Saturday Night Joke Thread... - HotUKDeals
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Saturday Night Joke Thread...

makershaker Avatar
5y, 8m agoPosted 5 years, 8 months ago
Lets tell a joke to cheer up all us saddos on the internet on a Saturday night....
makershaker Avatar
5y, 8m agoPosted 5 years, 8 months ago
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3 Likes #1
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."
#2
Millions of spiders have been released into Libya.

It's now a no fly zone.
banned#3
moose109
Millions of spiders have been released into Libya.

It's now a no fly zone.


was so terrible but i still had a little giggle
4 Likes #4
Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there.

I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got KitKats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it.
5 Likes #5
I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on about his social life.Just kept going on and on about a huge rave

in b4 wow / strong hate.
1 Like #6
They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

That's why I don't get out of bed until the kebab shop opens.
1 Like #7
Why are these Japanese people making so much fuss last time i had 8.9 Aftershocks i couldn't find my house either!

Rescuers in Japan have called in Elton John, George Michael & Graham Norton to help search through the rubble for injured victims. Their work could prove to be invaluable as they are experts in seeing Japs Eyes covered in ****
#8
numptyj hate Valentine's Day for two reasons:

1. He believes that is just a commercial holiday created by the capitalist juggernaut, designed to scrape a few pounds off of the average hard working human being.

2. He can't get a girlfriend.

:p
#9
I've made a conscious decision to stop eating meat.

Yep from now on I'm only going to eat McDonald's.
2 Likes #10
Today police have foiled a plan by Muslim extremists to hide bombs in tins of alphabet spaghetti. A spokesman said " If one had gone off it could have spelt disaster"
3 Likes #11
I was in McDonald's and this stunning young girl took my order.
"I can make it large for you for an extra 30p," she said sweetly.
"I'm afraid you already have," I replied, "but how about a w**k for a pound?"
#12
moose109
numptyj hate Valentine's Day for two reasons:

1. He believes that is just a commercial holiday created by the capitalist juggernaut, designed to scrape a few pounds off of the average hard working human being.

2. He can't get a girlfriend.

:p


ouch

:p
#13
I had a go at rugby the other day.

I thought I was doing pretty well but all everyone kept saying was "nice try"

Condescending gits!
4 Likes #14
http://img3.imageshack.us/img3/138/funnyletterc.jpg
#15
The only time I'm ever stupid enough to drink drive is when I'm drunk.
2 Likes #16
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have a gun.
Get in the van.
3 Likes #17
two police women are out on foot patrolwith their alsatian dog.One says "I'm Getting a bit cold and I've left my thermal knickers at the station". The other one says, "use the dog, give him a sniff of your whatsit and he'll fetch them for you". So she lets him have a sniff and he runs back to the station. Two hours later he returns with a truncheon, a plastic baton, a baseball bat and 3 of the sargeants fingers.

Edited By: hibees on Mar 12, 2011 23:44
banned#18
numptyj
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have a gun.
Get in the van.


lol numty that was awful
#19
"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" quickly became a feminist anthem for women.

Probably because it's really upbeat and fun to do the hoovering to.
#20
BBC News:
"Birds living around the site of the Chernobyl nuclear accident have 5% smaller brains"

It's a bit like Essex then?
1 Like #21
Not many people know, Jesus had a pretty rampant sex life.

He got laid in a manger and nailed on a cross
2 Likes #22
I went to Poland once.

It was the worst of the Teletubby themed amusement parks.
1 Like #23
So Joe Mcelderry only made it to No.2, what a bummer.

Shame about the single as well.
#24
I saw some graffiti written on a wall the other day. It read: 'Make Bread Not Bombs'

When I saw it the next day it was scratched out and written underneath was: 'Tried Bread, Didn't Explode.'
#25
A Contraceptive Pill.
The second best thing that a woman can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.
#26
Wanted- Argos Vouchers (£95) or discount codes

I have £95 of vouchers all it will cost you is £100 Paypal Gift (To cover costs packaging and postage). Is this OK?

Edited By: gr8h8me on Mar 12, 2011 17:08


lol
5 Likes #27
A man wakes up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking.
He sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
" I'm doing exactley what you asked me to do last night when you rolled in drunk !" she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away, thinking to himself, " I don't remember asking her to cook my sock !!?"
#28
jonb2412
A man wakes up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking.
He sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
" I'm doing exactley what you asked me to do last night when you rolled in drunk !" she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away, thinking to himself, " I don't remember asking her to cook my sock !!?"


lol, I had to read that twice to get it X)
2 Likes #29
Radiation leak confirmed at Fukushima plant in Japan.

The guy who named that plant must have really hated Shima.
#30
why did the hedgehog cross the road?

to see his flat mate!

Edited By: r4ge on Mar 13, 2011 00:51
1 Like #31
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. They tried to make other arrangements, but the train was full and they were both very tired. They agreed to make the best of it for at least one night. There were two berths, and the man gallantly agreed to take the upper one.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you please reach into that closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she said. "Get your own fu***ng blanket."
#32
numptyj
I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on about his social life.Just kept going on and on about a huge rave

in b4 wow / strong hate.


Did he mention the Prime Minister's big election success? :p
#33
Wife goes to the docs with hubby for a check up. After doc calls wife in alone, he says
"Your husband is suffering from severe stress, do as i say and he may live. Each morning give him oral sex, cook him a good meal every night, be pleasant at all times, don't nag him and give him full sex at least 3 times a week. In a few years he'll be fully fit again."
On the way home the husband asks what the doc said to her.
She replies " You're going to die ! "
#34
I know this won't be in the best taste but you probably seen it already ...

I'm currently on holiday in Japan and i didn't realise there were so many Newcastle United fans out here... Everyone's running about shouting "Toon Army"

Sorry ! :(

Edited By: arcangel111 on Mar 13, 2011 01:40
#35
rasanh
A young boy comes home from school one day, and on going to his room, he hears thumping and squeaking from his parents' room. He naively opens the door to see what is going on, and beholds his dad "giving it" to his mom rather vigorously. While his mom doesn't notice, his dad looks up to see him there, and gives him a big grin and a wink.The next evening, dad comes home from work. He hears banging and squealing from his son's room. He opens the door to see what's happening, and the son is banging his own grandmother!The son looks up to see his father standing there, and says, "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

You've gone too far.
#36
i shall delete it
#37
thought it was funny....
#38
rasanh
i shall delete it


sick, but funny! lol
#39
Phoned my boss the other day and said I was sick.

He asked how sick are you?

Well....I'm in bed with my sister so you decide I replied.

Edited By: jiminym on Mar 13, 2011 02:31
#40
Police have confirmed 2 Premiership footballers were victims of burglary yesterday.

Ryan Giggs lost 70 Wales caps, 10 Premiership medals, 2 Champoins League medals, 1 European Cup medal, 5 F.A. Cup medals, 1 League Cup medal, 8 Charity Sheild medals and 1 Super Cup medal.

Robin Van Persie lost a dvd player and toaster.

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