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How would you deal with your partner if you discovered they were cheating?

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One of my closest friends has been really down the last couple days and wouldn't tell anyone what was wrong with him and kept saying he has to deal with issues within himself. After meeting up with… Read More
realfriendlyman Avatar
7y, 11m agoPosted 7 years, 11 months ago
One of my closest friends has been really down the last couple days and wouldn't tell anyone what was wrong with him and kept saying he has to deal with issues within himself.

After meeting up with him last night, he admitted that his gf had become a compulsive liar and was making moves on his friends.
He obviously didn't want to believe them and had a lot of arguements with the mesengers but after hearing about this for months, he actually caught her kissing one of his friends on a date when she was supposed to be elsewhere and is annoyed at both the girl and his friend for going behind his back.

What do you think he should do now and what advise would you give him because he's completely devestated?

***FOR THE RECORD*** this is not a topic about me and is genuinely about my friend
realfriendlyman Avatar
7y, 11m agoPosted 7 years, 11 months ago
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#1
Sack her and his so called "friends" and move on.
#2
He will never be able to trust her. He has to end it now, no question.
#3
End it now,move on.

Something going on with people we know and the hubby not doing nowt about it and it's constantly ongoing!
#4
sack her off
#5
You mention he is one of your closest friends, that being told he will bounce back, its never a pleasant experience finding your gf has been cheating on you with another friend (had it done across me) and with it you can end up without a circle of friends...the fact he has got one true friend will mean a lot and help him eventually move on from this.
#6
Women like this don't 'become' compulsive liars, the longer they get away with it, the less they try to hide it!

From the sounds of it, this girl has probably been cheating from the start of the relationship and now doesn't bother if she gets caught or not, which is why she moved on to his 'friends'

She obviously doesn't care otherwise she wouldn't have messed with his friends, that is just the actions of wanting to get found out. In other words, wanting to break up but not knowing how else to go about it, Stupid i know, but some females find it hard to split up in a somewhat 'normal' way.

Your friend should not try and work this out with her as she will just see this as a sign of weakness and proof she can do what she wants. Your friend should also re-evaluate his friendships, no-one needs friends like that!!
#7
But I want some actual advice....he's really down....my friend looked like he wanted to kill himself and can barely speak...he was so depressing last night.

I want to give him encouraging words to make him feel better. :)

P.S this thread is really about my friend and not about me in the slightest. :)
#8
OP your title question and your opening paragraph question are totally different....

I'll answer this one...

"What do you think he should do now and what advise would you give him because he's completely devestated?"

With this....

What is the girls response now she has "been caught"?

Is it a long term relationship?

Do they have kids together?

Did they ever agree to any form of "open" relationship?

Has he ever cheated on her?

Is he in love with this girl and prepared to work on issues within the relationship?
#9
thats really tragic. i had a mate who was heartbroken and its useless telling them that dont worry ur better without them....they dont feel like that at all. its gonna be a rough ride...but u gotta really be there for ur mate and try to show him that life doesnt have to be with her and that he deserves so much better. he might not believe u but u gotta stay by his side and support him thru this time
#10
He is going to be gutted for a while, he sounds like a really nice guy :(
Some women see this a mile off and take total advantage of nice guys.

Be around for him, even when you get sick of hearing about it! Just be a good friend and spend a little more time with him than you normally would. Also remind him that some people aren't worth too many tears and would he really have wanted to be with someone that he couldn't trust.........
#11
All i can say RFM is get him to face her and tell her what he seen. Then to walk away even if it really hurts him. If she is willing to try it with his friends she really doesn care about him.
#12
ClarityofMind
OP your title question and your opening paragraph question are totally different....

I'll answer this one...

"What do you think he should do now and what advise would you give him because he's completely devestated?"

With this....

What is the girls response now she has "been caught"?

Is it a long term relationship?

Do they have kids together?

Did they ever agree to any form of "open" relationship?

Has he ever cheated on her?

Is he in love with this girl and prepared to work on issues within the relationship?


It wasn't supposed to be contradicting but it was supposed to be eyecatching. :)

He hasn't told her yet, he saw them kissing and was distraught and has been in hiding since.

I think they've been together for about 6 months but he's fallen for her.
They don't have kids and it's not an open relationship.

He's never cheated on her and I don't know what he wants to do about her but I just know he can barely speak to anyone.
#13
realfriendlyman
It wasn't supposed to be contradicting but it was supposed to be eyecatching. :)

He hasn't told her yet, he saw them kissing and was distraught and has been in hiding since.

I think they've been together for about 6 months but he's fallen for her.
They don't have kids and it's not an open relationship.

He's never cheated on her and I don't know what he wants to do about her but I just know he can barely speak to anyone.


Sounds like he is still in shock at what he has seen and doesn't yet have the heart to have "the talk" with her yet as it may well lead to him not speaking to her ever again.

A heavy position to be in.

Just be there for him as a friend and support him through this. He trusts you or he wouldn't have confided in you. You are just ears for him to speak to.

Don't be judgemental in any way regarding the girl as if they stay together you'll regret your words.

He will have to do something soon or she'll know the games up anyway when he can't bring himself to speak to her.
#14
I want to give him encouraging words to make him feel better


Then tell him at least it wasn't all his friends as she hasn't tried it with you. :oops:

As mentioned earlier he must dump her and get rid of his so called mates that let this happen and were involved
#15
I've been in the same position as your friend. I felt completely ill, when I found out what he had been up to - I couldn't even stop myself vomitting in the street (sorry too much info for this time of the morning). But I can understand how distraught he felt.

I don't think anyone could tell me at the time how to feel better. My mum would make sure I showered, blow dried my hair and 'dressed myself up' each day. She said it would make me feel better.

Be kind to your friend, be there. I hope he does end the relationship - it's a shoddy way to go just 6 months in -(or at any part of a monogamous relationship).

Oh the second time I had my heart broken (and the last) I booked myself a holiday and had myself a holiday romance to help my recovery - :oops:
#16
Your poor friend.

While he is devastated, the best thing for him to do it for him to walk away. Just sit down and explain this to him as hard as it will be for him to hear. If she can do this within 6 months of a relationship then I only imagine she will get worse. 6 months your meant to be in the honeymoon period so the fact that she can do this means she will only get worse.

But he needs to sit down and speak to her, tell her what he know and what she has made him feel. She may not be as serious about him and he is to her but this is no way gives her the right to hit on his friends and then cheat with them.

You need to just be moral support for your friend, always listen to him, tell him it will get better and it will be ok. While we dont want to hear things like this when we feel the way he will, it does help. Time is a great healer.

All the best for him xx
#17
Are they living together? Any shared financial committments?
Sounds as if you are the only one he is opening up to or one of very few people. Your support will help him through this patch. In the longer term, regardless or what others have done, he will need to look at himself to work out what drew him into this situation in the first place. Otherwise this may be just one of many instances where he is taken advantage of. (in various aspects of life).
This is not necessarily a male or female thing. Just support him for now without being overbearing.
#18
jellybaby22
My Ex cheated on me all the time..he was with other people more than me...:lol: I felt like the other woman......


so many people do it.. just despicable really to cheat on someone, but it happens and i guess people feel they have their reasons
#19
If they are not married..then he had a lucky escape and it's time to move on. If they are married or have children then maybe it's worth trying a bit harder and look into speaking to Relate
#20
For what it is worth - I was in exactly the same position as your friend......
And the advice that has alreadt been given out, I wouldn't want to contradict in anyway as it is clear what peoples sentiments to this are.

As hard as it was, I had to let go, or walk away or whatever you want to call it. In the process not only did I lose one fantastic (so called_) friend of over 15 years, I also lost my other half.....
It is a double whammy and still hurts like hell to this day......
Why? Who knows - but it happened..... I tried to talk things through, but it was like getting stabbed through your heart by not only the one you confide in - but also the doubled crossing two faced .... As well....

As obviously they both knew each side of my story....
He has to let this one go - the trust is never really TRULY going to be there .....
And 6 months - although they say you can fall in love in an hour....
Hopefully in another 6 months he will be able to look back and think himself lucky in a way that this didn't go on any longer or the decipt wasn't carried on for any longer...

Be there for him just like his mates clearly WERE NOT.
What else can you do?
xxxxxxxxxx
#21
Set fire to her.

Harlot.

Don't give them a second thought, get them out of his life and move on asap. Don't dwell on some tart who wasted his time.
#22
If anyone really wants to understand why ... this is a must read :

THE ETERNAL TRIANGLE by Susan Quilliam


We live in a society where monogamy is seen as the ideal. Yet the vast majority of relationships today will at some time involve a third person. The three people concerned will move through that particular combination of desire, euphoria and despair that is the eternal triangle. This book tells the stories of more that twenty such triangles, through the words of the men and women involved. Susan Quilliam, an experienced psychologist, examines the way these people feel and react. Her aim: to understand why and how the eternal triangle happens. What she learns leads to a startling conclusion: that the eternal triangle is in fact a collaborative affair. Contrary to age-old belief, the triangle does not consist of two guilty lovers and their victim; all three people involved, whether they are aware of it or not, create what happens in the triangle, and any one of them can, if they so choose, take control of the triangle and affect its outcome. The Eternal Triangle is not an easy book. The stories it contains will hit home; its conclusions may not be comfortable. But one thing is certain; this book will change the way we understand and experience relationships in today's world.
#23
snowtiger
If anyone really wants to understand why ... this is a must read :

THE ETERNAL TRIANGLE by Susan Quilliam


We live in a society where monogamy is seen as the ideal. Yet the vast majority of relationships today will at some time involve a third person. The three people concerned will move through that particular combination of desire, euphoria and despair that is the eternal triangle. This book tells the stories of more that twenty such triangles, through the words of the men and women involved. Susan Quilliam, an experienced psychologist, examines the way these people feel and react. Her aim: to understand why and how the eternal triangle happens. What she learns leads to a startling conclusion: that the eternal triangle is in fact a collaborative affair. Contrary to age-old belief, the triangle does not consist of two guilty lovers and their victim; all three people involved, whether they are aware of it or not, create what happens in the triangle, and any one of them can, if they so choose, take control of the triangle and affect its outcome. The Eternal Triangle is not an easy book. The stories it contains will hit home; its conclusions may not be comfortable. But one thing is certain; this book will change the way we understand and experience relationships in today's world.


mmmn interesting. Easy to think of situations like this as black and white but is extremely unlikely to be anywhere as simple as that.
#24
the person who is cheated on doesnt feel as if they have any control of the situation at all.

they may lose the most important person to them.

I'd be interested to read the book.
#25
He's clearly been living in denial if he wouldn't believe what his friends have been telling him for months. Surely he can't be surprised even if he is devastated. Perhaps the friend she snogged set it up to convince him. Tell him that it hurts now but in the cold light of day, he can make a decision as to what sort of relationship he wants. She is much less committed than he is.

The book looks good Snowy:thumbsup:
[mod]#26
One of my closest friends has been really down the last couple days

he admitted that his gf had become a compulsive liar and was making moves on his friends

he actually caught her kissing one of his friends


You should have been a better friend and left her alone. ;-) :p
#27
" Bro's before Ho's"
#28
I asked my hubby what he would do in this situation and the response came back instantly very graphic and detailed. Don't think I'd ever cheat lol

Now he wants to know why I'm asking! lol
#29
bitseylango
" Bro's before Ho's"


Oh bits you make me :giggle:
#30
jellybaby22
:lol:

going all gangsta bitsey.....


BlondeBella
Oh bits you make me :giggle:


I think Im spending too much time with my 19 year old and his mates :oops:
#31
bitseylango
I think Im spending too much time with my 19 year old and his mates :oops:


lmfao. That is the kindo thing i would say so i think your right:roll:
#32
bitseylango
" Bro's before Ho's"


bitseylango
I think Im spending too much time with my 19 year old and his mates :oops:


My friends actually use that saying. :giggle:

I'm going to show my friend this thread the next time I see him, so keep up the posts guys and girls and I'm hoping it'll make him feel better. :)
#33
realfriendlyman
My friends actually use that saying. :giggle:

I'm going to show my friend this thread the next time I see him, so keep up the posts guys and girls and I'm hoping it'll make him feel better. :)


You sure he wont mind you sharing his problem with everyone tho, dont want to make him more annoyes/upset.:thumbsup:
[mod]#34
BlondeBella;5338109
You sure he wont mind you sharing his problem with everyone tho, dont want to make him more annoyes/upset.:thumbsup:


Don't be daft........it always helps to rub their nose in it. :? :lol:
#35
give ther the boot and give him a kick to the gonads
#36
Syzable
Don't be daft........it always helps to rub their nose in it. :? :lol:


See being blonde blinds my thoughts thats why i dont understand:whistling:
banned#37
There is a woman who live's not very far from me.

She has been seeing a married man for 4 year's.

I think it is very sad, she has a little boy who is 5 year's old and he thinks he is his dad.
#38
BlondeBella
You sure he wont mind you sharing his problem with everyone tho, dont want to make him more annoyes/upset.:thumbsup:


Nah, he won't care because no one knows who he is or anything about him. :thumbsup:

I'm hoping this will make him see things clearly and help him move on. :)
#39
Right, he's been with this girl for 6 months - That's not a lifetime and he's fallen for her - Tough, he has to break the bonds and move on. He needs to talk to her, face to face AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T CRY! Be strong, be very, very solemn and look her dead in the eye - "I saw you with *friend*..." [Pause and wait for her to digest the fact she's been caught - If panic sets in, good]

She will most likely continue the lie and try to cover it up 'I had dust in my eye' or whatever. He's to be strong and tell her to go to hell, that he never wants to see her or her new plaything. She can go mess with someone else's head 'cos she's not worth the hassle.

Be cruel and make her feel as bad as she's made him feel - But stay in control. Don't let her wriggle her way back into his arms, by being all kissy, flirty etc - Just picture her with the friend and that'll melt all those nice feelings away.

Walk away and forget about her, and keep the head held high - No tears, no emotion, no anger - Be empty and feel satisfied that you are no longer weighed down by that sack of manure.
#40
realfriendlyman
Nah, he won't care because no one knows who he is or anything about him. :thumbsup:

I'm hoping this will make him see things clearly and help him move on. :)


Ok just making sure it doesnt make him think he cant trust any of his friends with you posting this.:thumbsup:

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