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I need a bit of advice on a sensitive subject please

loobie Avatar
7y, 5m agoPosted 7 years, 5 months ago
I hate to put things out on forums but really need a little help.

I am going to tell my son tomorrow about his friend from playschool. He was killed in a tragic accident last weekend.
I wasnt going to say anything but now quite a few people have told their children and lots of people are talking about it so i want to tell him myself.

How do i tell him please?
loobie Avatar
7y, 5m agoPosted 7 years, 5 months ago
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banned#1
oh i am so sorry loobie, all i can say is try to be as honest as you can, the children may talk about it at school and you dont want to be fibbing to protect him and have him getting confused, children take on these things far more easier than adults, i know that doesnt help but i think being as honest as you can will help him deal with it
#2
Really sorry to hear that, I can't offer any advice I'm afraid but wish you the best.
banned#3
its a very difficult subject to bring up, the most important thing is not to be sad yourself as children panic and associate strong feelings with early experiences. Although it is important to convey sadness, it is important to reassure your little boy that you're there for him etc.

There is much research about introducing children to bereavement, one person I saw on television used dolls and teddies and talked a lot about heaven. children like the idea of heaven, it is far easier to understand than the concept of someone simply disappearing.

Perhaps start by asking your little boy what he thinks heaven is, or what it means if someone dies. Get his thoughts on the matter first and comfort him with knowledge prior to the bad news. He will feel more comfort in knowing what you're talking about than confusion of words he doesnt understand.

I will get on google and see what I can find that might help you.

Sorry for your loss too, such a small life is so very tragic.
#4
ah that is so sad, and tuff to tell a pre schooler. atleast at his age he probably will be quite matter of fact about it and after a few questions such as why, how etc he should move on quite quickly.
There are a couple of books aimed at small children talking about death, maybe phone your local library and see if they have any.
good luck x
#5
I'll try but at the same time i dont want to freak him out. He has only just turned 4 so i cant go into too much detail!
The staff at playschool are not talking about it at school (yet anyway) as i think they want the parents to tell their children first.
#6
What an awful thing to have to tell your son at such a young age.
If he is aware of heaven, then tell him that his friend has gone there because he was poorly, and is looking down on everyone and that he will be the brightest star in the sky at night.
Hope this helps, good luck and best wishes xx
#7
owens101
ah that is so sad, and tuff to tell a pre schooler. atleast at his age he probably will be quite matter of fact about it and after a few questions such as why, how etc he should move on quite quickly.
There are a couple of books aimed at small children talking about death, maybe phone your local library and see if they have any.
good luck x


Thanks, i didnt think of the library. I'm off there tomorrow so will take a look.
#8
He is aware of heaven as i have explained to him about my own dad.Im pretty sure he doesnt understand completely but he has talked about it.

Thanks for all the replies xx
#9
You need to tell him in simple terms. Just be honest and open with him.
Good luck.
#10
When my sons Dad died we released a balloon for him which would go up to the sky and reach him in heaven. We still do this every birthday, christmas and fathers day. I know it isn't about telling your child, but this really does seem to help my son.

Good luck and big hugs to you both.
#11
loobie - my thoughts are with you xx
#12
loobie
I'll try but at the same time i dont want to freak him out. He has only just turned 4 so i cant go into too much detail!
The staff at playschool are not talking about it at school (yet anyway) as i think they want the parents to tell their children first.


I think you are being wise, children of this sort of age take things pretty much on face value and although they ask difficult questions they don't expect any in depth answers. I think Sassie is completely right (as usual), I would be totally honest and frank about it but don't get too in depth, there is a danger of saying too much and getting your son freaked out about going in cars or preocupied with death. Sorry to hear about this, must be awful for you all.
banned 1 Like #13
owens101
ah that is so sad, and tuff to tell a pre schooler. atleast at his age he probably will be quite matter of fact about it and after a few questions such as why, how etc he should move on quite quickly.There are a couple of books aimed at small children talking about death, maybe phone your local library and see if they have any.
good luck x


loobie
I'll try but at the same time i dont want to freak him out. He has only just turned 4 so i cant go into too much detail!
The staff at playschool are not talking about it at school (yet anyway) as i think they want the parents to tell their children first.


as owen has said, children of this age are very resiliant (sp) to this, and will aks questions but they do move on very quickly, being safe with you and trusting in you is the most important things, answer his questions as openly, taking into account his age, as you can xx
#16
wow having no expierence of this sort of thing i was gonna suggest telling him they moved away ,but youve had so much gr8 advice from others with experience id say go with them now

thoughts and prayers are with their family
#17
Thanks for the links, will take a look at them now.

If anyone would like to read about Cory then here is the link - http://www.northantset.co.uk/news/Parents-of-tragic-boy-killed.5381419.jp
#18
p.s id be a bit weary about telling a child someone was in heaven just incase they wanted to join them

dont know if that makes sense ,just have never told my little un where his granda s just said hes on holiday
#19
loobie
Thanks for the links, will take a look at them now.

If anyone would like to read about Cory then here is the link - http://www.northantset.co.uk/news/Parents-of-tragic-boy-killed.5381419.jp



read about it the cant imagine how the poor grandad feels
#20
It is extremely sad! We live in a very small town and it has affected quite a few people as you can imagine. Silly thing is i saw his mum today and couldnt say anything! I just smiled at her - i mean how pathetic!
#21
loobie
It is extremely sad! We live in a very small town and it has affected quite a few people as you can imagine. Silly thing is i saw his mum today and couldnt say anything! I just smiled at her - i mean how pathetic!


somtimes thats all you need

im sure she wouldnt have wanted to talk about it

she'l know what was meant by smile
#22
Such a sad story and what a gorgeous little boy, hope your little boy is okay, all the best. Never had to deal with the situation before so no advice for you, sorry. I do hope that he takes it okay though xx
#23
Well ive had some good advice thanks to all of you, i will do my best tomorrow xx
#24
Sorry to hear about it, such sad news, I think, reiterating what others have said, best to be honest and do your best to answer the questions he may have- all the best for telling him xx
1 Like #25
I am sorry for the tragic loss of such a young life. My condolences go out to you and the family of Cory.
I recently lost my aunt to cancer, she was very close to me and especially to my young children. We tried to be as honest as we could without going into too much detail about it. It did help that the kids had learnt about heaven at school, so they already had their own idea's of what happened to people at the end, but they did have a lot of questions.
We also let all of the kids write little private meassages and pictures, attached them to helium ballons and released them one evening. I think this helped them alot as they were able to say goodbye in their own way.
Sorry to go on a bit there, it was quite hard to find the right words.
banned#26
Just tell the truth. He won't understand anyway.
#27
have read the story ,what a beautiful little boy ,very sad
really hope your little one is ok:|
#28
Wow. I read this story the day it happened and it certainly is tragic. My son is 4 and it really makes you think how fragile life is.

What a gorgeous little boy, I can't begin to imagine what his famliy are going through :-(
#29
when my husband died i wish i had told the whole truth to my kids but as was pregnant wasnt thinking straight, nor were the social workers to hand.

from experience, explain that just like good things happen like birthdays and christmas, so can bad things. then explain a bad thing has happened to someone he knows. and continue along like that. the simpler the message the easier and let him ask what he wants to know from that.

worked well for me in the end.

wish u well.
#30
When my son was in playgoup his bet friend a little girl called Emma died suddenly from a brain haemorrhage. We just told him exactly what had happened and he was, of course, very upset but understood that things go wrong in bodies and then the body can't work properly anymore. We are not at all religious so didn't say anything at all about heaven or better places or the like, just what happened.
loobie
It is extremely sad! We live in a very small town and it has affected quite a few people as you can imagine. Silly thing is i saw his mum today and couldnt say anything! I just smiled at her - i mean how pathetic!

I just wish that I had known her mum a bit better though, because she never came to terms with her devastating loss and became a Jehovah's Witness and her family fell apart. If there is any chance that you can do more for her than I did for Emma's mum then please do your best. The situation is awful, I know.
banned#31
my little chap does talk about heaven as whn my goddaughter died he was only just over 4 and asked lots of questions, he asked where they go after and i couldnt say i believed they just died, end of.

Also my daughter was only 4 when her daddy died, and she could never understand why he never rang her, she understood she would never see him again but she could not get her head around why he didnt ring her, you just have to go with what you think is right, but as they get older they understand more, and will ask more questions about their friend that died
banned#32
Sad hearing about such stories. In a primary school down here a year or 2 back, a girl died of a heart attack believe it or not i think she was 8 or 9.... then a year later almost to the day her sister died of simular causes. i Remember it well as it was in the local paper. They had even taken her to hospital as she was complaining of dizziness then released with some medicine im guessing. within 30 minutes she had died. Shocking.

But good luck telling your son.
#33
My nephew died, aged 5, from meningitis. He and my daughter were at school together, in the same class from the first day.... she was 6 months younger than him.

My friend looked after my daughter whilst we were visiting my Nephew, and when I picked her up, I had to field this one............ :cry:

I took her out in the car, and parked up, then she knew something was wrong. I told her that he was ill, and the doctors tried really hard to fix him, but they couldn't.

It was horrible... and she was asking how he would manage to lose his first tooth, and birthday parties ( they had all just been to her 5th birthday party a week or two before)........ :cry:

I guess honesty is the best policy... hard though it is. :-(

(She is 13 now, and has always understood.)
#34
Sorry i didnt see these last few mssages!

Such sad stories - hugs to all xxx

Well i told him and he just sat and listened then tried really hard to hold back the tears. I didnt expect that at all! Later on in the day he mentioned it again and asked if Cory was going to heaven in a helicopter cos how would he get there lol. Kids do worry about these things!
banned#35
loobie
Sorry i didnt see these last few mssages!

Such sad stories - hugs to all xxx

Well i told him and he just sat and listened then tried really hard to hold back the tears. I didnt expect that at all! Later on in the day he mentioned it again and asked if Cory was going to heaven in a helicopter cos how would he get there lol. Kids do worry about these things!


awww bless him, they will ask the strangest of questions, but it all makes sense to them i'm sure xx

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