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Skusey's beat the joke thread

skusey Avatar
7y, 10m agoPosted 7 years, 10 months ago
I will start, remember your joke must be funnier than the one before, I will start with an easy one to beat;

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Park Themes and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms! What a fabulous adventure!



Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f****** T***!!!'


The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.....
skusey Avatar
7y, 10m agoPosted 7 years, 10 months ago
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#1
Lol that one was funny ^^^^^^^

Here's mine:-

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
#2
fireheaven
Lol that one was funny ^^^^^^^

Here's mine:-

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"


You are in the lead, will it be beaten?
Winner gets a pearl necklace
#3
skusey
You are in the lead, will it be beaten?
Winner gets a pearl necklace


OOhhhh I never win anything - though I have had lots of those it would still be nice to win
#4
a man walks into the library and asks for a book about how to commit suicide






libraraian replies no way mate you wont return it
#5
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.





The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'



NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
#6
to bring down the competition:

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos Who?
Amos-quito.



Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Andy.
Andy Who?
Andynother mosquito.




Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Omar.
Omar Who?
Omar goodness, not another mosquito!!
#7
tony_s1
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.





The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'



NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.



Lmfao - that is a good one.

Need to find another now :thinking:
#8
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house,
nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year
old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of
things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
#9
Nice thread Skusey.
No jokes for you, just wanted to subscribe. :thumbsup:
#10
An Englishman, an Australian and an Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:

"Please tie a pillow to my back.

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said

smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Frenchman to my back."
#11
tony_s1
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.





The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'



NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.


PMSL!!!! very good :)
#12
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
#13
skusey
You are in the lead, will it be beaten?
Winner gets a pearl necklace


Dude people on here won't know what that is and would probably report you if they knew lol.
#14
What does a 80 year old woman have between her breasts that a 20 year old girl doesn't?



Her belly button!
#15
[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=2]There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"[/SIZE][/FONT]
#16
RuthIess
Dude people on here won't know what that is and would probably report you if they knew lol.



Ohhh I think they do
:whistling:
#17
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
#18
Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!


The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"


"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.


After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"


She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.


One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"


His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."


(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.


Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
#19
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss today.

I walked into B&Q and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking!

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky....

Be careful out there.
#20
fireheaven
Ohhh I think they do
:whistling:


Oh i didnt think girls would know!!! :roll: Even though it's probably been done to them before. Lol.

I think the OP was trying to be rude without everyone knowing it. Cheeky.
#21
The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member
lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the
brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark
down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been
used."
#22
We were asked to dinner by a new friend. When we sat down at the table, we noticed that the dishes were dirty.

"Were these dishes washed?", I asked the hostess as I rubbed my fingers over the surface.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway. Dinner was delicious, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
1 Like #23
magicbeans
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss today.

I walked into B&Q and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking!

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky....

Be careful out there.


Winner.!:thumbsup:
#24
RuthIess
Oh i didnt think girls would know!!! :roll: Even though it's probably been done to them before. Lol.

I think the OP was trying to be rude without everyone knowing it. Cheeky.


Lol you obv don't know the girls on here :w00t: present company excepted tho
#25
A couple at a party.
The husband is telling a laborious story and the wife interupts to say they need to go the babysitter is waiting.

When they get home the husband takes his wife aside removes his trousers and says to the wife "Put these on" , she duly does so and the husband says "Right thats the last time you where the trousers in this house !!"

The wife pauses then reaches down and removes her panties and throws them at the husband saying "Put those on",he does so and the wife says "Right thats the last time you get in those if you talk to me that way again" tara
#26
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.


The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.


'Breast-fed,' she replied.



'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.


She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and de ta iled examination.


Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,


'No wonder this baby is underweight.



You don't have any milk.'


I know,' she said,


'I'm his Grandma,


but I'm glad I came.'
#27
A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.
#28
fireheaven
Lol you obv don't know the girls on here :w00t: present company excepted tho


Mabey i need to get to know some :thumbsup: Lol
#29
This morning on the motorway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman In a brand new BMW.
Doing 75Mph With her face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily But she scared me so much;
I dropped My electric shaver, Which knocked The meat pie out of my other hand.,in all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked My Mobile phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs, Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins,Ruined the phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call.

Blerdy women drivers!!
#30
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
#31
holly100
A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.


should be the winner as I posted this 2 weeks ago
#32
RuthIess
Mabey i need to get to know some :thumbsup: Lol



Good luck with that, they will eat you alive

.......................

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
#33
skusey
should be the winner as I posted this 2 weeks ago



sorry skus - didnt realise - just i just googled jokes - sooo funny though - :thumbsup:
#34
holly100
sorry skus - didnt realise - just i just googled jokes - sooo funny though - :thumbsup:


dont be sorry, I can see a necklace shooting over to you
#35
Jumpingphil
Nice thread Skusey.
No jokes for you, just wanted to subscribe. :thumbsup:


welcome jumpingphil, always nice to hear from you
#36
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.


When I was a kid my dad would say, "holly, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster
#37
what is brown and rhymes with snoop?












Dr. Dre


(sorry for those who find it racist)
#38
matt3454
what is brown and rhymes with snoop?





Dr. Dre


(sorry for those who find it racist)


new leader
#39
The Smithswere unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later,just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,'Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?'said the photographer.'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.Please come in and have a seat'

After a moment she asked, blushing,'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor?No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!',gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,'said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!'Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well -when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?'asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?'said Mrs. Smith,her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied.'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward.'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equip ment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes..Well, if you're ready,I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much t oo big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
#40
Do I win as mine was last and longest.?

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