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my mother is a crazy drunk do i just stop going there?

edjaned Avatar
8y, 6m agoPosted 8 years, 6 months ago
my mum has always been a drunk but she has got worse over the years then 4 years ago i just had enough of her attention seeking ie calling me over saying she was commiting suicide etc i just didnt need it i had 3 kids at the time and was pregnant with my 4th her constant c**p wore me down and i evetually lost my baby boy at 22 weeks so i just stopped all contact with her and said i would only rebuild a relationship if she gave up the drink
through the years my grandmother who i think the world of has tried her best to get us to make friends but i wasnt having any of it

but then when i went into labour with zack 8 months ago my grandmother came over to look after my other children and my mother dropped her of since then i have started a relationship with her again,

but now i regret it she hasnt changed,her behaviour sickens me i feel bad as i have introduced 3 of my children to a drunk to be fair she doesnt always drink she goes on benders instead and drinks in the house for days

i just dont know what to do for the best she doesnt want help she is happy the way she is and if 4 years of us not talking to her and not seeing her grandkids isnt enough to make her change,what is?

anyone else been through this?
edjaned Avatar
8y, 6m agoPosted 8 years, 6 months ago
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#1
no don,t you should both seek help you could call me if you wanted to talk i will watch for a reply
#2
What a horrible situation to be in. I think you were probably better off when you didn't have contact. If your Mum is happy as she is then leave her to her own devices, people wont change unless they actually want to. I think you and your kids deserve more than that.
But saying that, I know that it's easier said than done.
#3
spiderman1
no don,t you should both seek help you could call me if you wanted to talk i will watch for a reply


what would u advise to do?
thanks for reply :)
#4
My mum's friend went through this, and my best friend mum was an alcoholic. Its a really tough situation to be in, but if your mum is happy the way she is then I guess she has made her choice and I guess you already know how stubborn and greatly in denial they can be.
If you find seeing her like this stressful, then it may be best just to keep some distance as it will wear you down again and end up making you ill.
I really feel for you, but your kids need you most. Alcoholics can be very unpredictable and Im guessing you wouldn't want your kids to be upset or confused by her erratic behaviour.
It's sad to say she has chosen alcohol above everything else, but until she gets clean of the drink completely there's nothing you can do.
Be there for your kids.
hopefully one day your mum will find the strength to leave the alcohol behind and then maybe have a relationship.
I know how this must get you down as I saw how much pain and embarrassment my friend went through everyday.
#5
Sheriff Waffles
My mum's friend went through this, and my best friend mum was an alcoholic. Its a really tough situation to be in, but if your mum is happy the way she is then I guess she has made her choice and I guess you already know how stubborn and greatly in denial they can be.
If you find seeing her like this stressful, then it may be best just to keep some distance as it will wear you down again and end up making you ill.
I really feel for you, but your kids need you most. Alcoholics can be very unpredictable and Im guessing you wouldn't want your kids to be upset or confused by her erratic behaviour.
It's sad to say she has chosen alcohol above everything else, but until she gets clean of the drink completely there's nothing you can do.
Be there for your kids.
hopefully one day your mum will find the strength to leave the alcohol behind and then maybe have a relationship.
I know how this must get you down as I saw how much pain and embarrassment my friend went through everyday.


That's what I was trying to say sherriffwaffles. You managed to put it much more eloquently than I did.:)
#6
Check-out al-anon :-
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

It is the premier body in the UK for helping family members effected by anothers drinking. It's a charity, it's free and it has a wealth of experience It should be your first port of call.
#7
It is best to bring her into contact with the children only when she is sober, otherwise the children might think it is normal or acceptable to behave like that.
You need the dialogue.
#8
Al-anon newcomer info:-
[url]www.al-anonuk.org.uk/alanon/newcomerInfo.asp[/url]
#9
im so ashamed of her,as some of u know it was my mates little girls funeral on monday and my mum came to the wake.everyone was having a drink (apart from me i dont drink) and when she asked for a vodka i just thought here we go again!
so i phoned up my sis later who was still at the wake to find out my mother had been talking vulgar,falling about everywhere and my mates (who know she is a drunk) all had to help her onto the sofa
later on she had fallen downstairs smashing annmaries radiator of the wall and hitting her head my sis was so worried she had to call an ambulance then when they arrived she had just told them to f-off,annmarie was upset so my dad came to collect my mum

sure enough she is on a bender again now talking crazy as usual she even had the nerve to turn up at annmaries today in her pjs looking 4 drink,my sis asked her to appoligise but my mum didnt think she has done anything wrong and shrugged it off

the thing is she is s**t faced and is getting paid from work for being on call
#10
sorry i didnt add that she only sees my kids when she is sober,i refuse to speak to her when she is drunk and i woulcnot put my kids through what we saw when we were younger

sometimes she will go days,other times weeks without a drink so its quite easy to fit around her drinking schedule lol
#11
gekkoa
Check-out al-anon :-
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

It is the premier body in the UK for helping family members effected by anothers drinking. It's a charity, it's free and it has a wealth of experience It should be your first port of call.


she has phoned these and has even been into the hospital but when she speaks to the docs etc she seems to twist things to be everyone elses fault,she will never take the blame for anything and she never appoligises

years ago as a child i remember her waking me in the night crying and pacing worried sick about what she had done the night b4 but that was over 20 years ago now she couldnt give a toss who she offends anymore :oops:
#12
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ is not for alcoholics (dont confuse it with alcoholics anonymous), it's for friends and relatives of alcoholics. I don't think you checked-out the link.
banned 1 Like #13
edjaned;2099790
she has phoned these and has even been into the hospital but when she speaks to the docs etc she seems to twist things to be everyone elses fault,she will never take the blame for anything and she never appoligises

years ago as a child i remember her waking me in the night crying and pacing worried sick about what she had done the night b4 but that was over 20 years ago now she couldnt give a toss who she offends anymore :oops:

How did funeral go? site's looking great seriously, donation is a doddle too!
#14
This sounds just like my first wife.

I was married to her for 10 years (she was not like that at first of course) but eventually she became a terrible drunk, ringing me and others up at all times of the day or night for no reason. Like your mother, she could be sober for a couple of days, then drink a whole bottle of vodka in an hour or so and go on a real bender.

We had 2 sons (now both in their late 20s) but she would phone them and say she had burglers, but when they got round there she said they had gone away. She was always crying wolf.

I divorced her about 20 years ago. I remember one night in my new house being woken at 2am by knocking on the door. She was drunk, and had driven to my house (about 20 miles) with 2 young children in the back of the car. I refused to open the door.

Eventually she drove everyone away and had no friends or close relatives.

Sadly she had put too much strain on her body with the drink and she died in her sleep about 5 years ago. She was only 52.

I am afraid there is almost nothing you can do for people like this. They seem to have an inability to cope with the world and seem to want to drink themselves to death.

Dont let her drag you down the same way.
#15
edjaned
she has phoned these and has even been into the hospital but when she speaks to the docs etc she seems to twist things to be everyone elses fault,she will never take the blame for anything and she never appoligises

years ago as a child i remember her waking me in the night crying and pacing worried sick about what she had done the night b4 but that was over 20 years ago now she couldnt give a toss who she offends anymore :oops:


Alcoholics sadly like to play games with peoples emotions, and become very manipulative in their ways.
Emotional blackmail and blame are the most common and that is what essentially starts to drag your emtions down. Most families of alcoholics will recognise most of what your sayin.
It sounds like she has accepted this as who she is.
Its probably best to keep the kids out, there may be a chance of you turning up one day and her being worst for wear! It is embarrasing, my friends mum used to be over friendly and then suddenly turn into a reckless potty mouthed fool, who took pleasure in insulting and swearing at her own kids in front of everyone.
They can turn on the drink and become nasty and abusive, then the folowing day either blame everyone else or burst into tears!
Its an emotinal and mental rollercoaster, have you got time for the rollercoaster with your kiddies?
It will stress you and make you ill for sure, you need to be a strong healthy mum for your kids. They need you so much, for love and guidance.
You could probably give some love and guidance to your mum but its likely to get thrown back in your face at some point!
Your mum has to get herself out of this one, not for you or anyone else, but for herself.
Your mum has to find the strength to leave the booze behind. You have to find the strength to keep some distance and let her make the decisions for herself, no amount of ranting or shaming will change anything. This is a journey your mum most go on by herself.
1 Like #16
Give her a copy of the film "Days of Wine and Roses" with Jack Lemmon.

This is a powerful study of alcohol abuse and the effect it has on partners, chlidren, work colleagues and relationships.

Maybe if she watches it she will see herself and maybe realise that she needs to change.

Of course she may not, but at least you can try.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055895/
#17
My mum was an alcoholic; she made her choice too - the booze over her 3 daughters and grandchildren. You have to walk away until she gets help for herself, otherwise you'll just end up so hurt that she won't change her ways for you. You'll hurt in any case, that they do choose the booze over you, but you have to try and come to terms with that in your own way. My heart goes out to you - good luck.
#18
Try and get her to go to an AA meeting. Maybe you could take her? She will hear stories and will probably hear a lot of herself in others experiences. She might "get it" "see the light" call it a moment of clarity, then and only then will she maybe see herself as an alcoholic. Once she does this,and admits it to herself, she will then be in a position to tackle the demon!
I was lucky enough to meet a friend who took me to my first meeting over 6yrs ago. I never got it the first night so he took me to another meeting the very next night. I got it then and finally faced up to being powerless where drink was concerned. All I can say is thank GOD!! Best thing that's ever happened to me. For years I still used to say and joke that sobriety was a curse,it is a major blessing in disguise. It's very difficult for ppl who are not alcoholics to understand,so if you want to help her,get her to a meeting. I only ever went to they first 2 meetings,we all have the power within (strength from our creator) to do anything,but there is comfort in knowing that help is there,you never know,maybe that is all she might need. It's like anything in life,she will only do it when she is ready but maybe she is and just doesn't know it...
#19
the cycle of change starts from person wanting to change for the better. until then, most times (as humans do) it's often easier to ignore responsible decisions one has to make and indulge in self-destruction. often it takes a big moment before the person sees the light, so to speak.

for that one fleeting moment where pain is numbed and voices are silenced ... one moment of freedom before sinking to the ground like icarus, flapping wings desperately wanting to save oneself, angry ... then overcome by sleep and forgetfulness. it's a vicious circle and wears down family who care but have to watch the deterioration of reason of people they love.

i'm saying ... sometimes there is a reason why they cant help themselves. and it's about tapping that and helping to trigger change in a person for the better. all the suggestions above are defo pointing in the right direction.
banned#20
guilbert53
This sounds just like my first wife.

I was married to her for 10 years (she was not like that at first of course) but eventually she became a terrible drunk, ringing me and others up at all times of the day or night for no reason. Like your mother, she could be sober for a couple of days, then drink a whole bottle of vodka in an hour or so and go on a real bender.

We had 2 sons (now both in their late 20s) but she would phone them and say she had burglers, but when they got round there she said they had gone away. She was always crying wolf.

I divorced her about 20 years ago. I remember one night in my new house being woken at 2am by knocking on the door. She was drunk, and had driven to my house (about 20 miles) with 2 young children in the back of the car. I refused to open the door.

Eventually she drove everyone away and had no friends or close relatives.

Sadly she had put too much strain on her body with the drink and she died in her sleep about 5 years ago. She was only 52.

I am afraid there is almost nothing you can do for people like this. They seem to have an inability to cope with the world and seem to want to drink themselves to death.

Dont let her drag you down the same way.


Aw what a sad time you have had my heart goes out to you.

Drink can be very evil and addictive.

Take care
#21
guilbert53
This sounds just like my first wife.

I was married to her for 10 years (she was not like that at first of course) but eventually she became a terrible drunk, ringing me and others up at all times of the day or night for no reason. Like your mother, she could be sober for a couple of days, then drink a whole bottle of vodka in an hour or so and go on a real bender.

We had 2 sons (now both in their late 20s) but she would phone them and say she had burglers, but when they got round there she said they had gone away. She was always crying wolf.

I divorced her about 20 years ago. I remember one night in my new house being woken at 2am by knocking on the door. She was drunk, and had driven to my house (about 20 miles) with 2 young children in the back of the car. I refused to open the door.

Eventually she drove everyone away and had no friends or close relatives.

Sadly she had put too much strain on her body with the drink and she died in her sleep about 5 years ago. She was only 52.

I am afraid there is almost nothing you can do for people like this. They seem to have an inability to cope with the world and seem to want to drink themselves to death.

Dont let her drag you down the same way.


yes this is exactly how she is!

she is always crying wolf i dont know why,she always likes to be the focus of everyones attention,the police and ambulance crew know her well!!

she has even cried rape twice in the past year,she has a good laugh at my dads expense about her affairs everything she does she finds amusing its like she feels no shame!

she said its all to do with the menopause she says the doc even tells her that!

in a way it doesnt really bother me as much now as she knows i just steer clear of her when she has had a drink,i moved away from her 4 years ago so i know she wont turn up here,anyway my fella cant stand her so she wouldnt be allowed here!

i feel so sorry for my gran as she cant bear it she worries about her all the time!
i just know and have accepted that one day prob soon she will be found dead i dont think there is any help for her i think she has just become bad to the core,even when i take kids there she makes no real effort with them i feel she just wants us to leave so she can tidy her precious home.

one of the reasons i decided to give it another go with her is because both my fellas parents have passed on b4 our boys were born infact his dad died b4 even my fella himself was born then his mum died a week after our 1st together was born.so i just thought they could do with some grandparents and thought she would love to be part of their life again
#22
ODB_69
How did funeral go? site's looking great seriously, donation is a doddle too!


it went fine thanks very sad as to be expected.thanks very much for donation :)
banned#23
we cannot change who people are and especially people who behave like this. Maybe you and your mother could come to an agreement that you only have contact with her when she as not been drinking, maybe tell her she is welcome for tea and to visit the grandchildren whenever she is not drinking, sometimes we have to make the most of a bad situation

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