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Joke Thread ....

snowtiger Avatar
8y, 3m agoPosted 8 years, 3 months ago
.
Post your jokes here ................

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
.
.
snowtiger Avatar
8y, 3m agoPosted 8 years, 3 months ago
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#1
Please :)
#2
A young lady asks her boyfriend to come over one Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic as he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the chemist to get some advice and condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a three-pack, a
ten-pack or a family pack. 'I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl,' the
boy tells the pharmacist. 'I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice!' The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack,
saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That
night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,'
she says. 'Come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say
grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,'I had no idea you were this
religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father
was a bloody pharmacist.
#3
thts an urban legend
#4
................ & remember ;
[CENTER]"Education is when you read the fine print.
Experience is what you get if you don't."[/CENTER]
#5
[SIZE=2][FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR=black]A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to [/COLOR]take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time [COLOR=black]of his life, that is, until the ship sank.[/COLOR][COLOR=black]He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, [/COLOR][COLOR=black]nothing, only bananas and coconuts. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR=black]After about four months, he is lying on the [/COLOR][COLOR=black]beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the [/COLOR][COLOR=black]shore.[/COLOR][COLOR=black]In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' [/COLOR][COLOR=black]She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when [/COLOR][COLOR=black]My cruise ship sank.'[/COLOR][COLOR=black]'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up [/COLOR][COLOR=black]with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw [/COLOR][COLOR=black]material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'[/COLOR][COLOR=black]'But, where did you get the tools?'[/COLOR][COLOR=black]'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the[/COLOR][COLOR=black]island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I[/COLOR][COLOR=black]fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile [/COLOR][COLOR=black]iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'[/COLOR][COLOR=black]The guy is stunned.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR=black]'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, [/COLOR][COLOR=black]she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly [/COLOR][COLOR=black]falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow[/COLOR][COLOR=black]painted in blue and white.[/COLOR][COLOR=black]While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, [/COLOR][COLOR=black]The man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she [/COLOR][COLOR=black]Says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you[/COLOR][COLOR=black]like a drink?'[/COLOR][COLOR=black]'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.[/COLOR][COLOR=black]'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,'[/COLOR][COLOR=black]winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'[/COLOR][COLOR=black]Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit [/COLOR][COLOR=black]Down on her couch to talk. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR=black]After they have exchanged their stories, the woman[/COLOR][COLOR=black]announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you[/COLOR][COLOR=black]like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the [/COLOR][COLOR=black]bathroom cabinet.'[/COLOR][COLOR=black]No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, [/COLOR][COLOR=black]In the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells [/COLOR][COLOR=black]honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel [/COLOR][COLOR=black]mechanism.[/COLOR][COLOR=black]'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR=black]When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically [/COLOR][COLOR=black]positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to [/COLOR][COLOR=black]sit down next to her.[/COLOR][COLOR=black]'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've [/COLOR][COLOR=black]been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm [/COLOR][COLOR=black]sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR=black]She stares into his eyes . [/COLOR][COLOR=black]He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...................[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=2][FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR=black]'Fvck me, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]
#6
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=sienna]A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. [/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=sienna]There was only one problem: the Captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. [/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=sienna]Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the Show." Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" [/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=sienna]The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. [/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=sienna]It was, after all, the Captain's parrot. [/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=sienna]Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it ........ the parrot. [/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=sienna]They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day..... [/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=sienna]and then 2 days... [/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=sienna]then 3 days... [/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=sienna]Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said "OK, I give up. Where's the f***ing ship[/COLOR][/FONT]

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