need some outside advice marriage please........... - HotUKDeals
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need some outside advice marriage please...........

poochie Avatar
8y, 1m agoPosted 8 years, 1 month ago
in a nutshell, me and hubby went through a rough patch earlier this year resulting in him having an affair and leaving me and our boys, aged 2 and 4. he has paid the mortgage but i have had to pay everything else. i think i have coped pretty well so far but i of course miss him as do the kids. i have asked him to come back for those and other reasons - i miss the company, he cant pay my mortgage forever and afford his own place etc. He says he is sorry and misses us but doesn't want to come back if we'll end up breaking up again. Im not sure if wanting him back for all these practical reasons is the right thing to do as physically i cant bear him touching me. will that get better in time or is it too late? I appreciate any advice anyone could give me as im in turmoil!!
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poochie Avatar
8y, 1m agoPosted 8 years, 1 month ago
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1 Like #1
o goodness.. hugs hun xxxx
#2
hhmmm not a good sign if you cant bear his touch, do you see that changing? long term without that he may stray again :-(
[helper] 1 Like #3
I would advise you have a look at the relate website - even if you decide not to go for marriage counselling they have some links to books that you may find helpful.......

http://www.relate.org.uk/
#4
seriously though... i have an almost 2 year old and a 5 year old and its been a rough ride over the last year... really rough....we have come close to splitting... not that i ever suggested it for the same reasons as u said...mortgage kids etc..... so i can understand y u wouldnt wanna let go...

ok gonna post this and see what other ppl say.... they have a lot more life experience then lil ol me!
#5
You can turn things around with your hubby but only if you really want to.... my husband had an affair after 22 years of marriage and hurt me and our three grown up children very badly.... but true love always wins. I wont say it was easy because you can forgive but you cant forget - it is only time that can dim the memory. That was six years ago and we are extremely happy. I decided that the affair did us a favour in a way - we had forgotten how much we loved each other and we rekindled our love life which had grown boring over the years. We all appreciate each other much more now. Dont have him back if deep down you dont have the love for him that it will take to repair the wounds between you and if you split again the children could suffer. Good luck - try and forget and remember when you first met!!
#6
before u decide anything try RELATE they can help with situations like yours and i speak from experience i felt the same as u but there is hope,do u think u still love your husband?
relate are also free its alot for u to trust him again and have him move back in,
relate is deffinatly worth a go if getting back together is what u both would like
good luck x
#7
im in a relationship but not married. Ive seen two endings to a similar story with two friends;
1) the wife is walking all over her husband now, and because he's still begging for forgiveness she gets anything she wants but does not make her happy. She constantly checks his phone and emails and I dont think she'll ever trust him again.
2) the wife is on her own. tough but I think she's getting through it just fine. She deserves better than her love rat husband and doesnt want her little girl growing up thinking that that negative relationship is normal.

Both have their reasons for choosing that route, but ultimately people always say its down to whats best for the children- but what does that mean? Growing up with mummy and daddy who can't entirely trust each other, or growing up with mummy and daddy separately? Noone can say but you.

You've said you can't bear his touch, this might get easier-you're still getting over the hurt he's caused you and he should not force anything (not that youve suggested this), its your rules now, he's had his fun its time for you to decide whats best for YOU.

Take your time to decide and insist on space while you make your decision-theres nothing worse than being pressured.

In my personal opinion-I would never trust my bloke again if he cheated on me and he wouldnt get another chance. i know it would be hard, but in the long term it would be the right decision for me, as Im quite a paranoid person and would be constantly wondering 'what if' whenever he was late home/not answering a text etc. that is me personally though.

Good luck whatever your decision.
x
#8
i dont really know anything fom experience im too young to marrY! (in my opinion)
But what if you meet someone else and your stuck with someone you dont love. You should see each other regularily for the boys, so its almost as if nothings changed and they are young enough to get used to it quickly and for that to be normal. But you shouldnt stay in a relationship with someone you dont love or trust.

But dont just take my opinion! what do i know!
#9
Having two young children does put quite a strain on a marriage.

Those first few years of having kids means that you are both working hard looking after the kids and also trying to earn a living, pay the mortgage, keep the house going, and in between all that enjoy yourselves.

Sometimes you can feel that all both of you are doing is existing just to look after the kids.

You get few moments alone and your "private" moments in bed together can become non existent.

While not excusing what he did, he may feel thay you and he never had any fun together, that every time he came home from work you were tired, or the house was a mess.

Of course there are also times when you felt the same, that all you were doing was looking after the kids and he never paid you any compliments or made an effort to take the strain of you.

(Trying very hard here not to blame either of you).

I think the important thing is to try to get some time with just the two of you without the kids.

Have you got relatives or friends who could look after the kids while you both go out for a meal, or go for a walk in the country.

If you start getting "feelings" for him again maybe you can even spend a night away together in a hotel while the children stay with someone else.

As I said, these first few years with kids can be a strain for both husbands and wives and you both need to make an effort to spend time with each other without the kids around.

If you can see out the next year or so it does get better as the kids start to go to nursery then school and you will both start to have more free time.

Good luck.
#10
I would suggest you live as cohabiting lodgers that way you can both have a lose relationship, share the bills, raise the kid and possibly grow back together are at least become close friends and give the kids two parents who live together but live separate lives. I would suggest this as the best way to move forward.
#11
i think that u should give it another go my husband left me for another woman and it hurt a great deal, similar to you he wanted to come back ,i had him back for the children and to be honest , the morgage, i also couldnt bear his touchj,,,,,,,but now after 10 years i can honestly say i trust him i know he wouldnt risk it all again and it true if you survive this your marriage will be str5onger than before and surely its worth the chance of happiness..................otherwise you will always wonder what if good luck xxxx
#12
It sounds to me like you want him back for the wrong reasons.
You haven't mentioned anything about love in what you said.
If you both really do love each other then you could make it work.
Could you trust him not to stray again if things got tough?
It's quite understandable you don't want him touching you, after what he's done.
When you're not in such a turmoil, sit down and have a long hard think about what's best for you, and what you want.
Just carry on as you are now.
You need a clear head when making important decisions
Personally, I couldn't trust anyone again, if they had an affair, but everyone's different.
People can offer you lots of advice, but in the end, you'll know what to do.
Hope it works out for you, whatever you decide.:)
#13
Must also recommend relate.

I would like to know whether you felt that way about him touching you before he had the affair?
If you did, I don't see it working. If you feel that way as a result of the affair, there is a better chance.
1 Like #14
My hubby and I split up when my kids were 2 and 3 - everything just got too much. He left for good - or thought he did. But we made a pact to make time for ourselves and before we got back together we went through the dating game again. We ended up getting back together for us - not for the practical reasons. What I am trying to say is - money will always sort itself out eventually - but if you get back together it needs to be for life - so date a bit, have a bit of fun without the kids if you can and see if he is still the man you still love!

Good luck which ever way you decided to go - it won't be easy.
1 Like #15
awwww hugs.
can't say i know what i would do coz i've always said if my hubby cheated it would be the end of our relationship but i really don't know if i could love anyone else as much i do him or if i could get someone to love me as much as he does me. so i think i would work very hard to try and make it work but it would be very hard to forgive him for doing that.
sorry i'm not being much use am i :roll:
what i'm trying to say is that if you really love him and miss him then there is a little hope. just explain you would like to take things very slowly. try going out a cpl of times a week together first before he moves back in and see if your feelings change. of course you can't promise him anything but he should understand that.
hope whatever you decide turns out right. good luck x
1 Like #16
lee dennahy
You can turn things around with your hubby but only if you really want to.... my husband had an affair after 22 years of marriage and hurt me and our three grown up children very badly.... but true love always wins. I wont say it was easy because you can forgive but you cant forget - it is only time that can dim the memory. That was six years ago and we are extremely happy. I decided that the affair did us a favour in a way - we had forgotten how much we loved each other and we rekindled our love life which had grown boring over the years. We all appreciate each other much more now. Dont have him back if deep down you dont have the love for him that it will take to repair the wounds between you and if you split again the children could suffer. Good luck - try and forget and remember when you first met!!


I'm no expert on these matters but I know couples that have broken up with little or no regard for their children! I think you considering this suggests there is something to hold on to and not worth losing? It may even make you stronger as stated by: Lee Dennahy, but you will only know if you it give go! What is there to lose compared to gaining?

I wish you the best of luck!:thumbsup:
1 Like #17
Do it because you love him, Time will heal if you can forgive
1 Like #18
Only time is going to heal this one.

He wandered before, he'll do it again. Especially if he cant cope with you not wanting him to touch you. Depending on how he copes/handles things then both of you living together again could be a recipe for disaster.

If you have any thoughts on what would be uncomfortable, either for you or him, then the best thing to do is to sit down and talk everything through firstly so that you know what to expect from him, and what he can expect from you.

Worst thing you can do is have reservations about something and letting that something fester and end up manifesting into arguments etc then you both would end up back at aquare one along with kids being in the middle of it.

I'd say have a good long think about why you want him to come back and be very thorough about it, then sit down and talk to him at great length about whats on your mind and why, and what his thoughts are towards it.

At the end of the day, if its not going to work then both of you have to work at accepting the outcome and from what your saying so far you both seem to be reasonable and amicable about things. Hope it all goes well for you and works out the way you want it to. Cheers.
1 Like #19
Firstly find out the reasons behind why he did it, u need to address those and resolve it before anything will work. As for your decision in having him back, hun, honestly only u can ever decide that. People have diff views and until they walk your shoes noone can say what they would or would not do.
I know from experience that i preferred to struggle with the mortgage, struggle financially, than be in a relationship where someone who loved me, hurt me. I gradually stopped crying myself to sleep, etc And im in a better place now, many years later so i KNOW i made the right decision.
Though that me, not you. If you want him back , please dont base it on financial, etc. Base it on whether you can forgive him and rebuild your relationship.
To echo what others said. BOTH get along to relate. Thrash things out, talk, cry, do whatever you must and inside you will know whats best for you..
I truly wish you all the best. Whatever you decide. xx
2 Likes #20
Hmm.... I suppose I would take the kids view here, my rents are now divorced, have been since i was about 6. Don't get together "just for the kids sake" It honestly doesnt work, its the 21st century and divorce is more common than pidgeons nowadays. I must say tho, keep in touch and stay good friends, my rents are a nightmare, even 10 years down the line they cant speak even on the phone without some arguement and they still send stupid teenage abuse to each other if something does arrive. STAY GOOD FRIENDS... If not for yourself... for the kids.. =D FInancially i cant help... i spend all my money on here and ebay. Make sure he will see the kids a lot, nothing worse than developing a naff relationship with your dad, especially if your a lad yourself, i did when i was little, only been like the last 2 years that weve relli got close and everthing. Plus the kids will like it, More christmas presents, 2 birthday presents and all that :D Makes the kids more mature aswell, also if your tied financially the kids will be not as spoilt... Mother dearest cant afford anything being single mum 3 kids ect.

Separation of the rents isnt too bad nowadays - There are "plus" sides i suppose as long as you both work together ect.

Hope my story/essay has helped u see what itll be like for the kids :D

Hope it all turns out OK

Bigpoppaad
#21
Lot's of good advice although lots differ. Hope whatever you do makes you all happy :)
2 Likes #22
Thanks for all your advice, it was really helpful to get different perspectives on it. I have some serious thinking to do and all your comments have made my head a lot less muddled. I have always vowed that a cheat won't get a 2nd chance with me, and without trust you have nothing so I guess its not looking good.
Thanks for all your good wishes, rep given.
xxxxxxxx

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