. Often a little bit of embarrassment is humbling.
banned#13
I know years ago when my mum and stepdad split up (they had been together since i was little so he was like a dad to me) i found it really hard but never did anything as bad as the little boy. I found it really hard to have a polite and normal conversation with my mums bf, even though i knew she would never get back with my stepdad.Its just getting used to change.

Dispite what that narrow minded fool up there says, you do need to tread carefully becasue at 8 years old he still is only a child and probably hasnt been given a full explanation by his mum or dad as to whats going on. I bet he feels protective over his dad (if they live together) and doesnt like the attention you get from his dad becasue he wants it all to himself.

Saying that he should be given an absoulte verbal roasting for his behaviour as its unacceptable, but i think you should sit him down and try and ask him to explain whats upsetting him about you and his dad being together.

Hope it gets sorted, must be awful xxxxxxxx
#14
Thank you to everyone who has posted it is nice to hear from other people especiallly when you fell isolated and like your the only one it happens to.
I am looking after my partners son today and after typing this message he was being rude so i phoned his dad at work who gave him a roasting over the phone and made him apologise which he did but it has had no effect on him as in straight back to tv as if nothinng had happened.
His dad then gets cross with me saying i need to sort the problema dn bond with the child and i am fuelling the issue by not sorting it.
I then found out he already told his dad over a wekk ago that his game was to split us up so was nothing new to his dad.
For reference we have the him 2 weekends out of four and most holidays and have had him for the last 2 weeks as his mother needed a break from his awful behaviuor.
thanks for support and advice
#15
wickedteen
personely he needs a kick up the ass, a damn good hiding from his dad


AGREE :thumbsup:
#16
lol well at least i'm laughing now
#17
Hey, Hun I have 1 child who is mostly very polite but as he is only 5 he does go trough tantrum phases. It must be very hard for you but immagine how bad it must be for this kid even his own mother can't take him. I think you should get yourself your partner his ex and the boy in the same room and pu your foot down and explain to this boy that his behaviour is unacceptable and to his parents warn them that his future isin their hands and if they dont do nothing than you just won't have him staying end of. Sorry i'm being harsh but the boy needs discipline and boundaries and it's the parents duty to do that. Good luckxxxx
#18
JJ77
Thank you to everyone who has posted it is nice to hear from other people especiallly when you fell isolated and like your the only one it happens to.
I am looking after my partners son today and after typing this message he was being rude so i phoned his dad at work who gave him a roasting over the phone and made him apologise which he did but it has had no effect on him as in straight back to tv as if nothinng had happened.
His dad then gets cross with me saying i need to sort the problema dn bond with the child and i am fuelling the issue by not sorting it.
I then found out he already told his dad over a wekk ago that his game was to split us up so was nothing new to his dad.
For reference we have the him 2 weekends out of four and most holidays and have had him for the last 2 weeks as his mother needed a break from his awful behaviuor.
thanks for support and advice


Hi Hon, his behaviour obviously isn't all down to wanting to splt up you and his dad if his Mum " needed a break from his awful behaviuor". Sounds like this child has some real difficulties that you are going to have to seek help for and better now than later. Do you get on well with the childs mother? Could you or your partner have a good chat with her about needing to seek further help with his behaviour? You ( or preferably his Mum ) may need to take him along to the family GP and request the help of child and family counselling services or family therapy.

This child's behaviour should not be controlling your life and if you are thinking of leaving his Dad because of the bad time the child is giving you, something has to change. You must feel utterly desperate and helpless at times.

Wetting the floor and playing up while you are on the computer are instances of attention seeking behaviour. He needs to be taught some strategies to cope with the way he is feeling and to have plenty of activities to keep him busy to stop him becoming bored. I dont mean to sound blunt when I say, do you have children of your own? Are you aware of when he is feeling out of sorts, bored, angry and how he is expressing this in his behaviour?

This isn't going to be an easy thing to do but if you wish to improve the situation for everyone concerned you are going to have to network and get help on board. Its hard work but its worth it...its a childs way of life at stake.

I am a Mum of five and I can honesty say being a Mum is a huge struggle at times. As parents all we do is just keep on doing our best. Hope this helps and you manage to make the changes you need x x
1 Like #19
hi there once again thanks for your posts yes i have a son who is 7 years and have been in child care for 11 years.
We have tried buying him things the other has not had and he straight away breaks them ie his ds and psp both broken and he takes the games out of the house and loses them.
We have had him checked for adhd and been assessed by the school behaviour people etc who all say he is a clever kid playing games to get what he wants.
#20
marian_14_jul
but seriously what is the point of using hot uk deals forum which is meant for commercial deals, to detail your personal problem??


this is what we do in the miscs section ! you don't like it then move on !!!:x
#21
thanks for the above being a new user i was worried maybe i shouldn't have posted this but due to the helpful response from all other than 1 guessed it was ok
#22
JJ77
hi there once again thanks for your posts yes i have a son who is 7 years and have been in child care for 11 years.
We have tried buying him things the other has not had and he straight away breaks them ie his ds and psp both broken and he takes the games out of the house and loses them.
We have had him checked for adhd and been assessed by the school behaviour people etc who all say he is a clever kid playing games to get what he wants.


Honey, it's fine you posted this.

Have you thought of giving him a diary to express his feelings in?

Have you asked him what it is he wants?

At that age he may THINK he knows what he wants but he isnt fit to say what is best for him. But it would be interesting to know what it is he believes he's wanting. If he really is that problematic and manipulative in my experience things only get worse once they hit puberty and hormones come along.

I don't think you should be the only one worrying about all this. You weren't the one to lay down and conceive him. Why is it being left to you to cope with him? His parents are going to have to DO something to ease his fears and worries and make sure he doesn't keep treating you like nada and thinking he is king of **** mountain.

You're gonna have to put your foot down honey if you want any of this to change. It isn't fair for your 7yr old to be witnessing all this x x
#23
thanks once again for your all your posts i cannot believe how much of a difference it has made to how i am feeling today to speak to people outside of the circle.
It boils down to his mum dont really want him but wants the money that comes with him and whenever she gets bored sends him over to our house.
My partner works full time and cause i work in a school and get the holidays off its left down to me to deal with.
Thanks for the diary idea i think this will be worth a try,he is just convinced if he is horrible to me i will ask his dad to leave and he will return to mummy who has a fiancee living with her so i cant see it and they been split for 4 years now .
My house is like a childrens heaven toys every where so he should not be bored and attention seeking for i am always around and ready to play with the kids.
My partner was gonna deal with him tonight but was too busy and never did so a fun day ahead of me tomorrow i thinks.
Thanks again for listening to me rant and giving helpful advice
#24
Maybe he thinks if he plays up bad enough you'll send him back to his Mum?

I'm glad speaking to others is helping you cope.

If I were you i'd be concerned about my own child in this also.

You know how kids copy each other. And i know when my 15yr old is a pain, my 11yr old gets really upset about it.
#25
yep my son has done a couple of things like the 8 year old always wets himself and my 7 year old has started to have a dribblew in his pants whent they together but i am very strict and he knows not to push boundrys.I am very close to my son as bought him up on my own till i got with my partner so emotionally we are very close and we are trying to carry on as normal my son is very intelligent and older than his age so i can explain a lot to him.
I just wish my partner was more supportive and carried out the punishments he said he was going to do instead of being scared of being the daddy who is not liked.
#26
Yes it is important he follows through if he says something it should be done. Have to be consistent so the child knows where he stands and feels safe. I dont blame you for feeling frustrated with all this.. I think I would have been pulling my hair out!! *hugs*
#27
Doesn't sound like a very nice situation to be in.

You need to have a serious chat with your partner as like all children, his boy needs boundaries setting and he needs to know that both you and his dad are working together on this. His dad needs to take this a lot more seriously, and it's not all about shouting at him when he's playing up. He needs to take him to one side and explain that him and you are an item and are going to continue to be so no matter how he acts. He should also let him know that you both love him very much and want him to be a part of your lives together.

Maybe a few family days out and family evenings in doing things he likes would help kick start things off on the right foot, but the main thing is that he sees you working together when he's done wrong so he knows he can't play you off against each other and that whatever he's doing isn't ripping a great hole in your relationship. It might take a while, but I'm sure things will settle down in the end. Good luck :thumbsup:
#28
lol the **** continues and now when we make a punishment the father wont back me and gives in cause poor little boy and instead is now mak9ing out everything my son does is wrong and i have just ended up shouting at him x
#29
hiya for those of you who have been reading this post if your still there lol am i worng in expecting an apology from the kid after telling lies about me?Its just caused a huge row with his dad as i said i should have been given an apology and the kid shouldnt have been given all his toys back just cause he been good for his mum this week surely we should be dealing with the behaviuor that he did he stilll and not let him just think he got away with it
#30
I'd like to thank you all so kindly for haveing such a frank debate about my child and my apparent lapse in parenting skills if only all the facts were to be placed on the table i do honestly wonder if you would all so kindly be slagging me off - you dont even know me so how dare you judge me.

Cutting to the chase butt out of what does not concern you how i deal with my son and what means i persue to aid him is nothing to do with any of you, didnt realise that the mental and stable health of MY child was such a hotukdeal my my what a world we choose to live in eh.

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