Paddy & Murphy Jokes - HotUKDeals
We use cookie files to improve site functionality and personalisation. By continuing to use HUKD, you accept our cookie and privacy policy.
Get the HUKD app free at Google Play

Search Error

An error occurred when searching, please try again!

Login / Sign UpSubmit

Paddy & Murphy Jokes

ViperKeith Avatar
6y, 8m agoPosted 6 years, 8 months ago
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are
getting on"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want
don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you
get a dodgy one!
----------- --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's
her, she wasn't that tall!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking
like
mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do
?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like
it!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
ViperKeith Avatar
6y, 8m agoPosted 6 years, 8 months ago
Options

All Comments

(7) Jump to unreadPost a comment
Comments/page:
#1
posted these a while ago when someone asked for jokes - weren't well received. They wanted jokes for a 10 year old! Oops!
#2
lol, some good ones there
#3
Mick and Paddy are at the airport.
paddy says ... "jayzus Mick, i wish i'd brought the tv with me"
"why?" says Mick.
"cos i left the passports on top of it!" replies Paddy
#4
Paddy takes some vinegar back to the shop and says this is no good cos it's got lumps in it.
Shop owner says "ya thick tw*t - they're not lumps they're pickled oniions!!"
#5
Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory. 'Just a couple of questions, have you worked with chemicals before Paddy' asks the interviewer. 'Sure I have' replies Paddy. 'Good, so you know what nitrate is' then they reply. 'Arrrgh that's an easy one' says Paddy, 'It's time and a third'.
banned#6
lol ,lads you do know asb is gonna kick asses when he sees this..................






crackin jokes btw rep given:thumbsup:
#7
Paddy gets a letter through the letterbox and it lands on the floor. In big bold letters on the front it says 'DO NOT BEND'. Paddy's still there wondering how he's going to pick it up.



Paddy is walking down the street eating a bag of doughnuts, he meets Murphy who says 'can I have a doughnut if i can guess how many is in the bag?'. 'If you get it right you can have both of them' replies Paddy. 'Is there 4' answers Murphy.


Paddy on death row gets the choice to be shot, hung or injected with the aids virus. He says 'Give me that aids stuff'. They inject him and he starts rolling around the floor laughing. The warden asks 'what's so funny Paddy' to which Paddy replies 'I'm wearing a condom'


Paddy drags a huge box all the way to the Antiques Roadshow which is appearing in his town that week. 'Where did you get this' asks the expert. 'It's been in our loft for 80 years' says Paddy. 'I see' says the expert 'and do you have insurance' he adds. 'No' replies Paddy, 'do you think I should?' 'Yeah' replies the expert, 'It's your water tank'

Post a Comment

You don't need an account to leave a comment. Just enter your email address. We'll keep it private.

...OR log in with your social account

...OR comment using your social account

Thanks for your comment! Keep it up!
We just need to have a quick look and it will be live soon.
The community is happy to hear your opinion! Keep contributing!