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JOKES...

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HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST Read More
junkenstein73 Avatar
7y, 2m agoPosted 7 years, 2 months ago
HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST
junkenstein73 Avatar
7y, 2m agoPosted 7 years, 2 months ago
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(34) Jump to unreadPost a comment
Comments/page:
#1
Whats invisible and smells of banana?..................................






Monkey Fart!
#2
adison
Whats invisible and smells of banana?..................................






Monkey Fart!



LOL, NOT BAD:-D
#3
Q. How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. To get to the other side :-D
#5
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"


Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
#6
A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the randy doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked the woman.
"Yes," she said, "You're getting syphilis -- which is why I came here in the first place!!"
1 Like #7
A blonde gets a job as a teacher

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids
are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to
speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the goal keeper"
suspended#8
After 10 years of a couple having sex in the dark the wife finds the courage to turn on the light and to her amazement finds her husband had been using a substitue the whole time.

"wtf, how do you explain this Gerald?"

"wtf Diane.... explain the kids"
#9
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually '
:w00t:
#10
what do you call an old man driving?



Antique roadshow

ps loved the aristocrats joke :p
#11
A food inspector visits a bakery and catches Paddy using his false teeth to put the decorative edge on the apple pies. 'Have you not got a tool to do that with' roars the inspector. 'Yes, but I use that when I'm doing the doughnuts' replies Paddy.



Wife says to her husband 'Do you like my sexy new stockings, they're fisnets?'. The husband replies 'You better reel them in, it smells like you've caught something'
#12
LOOL Keep em coming
#13
Arsenal 0 - 0 Manchester City :lol:
#14
How do you leave an idiot in suspense?



























































































































































































































































































































Was that long enough?
#15
whatsThePoint
Why didn't you say you wanted old jokes in the first place :?


I didnt ask in the first place. :whistling:
#16
whatsThePoint
why didn't you check to see who posted the jokes wanted :oops:


:-D
banned#17
zenben10
How do you leave an idiot in suspense?





Was that long enough?


Yawn, waste of space :lazy:
#18
micoo
ach well at least we can have a laugh while were there :lol:


:w00t:
[mod]#19
Ok, keep it clean; no swearing or avoiding swear filter and absolutley no more racist jokes
I have deleted them
Any more and the ban hamster will be out in full force and this thread will be spammed
The Jew joke was espcially sick and you should be ashamed to even think that was funny
Seriously annoyed with some of you
#20
[COLOR="Red"]What's a "joke"?


Edit: just googled 'joke' and apparently it's a slang term for a 'jake'.


Jakes on OP.[/COLOR]
banned#21
The JFK
[COLOR="Red"]What's a "joke"?


Edit: just googled 'joke' and apparently it's a slang term for a 'jake'.


Jakes on OP.[/COLOR]


Worst joke of the thread goes to....
#22
ryman1000
Worst joke of the thread goes to....


[COLOR="Red"]Jakes on ryman.

YOU DON'T KNOW.[/COLOR]
banned#23
andywedge
Ok, keep it clean; no swearing or avoiding swear filter and absolutley no more racist jokes
I have deleted them
Any more and the ban hamster will be out in full force and this thread will be spammed
The Jew joke was espcially sick and you should be ashamed to even think that was funny
Seriously annoyed with some of you


Genuine question - is putting a * avoiding the swear filter ?
#24
ryman1000
Genuine question - is putting a * avoiding the swear filter ?


[COLOR="Red"]Yes. :)[/COLOR]
banned#25
The JFK
[COLOR="Red"]Jakes on ryman.

YOU DON'T KNOW.[/COLOR]


I'm lost :?
banned#26
The JFK
[COLOR="Red"]Yes. :)[/COLOR]


I'll rephrase my joke that you all missed then

A man comes home to his wife with a duck under his arm and says this is the pig i've been duck..../ with (:whistling:). She says, 'thats a duck though'. He replies ' I wasn't talking to you'.
#27
ryman1000
I'm lost :?


[COLOR="Red"]You got jake'd up.[/COLOR]
banned#28
dcx_badass
If you star the whole word it is ok, but not starring selected letters.


Can you not keep the first letter ?
#29
ryman1000
Can you not keep the first letter ?


[COLOR="Red"]No.[/COLOR]
banned#30
The JFK
[COLOR="Red"]No.[/COLOR]


dcx_badass
Try it.


:roll: If you can't, tis a stupid rule
#31
ryman1000
Genuine question - is putting a * avoiding the swear filter ?


Apparently so - I didn't know that. Feel like I should be standing in the corner now :oops:
#32
:thumbsup:
#33
[COLOR="Purple"]A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful
all at the same time.'

The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would
be attracted to you! [/COLOR]
#34
Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us..

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

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