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Joke thread

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I thought give a joke thread a try. Count to a million is still going. Rules: 1) Only allowed to post with a joke 2) Joke MUST be CLEAN without any insults to anyone on the forums 3) If more …
h4x3r Avatar
banned9y, 8m agoPosted 9 years, 8 months ago
I thought give a joke thread a try. Count to a million is still going.

Rules:
1) Only allowed to post with a joke
2) Joke MUST be CLEAN without any insults to anyone on the forums
3) If more then one joke is posted per post you must leave a clear gap showing its second joke
4) Jokes CANNOT under no circumstances violate HotUkDeals.com forum rules


Joke 1) - This is an very old joke heard in high school
Name: Computer Diagnostics's

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Joke 1 END
h4x3r Avatar
banned9y, 8m agoPosted 9 years, 8 months ago
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(31) Jump to unreadPost a comment
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#1
JOKE 2

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


END OF JOKE 2
#2
Man walks into a bar -- ouch

2men walk into a bar -- you'd think the second man would have noticed
#3
Joke 6

A man walks up to a horse and says '' why the long face''?
#4
this is old (but totally harmless and PC)..


what swings thougn the trees and is sticky















Marzipan :)
#5
Do u mean tarzipan?


oops sorry broke rule number 1
#6
whats brown and sticky

a stick
#7
yep. apologies - booze got a hold of the keyboard :oops:
#8
finicky
Joke 3!

Pat and Seamus were walking the streets of Kilburn when they see a sign: TREE FELLERS WANTED.

Pat said it's a shame Mick wasn't here, we could have applied for that.


You just broke your own rule number 2.
#9
JOKE 9

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink Fluff.

What's blue and fluffy?


...


...


...


Pink Fluff holding its breath.
#10
What do you call a deer with no eyes ?


no idea
#11
George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze. George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get ****-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "****! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who **** in my pants."
#12
Joke 11

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To show his girlfriend he had guts! LMAO

:w00t:

END OF JOKE 11
banned#13
Joke 12 starts...

How do you destroy the atmosphere of a joke thread before it's even started?

Post a load of rules in bold at the beginning.

Joke 12 ends.
#14
2 Monkeys are in the bath. one says "OOH OOH OOH! AHH AHH AHH!"

The other says "Should I put some cold water in?"
banned#15
what do u call a man with paper under pants?

russell! :)
banned#16
Feel free to create an account on a joke website Ive recently set up and post your best jokes! Just enter an email account and password. Needless to say, your address is just for security and will not be given to anyone.
banned#17
why did the girl walk into her bedroom with a pencil?


She wanted to draw the curtains!
[helper]#18
What marriage is about !

An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
he unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table, He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to
eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered..............







"THE TEETH."
#19
[Joke 17]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache

[/Joke 17]
banned#20
What´s orange and sounds like a parrot?




A carrot....
#21
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last £500 and goes to Las Vegas.

Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?"

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."
#22
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion."

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie".

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
#23
stora
You just broke your own rule number 2.


I've deleted it now. You may want to delete the quote you used since it contains the offensive joke. My apologies
#24
[COLOR="Red"]Children in the dark result in accidents, accidents in the dark result in children
[/COLOR]


[COLOR="RoyalBlue"]
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.[/COLOR]




[COLOR="Red"]Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before[/COLOR]




[COLOR="RoyalBlue"]
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."[/COLOR]
#25
A frog goes into a bank, hops up to the loan officer and asks,
"Hi, what's your name?"
The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"
The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form.
He says, "Okay, what's your name?"
The frog says, "Kermit Jagger."
The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"
The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."
The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do you have any collateral?"
The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and asks, "Will this do?"
The loan officer says, "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."
The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me."
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not even sure what it is."
The manager says, "It's a knick-knack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
#26
a man and his dog are sitting in a pub next to a fire and another man walks up and strokes the dog and says ' what a nice dog can he do any tricks?'

the other man says 'well actually yes... hes a blacksmith'

'what??' says the other man

'oh yes watch' so he picks up a red hot poker fromt he fire and sticks it up the dogs bum

'see' he said 'he just maid a BOLT of the DOOR'
#27
draconian
a man and his dog are sitting in a pub next to a fire and another man walks up and strokes the dog and says ' what a nice dog can he do any tricks?'

the other man says 'well actually yes... hes a blacksmith'

'what??' says the other man

'oh yes watch' so he picks up a red hot poker fromt he fire and sticks it up the dogs bum

'see' he said 'he just maid a BOLT of the DOOR'



Punchline would have been better if it read bolt for the door.
#28
bum soz i was in a rush but bored at the same time so yeah lol
#29
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go
to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred to him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your
ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my bum is firm
and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that
the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'
#30
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
#31
.bump

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