Precinct Beverage Operative
Salary: 10p for a cup of tea + carrier bags
Harold Ramp & Partners, one of Europe's leading vagrancy consultancies are seeking to recruit an experienced precinct beverage operative to join a busy bench in Sheffield's Orchard Square Shopping Centre.
The successful candidate will have a proven track record of stumbling around a retail concourse whilst swigging from a bottle of white cider, and will ideally have at least 2 years experience of aggressive shouting at passers by. Shoes without laces are not essential, but would be an advantage.
If you are a purple-faced dedicated team player aged 25-75, looking to expand your career horizons in a challenging yet rewarding post bringing you into close contact with members of the public and security staff, we'd like to hear from you.
For an application bundle contact Mad Jim on the steps outside Waterstones Bookshop, Orchard Square, Sheffield.
HAROLD RAMP & PARTNERS
'Investing in people who p**s themselves'
The methylated Nomadic Group is an expanding nationally-based organisation of hobos working primarily in town centre gutters and paved thoroughfares. We have an active and vibrant development programme and are currently recruiting for the following position to join our South East team
Executive Senior Tramp, 168hrs/wk- circa 20p for a cup of tea + any loose change.
The ideal candidate will be a go-getting self starter with proven muttering skills and at least 10 years experience of standing on a street corner shouting at traffic in a woolly hat. A lack of basic personal hygiene is important as well as one or more of the following:
- A beard full of dried sick
- 4 pairs of ill-fitting trousers
- Foetid stench and colourful facial bruises.
London Transport operates one of Europe's leading integrated rapid mass transit systems. We are looking for a motivated individual to fill a key post which has arisen within our organisation:
Grade 2 Comatose Underground Vagrant
circa 12p for a cup of tea (inc London weighting) + Subsidised travel
You will be required to sleep in an underground train going round on the circle line between the hours of 4am and 12.20am Monday to Saturday. The successful applicant will be expected to work in close proximity to our service users in order to make their journeys as unpleasant as possible, so experience of creating commuter discomfort and nausea in enclosed spaces will be a distinct advantage.
- Do you have a proven track record of sitting in your own ****?
- Can you fit all your worldly belongings in eight carrier bags?
- Could you render all seats within a 10ft radius of yourself unbearable?
If your answer to these questions is "Arrgh, f**k off, ya f**kin' basa" then we want to hear from you.