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Mid - week laugh.

taasda Avatar
8y, 10m agoPosted 8 years, 10 months ago
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
Montecassino went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional,
The man said, "Father ... During World War II, a
Beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood
Knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
From the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you
Did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me
With sexual favours. This happened several times a week,
And sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves
In great danger. However, two people under those
Circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness
Of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your
Actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
But I do have one more question."

"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

......................

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .






Wait for it. .










It's coming. .







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."

.....................
It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking
5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know
where the hell she is!

.....................
Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst
part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the
trouble started.



......................
taasda Avatar
8y, 10m agoPosted 8 years, 10 months ago
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(21) Jump to unreadPost a comment
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#1
I rubbed spot cream in my dog today and nows he's gone
#2
Some excellent jokes :)

Now for my contribution...............

Woman is standing in front of the bedroom mirror, whilst her husband lies on the bed. She says that she is getting old, ugly and fat. After no response from her husband, she asks if he has anything nice to say about her.............. he replies "You obviously got damn good eyesight!"

Johnnypanic
#3
johnnypanic;1436166
Some excellent jokes :)

Now for my contribution...............

Woman is standing in front of the bedroom mirror, whilst her husband lies on the bed. She says that she is getting old, ugly and fat. After no response from her husband, she asks if he has anything nice to say about her.............. he replies "You obviously got damn good eyesight!"



Johnnypanic

another tog!!!!
#4
the only ones i have 2 tell are not appropriate for this forum lol, but here's one that is for the clever people in this forum.

what did one maths professor say to the other after a meal?




root of minus 1 over root 64
#5
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with
his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet. :whistling:
#6
A man in Liverpool is up in court for throwing a bottle of domestos over a clergyman. He being done for a bleach of the priest.
#7
Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Chirac!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!'

'Well, Paddy,' Chirac replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is our army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!'

Chirac paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Chirac asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Chirac sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we
last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

And sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well.'

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Chirac. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.'

..............................................................................................................................


Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for awhile, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.


In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and deciding that no harm can from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.


"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"
#8
kk_cheung

root of minus 1 over root 64


I over ate? Not really worth the hassle of working it out :giggle:
#9
biff
I over ate? Not really worth the hassle of working it out :giggle:


that took a while :whistling:
#10
elitom
that took a while :whistling:


Replied as soon as i seen it :p
#11
UNCLE TAASDA'S ADVICE COLUMN.

Dear taasda,:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more
than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad
passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the
back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her
unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,
and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and
kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back.

But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke
down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six
months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has
become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips
holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.


I hope this helps.
taasda
--------------------------------------------------------
#12
Stress Management
In case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works...
1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,"

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. Bubbles slowly float to the surface creating a gentle gurgling sound.

7. The water is crystal clear.


8. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
#13
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was damn lucky.

























http://i269.photobucket.com/albums/jj52/taasda/ATT00001.jpg
#14
WHY GOD INVENTED MENOPAUSE



With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."

Thirty minutes had passed and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again,"May we see the baby now?" "No," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."
#15
Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on
the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with £10 notes. He guesses
there must be thousands of pounds in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up
with the jar?"

Well, you pay £10 and if you pass three tests, you
get all the money.."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
"What are the three tests?"

Pay first, those are the rules." says the
bartender. So the man gives him the £10 and the bartender drops it into the
jar."OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:

First , You have to drink that entire gallon of
pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face
while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back
with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who
has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things
right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my £10, but I'm
not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon
of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money
stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then
a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"


He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it
with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't
make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is
chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy,
scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming,
the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody
scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the
sore tooth?"
#16
A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes", answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go then?", the man asks.
"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".
The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"
#17
taasda;1456601
A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes", answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go then?", the man asks.
"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".
The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"


that was terrible!
#18
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn`t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. the spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. a week passes and he received another parcel and note:

Dear sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monks habit. the long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

the man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup.

Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a toffee apple.
#19
taasda
A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes", answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go then?", the man asks.
"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".
The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"


Never heard of Double jeopardy?
#20
odriscoll
Never heard of Double jeopardy?


Yep - Cannot be tried for the "same" crime a second time.;-)
#21
'The Love Dress'

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then
immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law ly ing on the
couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled
the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Bill to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Bill loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the
lights, put on a romantic CD, la y on the couch waiting for her husband to
arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT

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