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I am so sorry to type this.....

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I am genuinely so so so sorry to type this and PLEASE PLEASE don't think that it is JUST an attention seeking post - its not..... (Although arguably it could be said that by virtue of its content it i… Read More
cloudthecat Avatar
6m, 5d agoPosted 6 months, 5 days ago
I am genuinely so so so sorry to type this and PLEASE PLEASE don't think that it is JUST an attention seeking post - its not..... (Although arguably it could be said that by virtue of its content it is exactly that - but what I mean is that this isn't the intention or outcome that was proposed) BUT.....

Now, I know that I could equally type this on Facebook or similar - but I don't want anybody that is in my close family to know this or read it or what not.....

So, I thought, I KNOW! My little friends at UK HOT DEALS!

OK, its been a while since I have posted in here and I know a lot of who used to be here are no longer regulars - but if anybody DID rembember me THEN I was fairly chatty back then in here, and so on.....

The point?

Sorry, this is what I mean about please don't take this the wrong way...

My reason or post is that I am very, very, very badly depressed and have been for a while now, I have been on anti depressants on various dosages and so on, but they - I guess - havn't worked....

At the moment - I don't want to tell my close friends as I am trying to deal with it - but I ... really, really do want to ..... You know?

I cant really bring myself to type it.... But, I cant stop crying, shaking and... I know that if I were to (say) tell the Dr, I am concerned or worried about being "sectioned" for my own safety.....

I just don't know what to do.....
The thing is if I tell my Dr (say) how bad I am feeling, I am very much of the opinion that I will be "Sectioned" under the Mental Health Act for my own safety and I really DONT want that - I would rather just go......

I am so, so, so low and sad I can barely finish this or what I want to type without the tears just falling and falling,

I DO have another half - we got married in July - she was my girlfriend at school in the 80's and we met up again years later via Friends United. She knows how ill I am and I have told her that IF IF I do, it is NOTHING to do with her as its not about anything that she could have done - this is ALL ME and I am just at the end .......

I just don't know what to do - I don't WANT to be like this I really don't.

Bizarely I have thought of BEING a counsellor to advise people against this myself......

My Mum did it when I was a baby, my teenage girlfriend did it in the 80's my .... ?

I just don't know what to do or say?

I feel a bit like the Arthur Fowler xmas scene years ago on EastEnders. I too have lost my job, lost my home, was living with my wifes brother, but he asked us to leave, and now am living in a caravan on a holiday home.... And feel that - well I'm unemployable and .... In all honesty..... Why not just GO now....

I am so so so sad I really am and PL:EASE I DONT mean this to be attention seeking - if anything its therapeutic I guess, but don't want my other friends to really know......
cloudthecat Avatar
6m, 5d agoPosted 6 months, 5 days ago
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(5)
30 Likes
Hi cloudthecat. Though I don't know you and don't recall having had any interaction with you here, I just want to say a few things. I hope you don't mind.

First of all, in my opinion, you really needn't apologise for this kind of post. You're clearly reaching out and I don't think any reasonable person would think ill of you for that however/wherever you do it.

Secondly, well done for doing just that. Though I don't claim to understand what you're going through, difficulties with mood and anxiety including depression are incredibly common, especially in (excuse my deduction) middle aged men. They're also incredibly serious. The suicide rates in that demographic are, sadly, very high because many people are simply too proud/ashamed/afraid to reach our for help and become overwhelmed by the illness. You've taken that big first step, which is really positive.

Thirdly, I wanted to try and allay your fears about medical intervention in these kind of situations. People are only placed under a section of the mental health act (or 'sectioned' as you say, though that term has become a bit of a pejorative buzzword) if absolutely necessary i.e. if assessment/treatment is in their best interests, usually in a time of crisis, and the person either doesn't want it or doesn't have the presence of mind to consent to it. You sound very insightful so it doesn't sound like you fall into those categories. The inclination is always to abide by people's wishes as far as possible and opt for the least restrictive option, and when a section becomes involved it is only temporary and under constant review.

Finally I wanted to say that it might not seem like it, but there is always a way to change things for the better. Depression is an illness just like any other and is treatable. Though it can seem difficult to access, there is a lot of help out there from many different angles: your GP, the samaritans, mental health crisis teams, charities like MIND and even hospital A&Es. Professionals in any of these settings are there to help people like you.

Please seek help and involve your friends/family as much as you can. Best wishes and please let me/us know if we can help in any way.
23 Likes
THANK YOU SOOO SOOO SOOOO MUCH ALL OF YOU! THANMKS!!! ITmeans the world to me it realy does
20 Likes
I honestly cant thank you all enough - the comments on here are just so, so, helpful and supportive they truly are. THANK YOU ALL. I have stopped shaking at the moment, and have a clearer idea of what I should be doing I guess.

DEEP BREATHS!!!

God THANK YOU ALL SO SO SO MUCH.
20 Likes
You have done the right thing telling us. I can not belive there is a bloke on here i have not flirted with how did u escape?

I am on phone at mo will chat more later.

I have been were u r had all the stuff ready to do the deed. Hang on in there things will get better i promise speak laters xx

Btw i am a bloke. The only gay in the village
15 Likes
Cloud, well done for taking a very hard step, I have been in your situation before and I am not out of the woods yet BUT I can see the daylight shine through the woods now and I do for from time to time find a nice sunny spot to enjoy the brightness.

I have always had mental health issues since I was a child and I spoke about suicide often and self harmed when angry, i found it difficult to control my emotions and this for me was a form of release, however as I grew I realised it was hurting my mum, her seeing me hurt myself so I learnt to control my anger and stop, however I never dealt with the underlying emotions that caused my anger in the 1st place, this lead to me becoming depressed and on medication after the birth of My eldest, for years I bounced on and off of meds, whenever I felt they had gave me the pick me up that I was needing I thought I was better and stopped, I would then slip back down again.

Things became progressively worse and I developed OCD after my 2nd child was born, again I ignored the symptoms until they came to a head and I felt I could no longer leave the house, this is where my mum intervened and sought medical help on my behalf, I went through CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) and learned to manage my symptoms.

About 2 years back I lived in a high rise flat on the 15th floor.....I still remember how I felt the night that I stood at the open window, how the cold wind felt like a fresh of breath air, a release. I had made my mind up that it would be over soon, no more feeling of failure, no more questioning why, screaming at the voices inside to stop, praying for some peace. I felt how you feel that I was no use to this world, I couldn't be employed in my state of mind, I was a constant worry to my mum, I was a failure of a mother to my children. I would release them from that. Then my youngest walked in and asked me for drink....It was then that I realise that I wouldn't be releasing anyone from anything I would be submitting them to a world of pain,questions, heartbreak, I would be making them feel like they had failed, that they weren't good enough.

I closed the window.

I went to my GP the next day and I told him everything, when he asked did I want to kill myself I told him yes that that was how I felt but I knew it wasn't what I really wanted, it couldn't possibly have been what I wanted, I could have but I closed that that window. I did want to escape but I realised that wasn't the way heunderstood, he didn't judge and neither will yours. He also didn't section me and that was a worry of mine especially as I had the kids but instead he offered support.

Fast forward 2 years!! this is where it gets good , I have had some testing times I won't lie but what I have achieved I am proud of, My Mum went through some hard times and her health isn't so good now but I am there for her and more than capable of being 'her rock' and I was able to support her when she needed it I was 'there' My eldest Daughter has just sat her exams which I have supported and helped her through and she walked away with all A's and B's , I know she put in a lot of hard work, so did I with her. I now am part of a team which runs a charity for children with disabilities and their families, we support upto 25 families, this year we have managed to fund raise to take them for a short break to Haven, we have taken them on day trips, last week we held a massive christmas party for them and this week we finished off the year with a trip to Panto. we also run twice weekly sessions for the kids, their siblings and their parents. Not bad for someone who was unemployable.

That is just a glimpse of my life now but believe me when I say it is very very possible to turn your life around, you are not a failure, you are important, you matter, you are loved.

It's okay to need help, please speak to those who can help you take the next steps towards a better future xx

All Comments

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8 Likes #1
Hang in there, cloudthecat. I can't offer any advice, unfortunately, but try and be strong.

Talk to somebody if you can. The Samaritans do good work and it is all confidential http://www.samaritans.org
8 Likes #2
Call The Samaritans NOW. 116 123 free phone number.
7 Likes #3
If it helps to express your feelings here its absolutely fine!
Just know that you are not 'unemployable' and things will get better.
3 Likes #4
If your meds dont work you have to tell them, there's no one pill cures all, its trial and error so you have to keep them informed of changes so they can figure out what works best for you.

Also have you tried any psychotherapy or asked about the magnetic therapy that's showing promising results, hsve you contacted Mind the mental health charity or SANE for advice.
[mod] 12 Likes #5
Hi cloudthecat
As you know there's nothing much anyone can say to stop you feeling like this. No magic wand. All I can say is I hope you work your way through this; yes it's hard, but in time you will get through to the other side again and come out stronger.
3 Likes #6
Oh Colin, bless you fella! You just made me cry again. Thanks so. so much I didn't even THINK of that I really didn't I am just soo soo sooo lost I reallyu am////
3 Likes #7
Stay strong and has others have said call the Samaritans. Sending you cyber {{{hugs}}}
6 Likes #8
Hi


I have been through things in my life where I've been down.. I don't think to the point that you now find yourself but I have had some very low times, brought on through grief and things I've seen/done.

What brought me round was my family and friends... it takes time but I'd rather spend that time getting myself sorted than think about the other.


Please. Please for the sake of your wife (and or children) seek help and advice.

I don't think anyone here would judge you for attention seeking as there have been many on here that have had bad times and spoke about it. 100% would tell you the same thing. Talking helps.. it's the only thing that does help


<3

from one guy to another... please talk to someone
23 Likes #9
THANK YOU SOOO SOOO SOOOO MUCH ALL OF YOU! THANMKS!!! ITmeans the world to me it realy does
1 Like #10
Pull yourself together and be strong. There are people on this earth who are in much worse predicaments. Your depression is because of various things including a chemical imbalance in your brain and bad luck in life. Your luck can change. Keep striving for success and change will come.
1 Like #11
No words of comfort can truly bring solace to you, and no matter how reassuring my words, l cannot comprehend the utter despair and hopelessness that comes with depression, my only comfort is knowing that you realise the depth of your illness, which is the first step forward, your words are one of sadness, there is no pity in my words, but genuine empathy and for the sake of your loved one, take a day at a time, and my thoughts are with you.
1 Like #12
And it put`s everything in perspective, that today all l`m worried about is getting ban from xbox Live, hope that makes you laugh, take care.
1 Like #13
I feel for you mucker. Maybe a new outlet would give you fresh self worth and give life new meaning. Try looking up a local mens shed group or volunteering if you are up to it (it can be very rewarding if you can spare a few hours).
5 Likes #14
Of course I remember you, in a really positive way <3

Please do go and talk to someone professional, they are there to help. Pick up the phone. I don't think they will try to make you do anything you don't want to do if you're going there under your own steam. But they can't help you if you don't give them the opportunity.

Edited By: moneysavingkitten on Dec 22, 2016 20:48
5 Likes #15
Sorry to hear this OP. Mental ill health is a horrible thing to suffer and medication do not always work. However it may take a few tries of different medication to get the right one for you as everyone reacts differently to medication for this condition.

You have to be open and honest with your doctor in order to allow them to try different medicines to get the right one for you. Don't be afraid to be open about your illness to friends and family as it is no reflection on you. Mental ill health is like any other illness, it can afflict us all at any time. Until you can come to terms with it and seek help, you will be in a very dark place.

Don't underestimate the support that friends and family can give you if you tell everyone you are ill. You will find that most people will be sympathetic and supportive.

Don't suffer alone. There are people that will support you so call on them to support you.
11 Likes #16
Just to add...

You have absolutely nothing to apologise for. It takes strength to bring this subject up.

I sincerely hope that you manage to battle through this.
6 Likes #17
Please talk to someone, there's not much we can do for you but yourself, though it takes courage to speak about mental health like you jusy have so you ain't as weak as you think you are :) Depression is a nasty thing, but the world wouldn't be a better place without you, no matter what you think, you've got a wife and friends who love you and would be devastated to know how you felt and didn't think you could reach out to them. Call the Samaritans... <3

Edited By: LillyM on Dec 22, 2016 20:52
9 Likes #18
MSK!!!!!! ((((HUGS)))
& Purrrrrrrrrrsssss
Thank you sooo sooo sooo much ALL of you,,.......

I REALLY AM Truly sorry to type this I didn't .....

I am at a loss.... I just don't know what I am doing.... I really don't....
I am trying to control my breathing and so on..... I am such an idiot I really am..... If I could get rid of this I would....

Losing my job, my home, (some of) my family, and so on is just a bit too much to deal with over time - don't get me wrong, this isn't a NEW issue - its been getting worse and worse over a period of years - but now...... I cant go any lower than where I am / am thinking..... THANK YOU though for helping me at this moment/.....
8 Likes #19
Just to let you know you will not be sectioned for suicidal idealation, sectioning is for if you are a immediate danger to yourself or others, that normally means you have actually tried something rather then be thinking about it, 1 in 6 people in this country are believed to think about it at least once in their lives and the true statistics are probably much higher.
9 Likes #20
All the best mate <3<3
have to say mental heath care is not the best in this country to say the least......
6 Likes #21
sending lots of prayers your way- this is just a really difficult time for you but you WILL get through it stay strong by believing you will get better and you will have a great future- please never give up things can change in the blink of an eye and you deserve to be happy... just seek comfort in your wife and whoever you surround yourself with... please accept medical help too as this is what helped me- mental health does not get the recognition of physical health problems but there are medications/coping techniques that can help you :)
6 Likes #22
This is not your fault. Sometimes the dark thoughts seem like the best thing. It's truly not!
Your life will be so different in a years time I promise!
You sound like you need to be helping someone else instead of over thinking your situation.
Why not volunteer? focus on something else. (You actually sound like me)

You are worth so much more and the people around you see that. It's hard to see it yourself but when you get through this you will be so much stronger.
7 Likes #23
I feel for you mate, this time last year I was in the same hole and couldnt see a way out, lost my job, threat of losing my house and people I thought would help(In a support way) turned their back
Turned out that there were by 3 best mates who didnt desert me and stuck with it, the rest I learnt the hard way that you meet aquaintances along the way but not many true friends.
Long and short is 12 months on things are so different for me, Its been tough but hang in their kid, try and stay strong and if you cant ask for help.
All the very best to you
11 Likes #24
cloudthecat
MSK!!!!!! ((((HUGS)))
& Purrrrrrrrrrsssss
Thank you sooo sooo sooo much ALL of you,,.......
I REALLY AM Truly sorry to type this I didn't .....
I am at a loss.... I just don't know what I am doing.... I really don't....
I am trying to control my breathing and so on..... I am such an idiot I really am..... If I could get rid of this I would....
Losing my job, my home, (some of) my family, and so on is just a bit too much to deal with over time - don't get me wrong, this isn't a NEW issue - its been getting worse and worse over a period of years - but now...... I cant go any lower than where I am / am thinking..... THANK YOU though for helping me at this moment/.....

Right back atcha <3

https://media.giphy.com/media/10IENocoCoEP2U/giphy.gif

Got as many of these as you can handle :)
banned 2 Likes #25
Very badly or very very badly or very very very badly.

You should have had an assessment to tell you where you are on a scale of 1 to 10.

How many different types of antidepressant drugs have you been on?

Go back to the docs.


Edited By: YouDontWantToKnow on Dec 22, 2016 21:00
6 Likes #26
Right back atcha <3https://media.giphy.com/media/10IENocoCoEP2U/giphy.gif
Got as many of these as you can handle :)[/quote]This just made me SMILE! LOL!!! Thanks sweet.
30 Likes #27
Hi cloudthecat. Though I don't know you and don't recall having had any interaction with you here, I just want to say a few things. I hope you don't mind.

First of all, in my opinion, you really needn't apologise for this kind of post. You're clearly reaching out and I don't think any reasonable person would think ill of you for that however/wherever you do it.

Secondly, well done for doing just that. Though I don't claim to understand what you're going through, difficulties with mood and anxiety including depression are incredibly common, especially in (excuse my deduction) middle aged men. They're also incredibly serious. The suicide rates in that demographic are, sadly, very high because many people are simply too proud/ashamed/afraid to reach our for help and become overwhelmed by the illness. You've taken that big first step, which is really positive.

Thirdly, I wanted to try and allay your fears about medical intervention in these kind of situations. People are only placed under a section of the mental health act (or 'sectioned' as you say, though that term has become a bit of a pejorative buzzword) if absolutely necessary i.e. if assessment/treatment is in their best interests, usually in a time of crisis, and the person either doesn't want it or doesn't have the presence of mind to consent to it. You sound very insightful so it doesn't sound like you fall into those categories. The inclination is always to abide by people's wishes as far as possible and opt for the least restrictive option, and when a section becomes involved it is only temporary and under constant review.

Finally I wanted to say that it might not seem like it, but there is always a way to change things for the better. Depression is an illness just like any other and is treatable. Though it can seem difficult to access, there is a lot of help out there from many different angles: your GP, the samaritans, mental health crisis teams, charities like MIND and even hospital A&Es. Professionals in any of these settings are there to help people like you.

Please seek help and involve your friends/family as much as you can. Best wishes and please let me/us know if we can help in any way.
9 Likes #28
Also I have 3 kids and I was terrified that they would be taken off me that I pretended I was ok. I was like a robot it was awful.
I realised that I wouldn't get better without any help. I phoned a mental health charity here (northern Ireland) I had the best therapy I ever had.
I was allowed to cry without someone trying to stop me. I walked out of the sessions feeling like I left everything in that room.
I am on antidepressants and the feelings of complete worthlessness are thankfully numbed.
They never truly go away but with help I can catch myself on.
Take one day at a time and please pm me if you need anything.
3 Likes #29
YouDontWantToKnow
Very badly or verry very badly or very very badly.

You should have had an assessment to tell you where you are on a scale of 1 to 10.

How many different types of antidepressant drugs have you been on?

Go back to the docs.
2

And at the moment I am at number 8 or 9 as I am .... Well, just .... I hope that I wont - as I know its not the answer in the LONG term, but..... The pain in the short term is so high that I am just wanting to end it - the metaphorical noise in my head and lights and so on,..,.. I am just ill - I know I am but I cant seem to see a way out or get better ..,, This isn't a NEW thing its been a good few years and now I have just about got to the end of it.,, But..... As I say, I hope I don't but I really DO WANT TO at the momemt....... I am so so so hurting I really am......
4 Likes #30
take care my friend, I don't know you but I understand your words. Nothing I can say or do as an individual will make things right but if you look at all the collective comments and total strangers heartfelt and comforting words perhaps you will realise that most people understand and have probably helped loved ones through the same thing. Please believe us that your not alone as I suspect this post is going to attract a lot of supporting comments for you , this time of year is notorious for making matters worse but please open your heart to your wife and family as soon as possible. If your not comfortable with that please call the Samaritans before this pushes you to the point of no return, the best medicine is to lay all your cards on the table and I bet very few if any will judge you negatively. take care and if you need to let of steam just message me.
3 Likes #31
cloudthecat
Oh Colin, bless you fella! You just made me cry again. Thanks so. so much I didn't even THINK of that I really didn't I am just soo soo sooo lost I reallyu am////


All I can further is, don't give up. You are more loved and stronger than you think you are. Talking to someone, anyone, everyone will help.
banned 1 Like #32
cloudthecat
YouDontWantToKnow
Very badly or verry very badly or very very badly.
You should have had an assessment to tell you where you are on a scale of 1 to 10.
How many different types of antidepressant drugs have you been on?
Go back to the docs.
2
And at the moment I am at number 8 or 9 as I am .... Well, just .... I hope that I wont - as I know its not the answer in the LONG term, but..... The pain in the short term is so high that I am just wanting to end it - the metaphorical noise in my head and lights and so on,..,.. I am just ill - I know I am but I cant seem to see a way out or get better ..,, This isn't a NEW thing its been a good few years and now I have just about got to the end of it.,, But..... As I say, I hope I don't but I really DO WANT TO at the momemt....... I am so so so hurting I really am......

Go back to the docs & tell the you have "metaphorical noise in my head and lights"

Now that could be the drugs or you have a more serious illness. In anycase the drugs you are on do not work unless you only started them in the last few weeks.
20 Likes #33
I honestly cant thank you all enough - the comments on here are just so, so, helpful and supportive they truly are. THANK YOU ALL. I have stopped shaking at the moment, and have a clearer idea of what I should be doing I guess.

DEEP BREATHS!!!

God THANK YOU ALL SO SO SO MUCH.
5 Likes #34
Hey man,

I've been in the same boat as you, I'd love to go into more detail but can't right now, but ring the samiratans, they're really good. And if you get a dud person on the phone to start with, call them back until you get a nice one :-)
7 Likes #35
You're very brave & should be applauded for your post. I too feel lost. I have been this way for a few years. I lost everything and don't see any point in my existence. I hope you see that at this time of year it hurts most. I lack the guts to kill myself & will delete this soon,
3 Likes #36
One thing that helped me was writing stuff down, and taking that to the Doctor, because the simple act of going to the Doctor lightened my mood so he couldn't see me in my normal state.

That and going teetotal.
8 Likes #37
Muscles200
Pull yourself together and be strong. There are people on this earth who are in much worse predicaments. Your depression is because of various things including a chemical imbalance in your brain and bad luck in life. Your luck can change. Keep striving for success and change will come.


This is the last thing people with depression need to hear. I know that you are just trying to help but it really is not. It makes people feel more worthless
3 Likes #38
IamMT
You're very brave & should be applauded for your post. I too feel lost. I have been this way for a few years. I lost everything and don't see any point in my existence. I hope you see that at this time of year it hurts most. I lack the guts to kill myself & will delete this soon,


Oh no please don't let this illness win
5 Likes #39
cloudthecat
I honestly cant thank you all enough - the comments on here are just so, so, helpful and supportive they truly are. THANK YOU ALL. I have stopped shaking at the moment, and have a clearer idea of what I should be doing I guess.
DEEP BREATHS!!!
God THANK YOU ALL SO SO SO MUCH.

You see. Even total strangers on an internet shopping forum are supportive of you, so imagine what everyone else around you will be like when you tell them your illness and ask for help.
2 Likes #40
I'm sorry to hear this op, Please speak to the Samaritans they're wonderful and will hopefully help you, Don't feel guilty for the way you're feeling. I guess your emotions might be heightened too with the time of year. You really have nothing at all to apologise for. Honestly lot's of people have been in similar situations and I've questioned life myself in the past, of course I've felt guilty too as most will. I've been in some dark places and luckily for me I've dealt with the problems and I'm very happy now.

We're approaching a new year, First step is to speak about it, open up. Chatting to us on here will hopefully relieve some of that weight you're carrying in your head. You will probably benefit from Counseling too etc..

Deal with the small things first and then take little steps rather than thinking too far ahead. It will be a long road but you will get there so long as you get help now.

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