Joke thread, add yours here (if they are funnier than mine) - HotUKDeals
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Joke thread, add yours here (if they are funnier than mine)

skusey Avatar
8y, 3m agoPosted 8 years, 3 months ago
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."
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skusey Avatar
8y, 3m agoPosted 8 years, 3 months ago
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1 Like #1
guy goes into a petrol station goes to the girl behind the counter "kitkat chunnky" so shes brings him a kitkat chunky and he says "No, i want a normal Kitkat you fat bitch"

well i love it
#2
benhorne12
guy goes into a petrol station goes to the girl behind the counter "kitkat chunnky" so shes brings him a kitkat chunky and he says "No, i want a normal Kitkat you fat bitch"

well i love it


oh dear:whistling:
#3
benhorne12
guy goes into a petrol station goes to the girl behind the counter "kitkat chunnky" so shes brings him a kitkat chunky and he says "No, i want a normal Kitkat you fat bitch"

well i love it


best so far:thumbsup:
#4
skusey
oh dear:whistling:


come on you laughed:p:-D:p
#5
andy108uk
best so far:thumbsup:


ahhh see someone appreciates my work:p
#6
What do you call a man with a computer network on his head...

Alan.


doesnt beat the chunky joke though.
1 Like #7
http://s.bebo.com/img/vid.gifTwo old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in
Los Angeles one day.

Sid asks Al, 'Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?'

Al replies, 'I don't know, let's ask our waiter.'
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?'

The waiter says, 'I don't know senor, I ask the cooks' He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, 'No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.'

Al isn't satisfied and asks, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos' replies, 'I check once again, Senor!' and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, 'I find it hard to believe that
there are n o Jews in Mexico Our people are scattered everywhere.'

The waiter returns and says, 'Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.'

'Are you certain?' Al asks again. 'I just can't believe there are no
Mexican Jews!'

'SENOR, I ask EVERYONE,' replies the exasperated waiter, ' All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.'
1 Like #8
http://s.bebo.com/img/vid.gifA man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
> "I'll have the same", says the ostrich.
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
> The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
> For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
> "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
> "Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
> Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
> The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
> How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
> "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
> The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
> The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big **** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
#9
Paddy and Murphy working on a building site. Paddy sasy to Murphy "I fancy a day off, I'm gonna pretend i'm mad". With that he climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB" while Murphy watches in amazement. Foreman sees this and shouts "Paddy get down, pack you tools and go home - your'e mad!" He does so and leaves the site. Murphy starts packing up too. "Where you going?" asks the foreman, "Well" says Murphy, I cant work in the flippin dark can I?

Made me laugh but still the KitKat one is better
1 Like #10
http://s.bebo.com/img/vid.gifThree women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
#11
benhorne12
ahhh see someone appreciates my work:p


cept its not ur wrk. :p
#12
I heard almost all these on the Rick Wakeman show on Planet Rock - great source for material:)
banned#13
benhorne12
guy goes into a petrol station goes to the girl behind the counter "kitkat chunnky" so shes brings him a kitkat chunky and he says "No, i want a normal Kitkat you fat bitch"

well i love it


That is quality.:-D
#14
jellybaby22
lol best joke I've heard in a while......gave u some rep x


THANKYOU

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