Need cheering up, heres my fave(but old) joke, please post me yours - HotUKDeals
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Need cheering up, heres my fave(but old) joke, please post me yours

skusey Avatar
8y, 5m agoPosted 8 years, 5 months ago
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectal deodorant. The pharmacist, a little confused, explains to the blonde that they don't sell rectal deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from the store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes, I've got my old one here," says the blonde. She hands it to the pharmacist. "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant," he says to her.
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
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skusey Avatar
8y, 5m agoPosted 8 years, 5 months ago
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#1
oh dear!
#2
WARNING A SWEAR WORD PRESENT :

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first guy turns to the other one and says “You know, last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense it carries you back into the window”. The Bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.
The second guy says “What? Are you insane? There’s no way that could happen!” No, it’s true” said the first guy, “let me prove it to you”.
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the wind whips him in the window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second guy is astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but it must’ve been a fluke. That was scientifically impossible!”
“No, I’ll prove it again” says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the wind whips him into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.
Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, what the heck,” the second guy says, “I’ve seen that it works, so I’ll try it!”
He jumps over the balcony and rapidly plunges downwards …..his body hits the pavement with a loud “splat”
Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says ……..
“You know, Superman, you’re a real B*stard when you’re P*ssed.”
#3
boza
WARNING A SWEAR WORD PRESENT :

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first guy turns to the other one and says “You know, last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense it carries you back into the window”. The Bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.
The second guy says “What? Are you insane? There’s no way that could happen!” No, it’s true” said the first guy, “let me prove it to you”.
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the wind whips him in the window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second guy is astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but it must’ve been a fluke. That was scientifically impossible!”
“No, I’ll prove it again” says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the wind whips him into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.
Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, what the heck,” the second guy says, “I’ve seen that it works, so I’ll try it!”
He jumps over the balcony and rapidly plunges downwards …..his body hits the pavement with a loud “splat”
Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says ……..
“You know, Superman, you’re a real B*stard when you’re P*ssed.”


got to be one of the best like .....LMAO:w00t::w00t:
#4
haha!!
#5
Two dwarfs go into a bar...

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prosies and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an e*******. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a h*** on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed.."
#6
snowtiger
Two dwarfs go into a bar...

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prosies and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an e*******. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a h*** on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed.."


thats a good one aswell :-D
#7
Three ducks in a bar

A guy walks in to a quiet bar carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the Barman. The Barman is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that people bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the toilet.

Now, the Barman is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation.

"What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks.

"Huey," answers the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh, that's nice," says the Barman. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?".

"Dewey," comes the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."

So the Barman turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."

"No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."
1 Like #8
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
#9
Dickys Family We`re So Poor ,when The Wolf Came To The Door, They Ate Him!
#10
frollickingfrill
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


I like this one and the superman one :giggle:


Q. How many alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. To get to the other side
#11
I thought that this was your favourite one:

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give anyanswers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"
Sara: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?
Sara: "Up the a**e....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
#12
chesso
I thought that this was your favourite one:

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give anyanswers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"
Sara: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?
Sara: "Up the a**e....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!


oh yes, I forgot about that one, thats very good too:thumbsup:
#13
Blonde goes to a chemist and asks for some deodorant

"Aeoesol or Ball" asks the assistant!

"No, just for the armpits" says the blonde!
#14
lol some good ones there

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