A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, Is something wrong?
To which she replied, There certainly is!
My stupid computer keeps saying, Youve got mail!
A young man has a great date planned with a hot chick, unfortunately hes also got a bad case of gas. Upon arriving at the girls house to pick her up, he meets the parents and waits for her in the living room while she finishes getting ready.
At this point his stomach is turning and hes doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff too, beer and beef burrito farts - the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot, the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He figures its safe to let out alittle bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices theyll think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, Spot, get down from there. The guy thinks to himself, Thank God! They think the dog did it. Seizing the opportunity, he lets out another fart and the woman, again, yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a few more farts when, finally, the woman yells loudly, Dammit Spot, get down before he s***s on you!
A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks Howd you end up with a peg-leg?
I was swept overboard during a fierce storm, says the pirate. and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!
Holy cow! said the sailor. What about the hook, howd you get that?
Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!
Absolutely incredible! gasped the sailor. And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?
A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye, replied the pirate.
Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping? asked the sailor, admonished.
Embarassed, the pirate answered It was me first day with the hook.