Saturday Night Joke thread ........ "He who laughs last, thinks slowest." - HotUKDeals
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Saturday Night Joke thread ........ "He who laughs last, thinks slowest."

snowtiger Avatar
8y, 2m agoPosted 8 years, 2 months ago
.
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."


An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband got up to go to the kitchen. His wife told him to get her some iced tea, and knowing that the years had taken their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down.

"I can remember iced tea," he protested.

"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."

He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.

"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."

He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.

"Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him, "You forgot my gravy!"
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snowtiger Avatar
8y, 2m agoPosted 8 years, 2 months ago
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#1
[FONT=Arial]Three Old Men[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Three old men were sitting on a park bench comparing notes on the problems of growing old. The first said he couldn't remember the last time he had a good bowel movement. The second one said his problem was more with his bladder and prostate. The third old man laughed and said he must be the lucky one.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial]"Every morning at seven I pee, and then at eight I have a good dump," he told them. " I just wish I could wake up before nine."[/FONT]
#2
Test Question


This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.



The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation in which you will have to make a decision.



Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous.



Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration
to each line.



THE SITUATION:





You are in England , York to be specific.



There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane
with severe flooding.



This is a flood of biblical proportions.



You are a photo-journalist working for a major
newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this
epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.



You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some
disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.







THE T ES T:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken
down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar....

You suddenly realize who it is.... It's Gordon Brown!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him
under forever. You have two options:



You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot
a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting
the death of one of the country's most powerful men!





THE QU ES TION:



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...














Would you select high contrast color film, or would you
go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
#3
skusey;3066291
Test Question


This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.



The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation in which you will have to make a decision.



Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous.



Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration
to each line.



THE SITUATION:





You are in England , York to be specific.



There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane
with severe flooding.



This is a flood of biblical proportions.



You are a photo-journalist working for a major
newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this
epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.



You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some
disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.







THE T ES T:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken
down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar....

You suddenly realize who it is.... It's Gordon Brown!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him
under forever. You have two options:



You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot
a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting
the death of one of the country's most powerful men!





THE QU ES TION:



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...














Would you select high contrast color film, or would you
go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

lmao :lol:
#4
[FONT=Arial] These next couple are stupid jokes, but they make me laugh. Hopefully they will do the same for you ![/FONT]


[FONT=Arial]Three old men were sitting in the park talking. A little girl was in front of them, playing with her dog and listening to them. The first old man said "whoomf." The second looked at him and said, "No, it's whooorf." The third old guy said, "You're both wrong. It's whoompha."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial]At this point the little girl came over with her dog and announced, "Don't be silly. It's whoof, and you know it." She took her dog and left. The men sat there for a moment. Finally one of them spoke up.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial]"I don't know. She's pretty young. I bet she's never even heard a buffalo fart."[/FONT]
#5
[FONT=Arial]A man was carpeting his living room, and once finished, he couldn't find his pack of cigarettes. Then he saw the lump in the middle of the carpet. He decided he didn't want to pull up the new carpet for one pack of smokes, so he took his hammer and pounded the lump flat. His wife came in the room just then and handed him his cigarettes.[/FONT]
[CENTER][FONT=Arial]"I found them in the kitchen," she told him. "Now if I can just find our pet hamster."[/FONT][/CENTER]
#6
[FONT=Arial]An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial]The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn't open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn't open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, "I'll bet the truck won't be waiting for me either."[/FONT]
#7
[FONT=Arial]The man asked the doctor for birth control pills, and the doctor asked why he would need birth control. "To help me sleep better." Birth control pills don't help with insomnia, the doctor explained. "Yes they do," the man insisted, "I put them in my daughter's drink before she goes out and I sleep much better."[/FONT]
#8
[FONT=Arial]Two idiots were trying to light a fire. The first one couldn't get the match to light, and the second one said, "That's strange, it lit this morning."[/FONT]
#9
>
> My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she
> used me to time an egg.
>
>
>
> It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on
> the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
>
>
>
> Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was
> wearing a sexy negligee.
>The only trouble was, she was coming home.
>
>
>
> A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's
> nobody home.'
>I went over. Nobody was home!
>
>
>
> A hooker once told me she had a headache.
>
>
>
> I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
>
>
>
> If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life
> at all.
>
>
>
> I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I
> said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
> She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
>
>
>
> I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.
> That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head
> comes off.
>
>
>
> I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex
> offenders.
>
>
>
> My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the
> kitchen the roaches hang themselves..
>
>
>
> I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got
> arrested for mooning.
>
>
>
> The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I
> asked him, 'Why?'
> He said, 'Because you came home early.'
>
>
>
> My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for
> Alka-Seltzer.
>
>
>
> I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can
> hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
>
>
>
> My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the
> meal.
>
>
>
> My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called
> me from Chicago last night.
>
>
>
> My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a
> boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
#10
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
>
> Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
>
> He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost
> certain to follow.
>
> 'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.
>
> 'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.
>
> This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run
> by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!'
>
> He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'
>
> One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his
> jog.
>
> As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince
> Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer
>
> And Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past
> outings.. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
>
> As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he
> became even more apprehensive than usual.
>
> Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
> as she watched the pair jog past.
>
> Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:
>
> See what you get for five pounds, you tight b*****d?!'
#11
[FONT=Arial]The teacher asked Gupta, "If you had seven cookies and Sanjay asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?" Gupta immediately answered, "Seven!"[/FONT]
#12
A man buys his wife a coat made from 2000 hamster skins.

She wore it when they went to Blackpool for the day ...


he couldn't get her off the big wheel.
#13
A dumb girl goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to
start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The dumb girl counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before
replying, "Ehhhh....22 "

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and
produces a measuring tape from her hand bag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces
"Five foot two"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs
her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself,
before replying, "Mandy"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, miss....We can understand your counting on your fingers to
work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that", replies the girl, "That's just me running through 'Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you.....'"
#14
Paddy and Mick are down the pub, Paddy's outside having a fag and then rushes back in and says:

"Mick! Someones just knicked your car!"

"Oh no, did you see who it was?!"

"No... but I got the registration!"
1 Like #15
Whats MARY short for?

She's got no legs.
#16
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
1 Like #17
skusey;3066429
Whats MARY short for?

She's got no legs.

:w00t: but sooo funny ! xx
#18
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow
#19
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
#20
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does thistaste funny to you?"
#21
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of you trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
#22
awesome!
#23
A lion walks up to an elephant and roars "WHO'S THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?"
Elephant grabs the lion with its trunk and flings him into the distance.
When the lion wakes up, he walks back to the elephant and says in a quiet voice "Look, if you didn't know the answer you only had to ask"
#24
lol love them :)

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