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Managing finances as a couple?

MissBehave Avatar
suspended6y, 1m agoPosted 6 years, 1 month ago
How do you work things out. Am stuck in a rut arguing about this.
My husband has started a full time job, is working 7 days a week. I am pregnant & look after our 15 month old every day so I am unable to work. I suggested that we pay the bills, food, rent etc then whatever is left, we split. Other wise he spends the lot on his son from a previous relationship & his very expensive hobby while I get nothing!
I have 3 kids, one with him so why should I not be able to have a bit in bank too, say if they need new shoes or I want to take them to the cinema like he does with his other son?
I really don't feel like I am asking the earth & if he is part of this family he should act like it?
MissBehave Avatar
suspended6y, 1m agoPosted 6 years, 1 month ago
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#1
i would be happy with a 50-50 split with my OH lol, Seriously though your chap really needs to take a reality check.

Edited By: Unhinged on Nov 05, 2010 10:07: .
4 Likes #2
There are other options to earn money while you've got a child at home - Avon, mystery shopping etc. If you wanted to work as well i'm sure you could, or why not get a full time job yourself and pay for a nursery? Then you can have some money for yourself.
#3
It sounds like you have seperate bank accounts - have you discussed having a joint account so that you both have equal access to it . Bit of a tricky one tbf, did you split the money fairly before he started working or is this a recent 'issue' ?
#4
to be fair he works its his money,both my husband and i managed to work while i had a little boy and was pregnant, he worked days i worked evenings so didnt even need to put our son into childcare.
You cant really expect your husband to feed and cloth your other kids (who i presume are from your prev relationship(s)).

My husband and I have a joint bank account, if i need something i go out and buy it, he does the same. we both have a regular income from us both working though so are a bit diffrent to your situation
#5
What are his reasons for not agreeing with you on this split? When we were first living together (before we were married) we had a joint account, and separate accounts too. We each put the same amount into the joint account, and all bills were paid from there. You can't do this if you're not working... I would suggest (and this is a last resort if he really refuses to split the money) that you open your own account and tell him everytime he splashes out on his stuff (kids/hobbies etc) that you intend to withdraw a similar amount and keep it aside for when you want to spoil your kids or yourself.

Me and my hubby only have joint accounts now, but there are no other children or baggage to contend with. I did worry that when I gave up work (to have the babies) that I would feel odd not earning money and still wanting to spend it on things for me (like designer specs, not cheapo ones). We had a big discussion and came to the conclusion that he was out working to earn the money, my job was to raise the children and make sure that money went as far as it could. If I wanted the expensive glasses then I had to be sure we could afford them without anything else being sacrificed. I'm not sure how I'd feel if he started telling me I wasn't working so I couldn't spend it. I guess a divorce would be brewing!!!!
9 Likes #6
nono2522
to be fair he works its his money,both my husband and i managed to work while i had a little boy and was pregnant, he worked days i worked evenings so didnt even need to put our son into childcare.
You cant really expect your husband to feed and cloth your other kids (who i presume are from your prev relationship(s)).

My husband and I have a joint bank account, if i need something i go out and buy it, he does the same. we both have a regular income from us both working though so are a bit diffrent to your situation


is that for real, isn't that what being married is all about?



Edited By: greg_68 on Nov 05, 2010 10:22: .
#7
m18gfc
There are other options to earn money while you've got a child at home - Avon, mystery shopping etc. If you wanted to work as well i'm sure you could, or why not get a full time job yourself and pay for a nursery? Then you can have some money for yourself.

She is pregnant, and why shouldn't her partner share with her and keep it all to himself? oO
#8
I really sympathise with you and know exactly where you're coming from. Me and my partner each have kids from marriage before and 2 between us and its causes a lot of problems , not just with money. I do think you should have some of your own money though. I actually work part time from home so do have some money but my OH actually gives me money at the beginning of each month just for me to have in my purse and to get things as I need, for me of the kids or the house or whatever. Why not even ask if you can keep the child benefit so it can pay for the kids stuff? Even though you're not working it doesn't mean you're not entitled to have your own cash - looking after kids is a full time job and then some. Good luck - hope it works out for you x
#9
That's a good point about the child benefit - where does this get paid into?
#10
nono2522
to be fair he works its his money,both my husband and i managed to work while i had a little boy and was pregnant, he worked days i worked evenings so didnt even need to put our son into childcare.
You cant really expect your husband to feed and cloth your other kids (who i presume are from your prev relationship(s)).




My husband and I have a joint bank account, if i need something i go out and buy it, he does the same. we both have a regular income from us both working though so are a bit diffrent to your situation


Personally if he has a family to support - they should be provided for - surely the fact that the other children are from a previous relationship is irrelevant - I would imagine he knew this before they were married. :|

Edited By: fungimala on Nov 05, 2010 10:24: ....
1 Like #11
I'm waiting for the 'why are you having a 4th child if you can't afford it' post.
#12
My boyfriend earns more than me, but he's currently paying half a mortgage for the house he doesn't live in (his wife has it!!!) and a messy divorce which eats up around £700 a month, plus £500 for our flat and £400 on a car so I always have more than him!! However, if he does have money left over, he always treats me, and when the divorce is finished, he's going to pay more rent/bills than me (his decision not mine)!! Your husband needs to get a grip! He wanted a child with you and if you can't work for whatever the reason, he needs to support you! Yes he should spend time/money with his other son, but he also has to think about your situation!! Men are so selfish sometimes!!
#13
greg_68
I'm waiting for the 'why are you having a 4th child if you can't afford it' post.


I guess it's too early for the trolls! :)
banned 3 Likes #14
joint account FTW.


your family situation seems a little complex though, I'd sit him down and let him know how you feel.

ps. doesn't the father of your other children pay maintenance? if not then maybe you should get that from him?
#15
greg_68
nono2522
to be fair he works its his money,both my husband and i managed to work while i had a little boy and was pregnant, he worked days i worked evenings so didnt even need to put our son into childcare.
You cant really expect your husband to feed and cloth your other kids (who i presume are from your prev relationship(s)).

My husband and I have a joint bank account, if i need something i go out and buy it, he does the same. we both have a regular income from us both working though so are a bit diffrent to your situation


is that for real, isn't that what being married is all about?




Erm no! She should be receieving maintenance from the kids Dads for help with the things they need. Of course he can buy them things, but he shouldnt be expected to.. My husband doesnt expect me to buy his son from a previous relationship everything he needs. I do buy him alot, but thats my choice.
1 Like #16
nono2522
greg_68
nono2522
to be fair he works its his money,both my husband and i managed to work while i had a little boy and was pregnant, he worked days i worked evenings so didnt even need to put our son into childcare. You cant really expect your husband to feed and cloth your other kids (who i presume are from your prev relationship(s)).My husband and I have a joint bank account, if i need something i go out and buy it, he does the same. we both have a regular income from us both working though so are a bit diffrent to your situation
is that for real, isn't that what being married is all about?
Erm no! She should be receieving maintenance from the kids Dads for help with the things they need. Of course he can buy them things, but he shouldnt be expected to.. My husband doesnt expect me to buy his son from a previous relationship everything he needs. I do buy him alot, but thats my choice.

I don't know the OP's situation but a fair few Fathers get away with paying zilch.
#17
Just a question. Is your ex about? What, if anything does he do to contribute to his children?
MAYBE this is at the root of some of the problems.
banned#18
jellybaby22
deb8z
nono2522
greg_68
nono2522
to be fair he works its his money,both my husband and i managed to work while i had a little boy and was pregnant, he worked days i worked evenings so didnt even need to put our son into childcare. You cant really expect your husband to feed and cloth your other kids (who i presume are from your prev relationship(s)).My husband and I have a joint bank account, if i need something i go out and buy it, he does the same. we both have a regular income from us both working though so are a bit diffrent to your situation
is that for real, isn't that what being married is all about?
Erm no! She should be receieving maintenance from the kids Dads for help with the things they need. Of course he can buy them things, but he shouldnt be expected to.. My husband doesnt expect me to buy his son from a previous relationship everything he needs. I do buy him alot, but thats my choice.


I don't know the OP's situation but a fair few Fathers get away with paying zilch.


hmmm exactly.... like my ex :( however..Im assuming her OH knew about the kids from her previous relationships before they got together...if he didnt want that responsibility he should have thought about that then.......

I must be lucky that my OH sees my eldest as his own and happily pays for her......


isn't it a legal requirement to pay it?
#19
Does he contribute much to the child you both have or is he concentrating on his one?

I am assuming you have one child, he has one child, you both have one and are both having another one?
#20
As someone mentioned above,what happens with the child benefit,do you get any form of tax credits OP,if not,might be worth checking if you're entitled to any.
#21
bykergrove
jellybaby22
deb8z
nono2522
greg_68
nono2522
to be fair he works its his money,both my husband and i managed to work while i had a little boy and was pregnant, he worked days i worked evenings so didnt even need to put our son into childcare. You cant really expect your husband to feed and cloth your other kids (who i presume are from your prev relationship(s)).My husband and I have a joint bank account, if i need something i go out and buy it, he does the same. we both have a regular income from us both working though so are a bit diffrent to your situation
is that for real, isn't that what being married is all about?
Erm no! She should be receieving maintenance from the kids Dads for help with the things they need. Of course he can buy them things, but he shouldnt be expected to.. My husband doesnt expect me to buy his son from a previous relationship everything he needs. I do buy him alot, but thats my choice.
I don't know the OP's situation but a fair few Fathers get away with paying zilch.
hmmm exactly.... like my ex :( however..Im assuming her OH knew about the kids from her previous relationships before they got together...if he didnt want that responsibility he should have thought about that then....... I must be lucky that my OH sees my eldest as his own and happily pays for her......
isn't it a legal requirement to pay it?

[email protected] requirement,the CSA are hopeless in a lot of cases,they chase the Fathers and get nothing.
#22
I think of my stepson as my own aswell, I treat him as i do my own son, and if im buying my son something i get him too. He doesnt live with us but spends his weekends with us so slightly diffrent.

Point im trying to get accross is that her husband should be EXPECTED to look after her other kids.
#23
Bykergrove - You worry me ! Yes its a legal reqiurement to pay! but No, the law isn't enforced.
banned#24
so is the 15 month old not his?

also what is this expensive hobby he has? (this bit is me just being nosey)
#25
nono2522
I think of my stepson as my own aswell, I treat him as i do my own son, and if im buying my son something i get him too. He doesnt live with us but spends his weekends with us so slightly diffrent. Point im trying to get accross is that her husband should be EXPECTED to look after her other kids.

From the opening post i don't read it as she EXPECTS her husband to do that.
banned#26
fungimala
Bykergrove - You worry me ! Yes its a legal reqiurement to pay! but No, the law isn't enforced.


why? sorry but I don't know anyone in this situation personally so i don't know how it works. Which is why i'm asking questions.

Also, my degree was not in Law.

Edited By: bykergrove on Nov 05, 2010 10:35: .
#27
fungimala
Bykergrove - You worry me ! Yes its a legal reqiurement to pay! but No, the law isn't enforced.

He's naive ;)
#28
deb8z
nono2522
I think of my stepson as my own aswell, I treat him as i do my own son, and if im buying my son something i get him too. He doesnt live with us but spends his weekends with us so slightly diffrent. Point im trying to get accross is that her husband should be EXPECTED to look after her other kids.


From the opening post i don't read it as she EXPECTS her husband to do that.


"I have 3 kids, one with him so why should I not be able to have a bit in bank too, say if they need new shoes or I want to take them to the cinema like he does with his other son?"

Maybe i read it wrong ?

he treats his other son as he earns his own money
1 Like #29
should defo be 50/50

it is in our house, after bills and usual outgoings whatever is left is spent on what we want/need as a family unit, whether it be days out, treats etc etc
1 Like #30
I think the replies in this thread show that there isn't a 'one size fits all' solution.

The only thing I know is that arguing about it ( as per your OP, MissBehave) is corrosive, so you pretty much have to work something out together.

We have always had a joint current account and joint everything really but that was from the word go with no 'complications'.
I'm sure it must be galling for you to have to ask for money for your kids' shoes. But I can also see that your hubby wouldn't want to give you what he thinks of as his money into a separate account just for you.

Which account does the child benefit/maintenance get paid into - could that be put into an account just for you, if that is what you might agree?

Good Luck and don't let this shred your relationship.
#31
deb8z
fungimala
Bykergrove - You worry me ! Yes its a legal reqiurement to pay! but No, the law isn't enforced.


He's naive ;)


oO Must be nearly brain-dead if he thinks absent fathers a 'made' to pay their dues - Does he have a pulse ??

Edited By: fungimala on Nov 05, 2010 10:38: sp..
3 Likes #32
When you both got together and you are a couple you do share, my guess is that you both shared monies or expenses before you became pregnant with the first one? I think that whilst you are carrying his child you are incapable of working (as in going out to work) as you look after his other child (I know they are both of yours!) But he should see that actually, if you werent pregnant you would work so he needs to tide you over until you are in that position to work again. If you end up bringing up more children together so be it, he needs to respect that you are doing your job and he should be doing his, that is to ensure that the household is taken care of and that you should have expenses too and not have to ask him for money, where is the equality in the relationship then? How you spend your money is up to you bearing in mind that you have the household and the children to think of and I mean all your children! He knew and took you on knowing you have other kids just as you did him. fairs fair!
banned#33
deb8z
fungimala
Bykergrove - You worry me ! Yes its a legal reqiurement to pay! but No, the law isn't enforced.


He's naive ;)


BRB let me just impregnate my ex so I can learn more about child maintenance.

idiot.
#34
jellybaby22
bykergrove
fungimala
Bykergrove - You worry me ! Yes its a legal reqiurement to pay! but No, the law isn't enforced.
why? sorry but I don't know anyone in this situation personally so i don't know how it works. Also, my degree was not in Law.
no one enforces it... I have filled out all the CSA forms...my ex claims he has no money (yet drives a brand new car..goes on holidays...etc etc )The CSA arent interested and as such he can get away with paying absolutely zero for his daughter ...

Yep,i know someone in the exact same position,their ex has property etc and maintains he has no money,he owes the CSA thousands upon thousands,ludicrous.
banned 1 Like #35
fungimala
deb8z
fungimala
Bykergrove - You worry me ! Yes its a legal reqiurement to pay! but No, the law isn't enforced.


He's naive ;)


oO Must be nearly brain-dead if he thinks absent fathers a 'made' to made their dues - Does he have a pulse ??


Are you stupid? Do you know everything about everything or do you only know about things you have chosen to learn or been forced to learn.

No wonder your partner left you.
banned 1 Like #36
jellybaby22
bykergrove
fungimala
Bykergrove - You worry me ! Yes its a legal reqiurement to pay! but No, the law isn't enforced.


why? sorry but I don't know anyone in this situation personally so i don't know how it works.

Also, my degree was not in Law.



no one enforces it... I have filled out all the CSA forms...my ex claims he has no money (yet drives a brand new car..goes on holidays...etc etc )

The CSA arent interested and as such he can get away with paying absolutely zero for his daughter ...


Thanks for the normal response.

It's a shame the CSA doesn't do more for children.
#37
I hope you weren't calling me an idiot because i said you were naive oO
#38
bykergrove
jellybaby22
bykergrove
fungimala
Bykergrove - You worry me ! Yes its a legal reqiurement to pay! but No, the law isn't enforced.


why? sorry but I don't know anyone in this situation personally so i don't know how it works.

Also, my degree was not in Law.




no one enforces it... I have filled out all the CSA forms...my ex claims he has no money (yet drives a brand new car..goes on holidays...etc etc )

The CSA arent interested and as such he can get away with paying absolutely zero for his daughter ...


Thanks for the normal response.

It's a shame the CSA doesn't do more for children.


I shall ignore your petty comments - However the CSA are reluctant to take any action against fathers who choose not to pay until the arrears are worth chasing.
They wont try to recover any amount 'owed' less than £10,000.
#39
Strong dummy spitting so far. Anyway, why would he marry you if he isnt willing to take on you and your family and become a whole new family together ? Sure there should be CSA coming from the other guy, but after that his money should be going on his 'family' else why did he get married? Sounds like he wasnt ready tbh.
4 Likes #40
Hobby needs to go or be cut back on.

Trying not to be judgemental but Kids and wife come fist.

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