One night in the middle of a darkened forest, a hunter tried to confront a huge mean bear. In his fear, all of his attempts to shoot the bear proved unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. He kept running and running until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. He looked dismayedhis hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in on him quickly, the hunter flopped down on his knees, opened his arms and proclaimed Dear God Almighty! Please give this bear some Religion!
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few yards short of the hunter, the bear came to a sudden stop and glanced around, looking somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, Thank you God, for the food I am about to receive
Blonde In Disguise
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out 352!He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep.She picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?
The Birds And Bees
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
I dont want to know! the child said, bursting into tears.
Promise me you wont tell me.
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
Oh dad, the boy sobbed, when I was 6, I got the theres no Santa speech. At 7, I got the theres no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the theres no tooth fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups dont really sex, Ill have nothing left to live for.
The director of the CIA decides to test three new agents, a 25-year-old, a 35-year-old, and a 45-year-old. He puts each of their wives in a different room. He hands the 25-year-old a gun and says, Go into the room and kill your wife. The 25-year-old says, I cant do it. I love her too much.
The director hands the gun to the 35-year-old and says, Go into the room and kill your wife. The 35-year-old goes into the room, comes out after five minutes, and says, I cant do it.
The director hands the gun to the 45-year-old and says, Go into the room and kill your wife. The 45-year-old goes into the room. Three shots ring out, and then theres the sound of scuffling and fighting.
The director runs into the room and sees the wife dead on the floor. He says, What happened?
The 45-year-old says, Some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I had to choke her to death!
A farmer goes to the vet and says, My horse is constipated.
The vet replies, Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horses bum and blow the pill up there.
The farmer comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.
The vet says, What happened?
The farmer responds, The horse blew first.
Wont Drink Beer
Theres a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybodys amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
Why dont you order a Guinness? his colleagues ask.
Naah. If you guys wont drink beer, then neither will I.
One night, a father passed by his sons room and heard his son praying: God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.
The father didnt quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his sons door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctors early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, Thank God youre here we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!
A woman goes to the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive got a strange problem and I need your opinion. Can you describe the symptoms to me? he asked.
Well, its easier if I show you, she said, and standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.
They dont hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them.
The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, Are you a lesbian, by any chance?
Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?
Well, Im afraid youll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings arent real gold.