Jokes/one liners and chat ups. - HotUKDeals
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Jokes/one liners and chat ups.

D_G Avatar
banned5y, 10m agoPosted 5 years, 10 months ago
I don't care how bad they are I'm easily amused. share
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D_G Avatar
banned5y, 10m agoPosted 5 years, 10 months ago
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1 Like #1
You're ugly. I'm desperate. Lets go!

Works every time.
#2
Knock ! Knock !
banned 3 Likes #3
I went into asda the other day and caught a guy shoving milk up his jacket, I thought how dairy!

Then I went to asda, as I walked in I was hit on the head with a block of cheese, hmmm very mature.

I went to staples the other day, bought a litre of tipex. Big mistake.

Edited By: DangerGod on Jan 11, 2011 20:20
#4
dontasciime
Knock ! Knock !


why dont you use the bell?
banned#5
dontasciime
Knock ! Knock !


Who's there?
2 Likes #6
I have OC/DC. It's just like OCD except it effin rocks. :)
banned#7
mr.potato_head
You're ugly. I'm desperate. Lets go!

Works every time.


Lol or...

Scuse me love, how much does a polar bear weigh?
" I dunno" .. Me either, but it broke the ice.
banned 1 Like #8
Hello darling, have a feel of this shirt. Feel like boyfriend material?
#9
DangerGod
Hello darling, have a feel of this shirt. Feel like boyfriend material?


grooooaaan

i guess that was the aim ;)
3 Likes #10
My friends racing snail had been losing a lot of races recently.

I suggested removing his shell to make him more streamlined and quicker.

It didn't work. In fact it made him more sluggish. :p
#11
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
banned#12
michelleleemoo
DangerGod
Hello darling, have a feel of this shirt. Feel like boyfriend material?


grooooaaan

i guess that was the aim ;)


Of course ;)
#13
Are you osama bin ladens daughter cuz u is da bomb.
5 Likes #14
If i was to ask you for sex , would your answer be the same as your answer to this question ?
banned 1 Like #15
nikkib123
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?


Haha!

" excuse me love did you fall from heaven? *smiles* no why?
Looks like you landed on your face
#16
Is your name Gillette? Cos you're the best a man can get.
1 Like #17
Kate Middleton asks the Queen the secret of a successful marriage.

The Queen says "Wear a seatbelt and don't **** me off"
1 Like #18
I was in Asda the other day and this bloke legs it past me with a joint of beef under his arm. 'Hey, what are you doing with that' shouted the security guard as the thief ran straight past him. 'Peas, carrots and roast potatoes you noser bleeder' replied the thief.
1 Like #19
2 Snowmen in the garden,1 Snowman says to the other (sniff-sniff).....Can you smell carrots.

2 Fly's sitting on a dog poo,1 Fly farts & the other Fly says ...Hey do you mind I'm eating.
banned 1 Like #20
Apparently a lot of sniffer dogs are vanishing into thin air.

Police say they have several leads...  
banned#21
My Grandad has had the same routine for years now. Walk the dog 10.30 at night and toilet 7.30 in the morning. He doesn't wake up until 8
#22
Excuse me, do you have the time? I'm going to do you so hard, you little minx! Sorry I have Tourette's....hold me?
#23
You'll do.
banned#24
lol like the snowman one.

Nikki are you telling these from experience? Lol
#25
Do you know theresa green?
#26
farhadmaster
Do you know theresa green?

Yea she's a good friend of mine :)
2 Likes #27
A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

"Clever, my ass," the guy responds, "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"

The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."

The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!"

The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."
#28
:\ you know trees are green.
livingthelife07
farhadmaster
Do you know theresa green?

Yea she's a good friend of mine :)
#29
Reports of a large hole in the wall of the local nudist camp are coming in.

The police are looking into it.
#30
farhadmaster
:\ you know trees are green.
livingthelife07
farhadmaster
Do you know theresa green?

Yea she's a good friend of mine :)

Yes I know that trees are green, I also know a Theresa Green ;)
#31
I don't want to criticise the postal service but I've only just received a Christmas card from my mum.

She's been dead five years.
1 Like #32
I may only have 6 inches, but most girls dont like it that wide
2 Likes #33
Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A: We need some support or otherwise people might think were nuts!
banned 1 Like #34
ilovepink
I don't want to criticise the postal service but I've only just received a Christmas card from my mum.

She's been dead five years.

http://www.hotukdeals.com/misc/royal-mail-delivery-problems/849741/#post10352155

Haha
#35
Love is when....................... there is no "wrong hole."
#36
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
#37
Apparently all tennis players are witches. Goran... even he's a witch.
#38
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?


Get in the car Robin.
#39
Have you seen how expensive funerals are nowadays?

Just before I die, I'm going to change my name to 'OFF'. That way, when the hearse is driving to the church, it will have displayed on top of my coffin in flowers:

R.I.P. OFF
#40
Q: What did the **** say to the condom?
A: Cover me I'm going in!

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