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joke thread

kamy187 Avatar
7y, 3d agoPosted 7 years, 3 days ago
any body got any exciting jokes they want to share, bored yet again, thankyou in advance
kamy187 Avatar
7y, 3d agoPosted 7 years, 3 days ago
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#1
Whats got 2 legs and bleeds?








...half a cat
#2
a man walks into a bar....



....he says 'ouch'
#3
radishnet
a man walks into a bar....



....he says 'ouch'


lol
#4
horse walks into bar
barman asks "why the long face?"
#5
Paddy English man, Paddy Irish man and Paddy Scottish man were all sitting down for lunch after a hard hour of work. They all took out there lunches and screamed.

Paddy English man said "If my wife gives me ham sandwiches again, I'm gona kill myself". And so did Paddy Scottish man and Paddy Irish man.

The next day it came to lunch time and three bodies were found at the site. The three Paddies wives were called in and had the situation explained to them.

Paddy English mans wife said "If he had only told me, i would have changed the sandwich!". Paddy Scottish's wife said the same, but Paddy Irish mans wife said "I don't know what the problem was, he made his own sandwiches!"
#6
2 blondes walk into a building, you would've thought 1 of them would've missed
#7
Giraffe walks into a bar and says: "The highballs are on me."
#8
Blonde walks into a pizza bar and says "can i order a pizza please" guy replies "would you like me to cut it into six slices or 12", she says "six i'll never eat 12"
#9
When Bernard Manning died he met St Peter who told him he'd upset so many people during his life that he was condemned to eternal misery in hell.


So he goes down to hell and is welcomed by the devil and shown into a room where there is a gorgeous woman lying naked on a bed.


The devil introduces her as Delilah, the one who cut off Samson's hair and tells Bernard Manning that he has to make love to her for eternity.


Manning is confused and asks how that can be called eternal misery.


It will be for Delilah, says the devil.
#10
Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "why the long face?"
#11
man donates blood 2 his wife after she is hurt in a car accident, few months later they go through a nasty divorce and he demands his blood back, she throws a used tampax in his face and says "there you go you @@@@!... i.ll pay you monthly!
1 Like #12
chezz2
horse walks into bar
barman asks "why the long face?"


kjbenja
Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "why the long face?"


of all the jokes in the world................................................:whistling:
#13
wulshaz
man donates blood 2 his wife after she is hurt in a car accident, few months later they go through a nasty divorce and he demands his blood back, she throws a used tampax in his face and says "there you go you @@@@!... i.ll pay you monthly!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA never heard that one before :w00t::w00t: just brilliant!!!!!!!
#14
wulshaz
man donates blood 2 his wife after she is hurt in a car accident, few months later they go through a nasty divorce and he demands his blood back, she throws a used tampax in his face and says "there you go you @@@@!... i.ll pay you monthly!


i just threw up a little in my mouth
#15
bossyboots
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA never heard that one before :w00t::w00t: just brilliant!!!!!!!

lol men!!! :w00t:
#16
why did 687?



...cos 789.
#17
why did Lt. Uhura?





...cos William Shatner
#18
radishnet
why did 687?



...cos 789.

lol i did laugh at this when my 8 year old told me! :-D
#19
What's the difference between a sheep and a Mondeo?













It's more embarrassing being spotted getting out the back of a Mondeo.
#20
One of my favourite jokes ever:

On holiday in France, a man gets into conversation with a French man at a bar who speaks English.

"One thing I have always wondered," says the English man. "I have often heard the French expression 'savoir faire'. Please can you explain what it means?"

"Of course, monsieur," replies the French man, "It is easiest if I give an example.

"Suppose I come home from work unexpectedly. I go quietly into the bedroom and find my wife making frantic love with my best friend. Do I throw a scene? No. Being a mature French man, I say, 'Sorry to interrupt - please continue," and I leave the room. That, monsieur, is savoir faire."


Another French man leans over. "Pardonnez-moi, monsieur. I could not help overhearing. I do not think you have explained this adequately to our English friend.
"OK, I come home from work, I find my wife making passionate love to my best friend.
"I say, 'Sorry to interrupt - please continue.' And they do. Now that, monsieur, is savoir faire . . . "
#21
Bloke is walking along and a man passes him in jeans and t-shirt with his girlfriend up on his shoulders.

The bloke asks the man "what you up to?"

The man replies "I'm off to a fancy dress party"

The bloke says " what the heck are you going as?"

The man replies "I'm going as a tortoise"




"I'm the body and this is Michelle" (me shell)

LMAO :)
#22
:lazy:
#23
Why do Morris dancers wear bells on their trousers?










So they can get on the nerves of blind people too.
#24
Three men are in the maternity waiting room. An English man, a Welsh man and an African man.

The nurse comes through and says "congratulations, you're all proud fathers! There's been a mix up though and we don't know which baby belongs to who... Could you come and identify them"?

The men go into the room and the English man runs up to the African baby, grabs him and shouts "THIS IS MY SON"!

The nurse asks him how he can be sure and the English man says "I'm not sure, but one of these little s0ds is Welsh and I'm not taking any chances".
#25
Two friends are going to a fancy dress party, one arrives at the other's door and when he opens it, finds his friend is wearing just his pants.
The friend asks what he's dressed as and the man says "I'm going as a premature ejaculation". The friend says "oh my God! I can't say that"! So the man says "alright, tell them I've just come in my pants".
#26
At the same fancy dress party a woman is standing with £20 in one ear and £30 in the other ear.
The host asks his wife, "What's she come as?"
Wife answers, "A rent defaulter - she's £50 in arrears."
#27
cannyscot
At the same fancy dress party a woman is standing with £20 in one ear and £30 in the other ear.
The host asks his wife, "What's she come as?"
Wife answers, "A rent defaulter - she's £50 in arrears."


oh god :-(

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