Random thread - Putting the fun back into hukd - Your contribution is needed! - HotUKDeals
We use cookie files to improve site functionality and personalisation. By continuing to use HUKD, you accept our cookie and privacy policy.
Get the HUKD app free at Google Play

Search Error

An error occurred when searching, please try again!

Login / Sign UpSubmit

Random thread - Putting the fun back into hukd - Your contribution is needed!

jtx Avatar
8y, 1m agoPosted 8 years, 1 month ago
I'm a bit bored, so heres a random thread for fun, laughter, pictures and whatever else tickles your fancy, although we will have to keep it clean!
jtx Avatar
8y, 1m agoPosted 8 years, 1 month ago
Options

All Comments

(27) Jump to unreadPost a comment
Comments/page:
#1
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What’s are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy, “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” The dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
#2
http://www.visualjokes.com/funny/funny%20pictures%20lost-dog.jpg
#3
Fun thread

Great idea...Why not put em here....^^
#4
lolz @ the condom one
#5
I'm a bit bored, so heres a random thread for fun, laughter, pictures and whatever else tickles your fancy, although we will have to keep it clean!



I would but I think I will end up with a ban :w00t::whistling:
#6
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
#7
fireheaven
I would but I think I will end up with a ban :w00t::whistling:


:roll: on the wine again hun??
#8
Rockhound
Fun thread

Great idea...Why not put em here....^^


Cheers, I didn't know that was there:oops: anyways theres going to be more conversation in mine:p
#9
fireheaven
I would but I think I will end up with a ban :w00t::whistling:


We'll have to create some kind of code;-)
#10
jtx
Cheers, I didn't know that was there:oops: anyways theres going to be more conversation in mine:p


No worries...everyone free to post what they want in my book..:thumbsup:
#11
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
#12
Rockhound
:roll: on the wine again hun??


Nope not yet so once I start I might not be here tomorrow ;-)

jtx
We'll have to create some kind of code;-)



I have done that before but ended up confused by everyone elses codes :oops::roll:
#13
A male and female driver are involved in a horrific collision. As they crawl from the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and beautiful. She turns to him and gushes breathily: “We shouldn’t have survived that. Maybe it’s a sign from God that we’re meant to be together!”
The man stammers back, “Oh yes, I agree completely!”
“And look,” she continues. “Though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine is intact, too! It’s another sign. Let’s drink to our love!”
“Well, OK!’ says the man. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half and hands it back.
“Your turn,” he says.
“No, thanks,” says the woman, “I think I’ll just wait for the police.”
#14
fireheaven
Nope not yet so once I start I might not be here tomorrow ;-)




I have done that before but ended up confused by everyone elses codes :oops::roll:


Go get the wine..... If you go I will be coming with you:w00t:
#15
http://i36.tinypic.com/2ntuwls.jpg
#16
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
#17
jtx
Go get the wine..... If you go I will be coming with you:w00t:



Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men… Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
#18
http://villageofjoy.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/funny-signs13.jpg
#19
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
#20
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
#21
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife and say, ‘How about a **** … and she’s always sound asleep.”
#22
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” the man replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“Can’t,” breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies toilets.”
1 Like #23
How do you get an 80 year old granny to shout c**t...........



Get another one to shout BINGO....
#24
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me.”

Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”

“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”

The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine!!!”
#25
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
#26
jtx
We'll have to create some kind of code;-)




A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
#27
TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just layed there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,
And one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. On TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were doing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Post a Comment

You don't need an account to leave a comment. Just enter your email address. We'll keep it private.

...OR log in with your social account

...OR comment using your social account

Thanks for your comment! Keep it up!
We just need to have a quick look and it will be live soon.
The community is happy to hear your opinion! Keep contributing!