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Tell me a really funny joke!

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Tell me a really funny joke! Read More
snowflake75 Avatar
suspended4m, 2d agoPosted 4 months, 2 days ago
Tell me a really funny joke!
snowflake75 Avatar
suspended4m, 2d agoPosted 4 months, 2 days ago
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(5)
10 Likes
Laid in bed with the girlfriend last night when she said "I have a confession to make.... I used to be a Christian."

I said "That`s ok I have no problem with that".

She replied. "Oh that`s good. I much prefer being a Christine"
10 Likes
WARNING: Adult themes, but if this doesn't make you laugh there's something wrong with you.


A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor started to flat-line, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she must have choked."
9 Likes
My wife and I were walking down the street the other day when we came across three men attacking my mother-in-law. My wife turned to me and said, "Aren't you going to help?" to which I replied "No, I think 3 should be enough."

-- Les Dawson (I believe)
9 Likes
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day some builders turned up to start building a house there. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all of them rough diamond types, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay packet containing £5.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own wage packet at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the clerk, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless c**ts at B & Q ever bring us the f**king plasterboard".
8 Likes
Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . .
ByJohn W. Osborne Jr.on 30 July 2012
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my ****.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, **** in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my **** while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-

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#1
knock knock
7 Likes #2
Following the death of his wife a thrifty Yorkshire farmer visited the offices of the Yorkshire Post. After 50 years of happily married life he felt that an obituary would be in order.

When the receptionist on the desk informed the farmer of the cost he exclaimed in true Yorkshire fashion. “How Much?!”

Then he reluctantly produced his wallet saying .
“I want summat simple, my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ‘ave wanted nowt sw!$%y’.

"Perhaps a small poem,” suggested the woman at the desk.

“Nay,” said the farmer “she wunt ‘ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put; ‘Gladys Braithwaite’s died’”

"You need to say when” he was told by the receptionist.

“Do I? Well, put died 17th March 2016. That’ll do.”

“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.”

The man considered this proposal for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed.’ That’ll do.’

“You can have another four words,” explained. the woman.

“No, no!” he cried, “she wouldn’t ‘ave wanted me to splash out.”

“But the extra four words are included in the price,” the woman told him.

“Are they? You mean I’ve paid for ‘em”.

“Yes, indeed.”

“Well, if I’ve paid for ‘em” exclaimed the man, “Then I’m ‘avin’ ‘em.”

The obituary appeared in the Yorkshire Post the next morning.

Quote:
Gladys Braithwaite died
17th March 2016.
Sadly missed.
Also Tractor for sale.
8 Likes #3
Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . .
ByJohn W. Osborne Jr.on 30 July 2012
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my ****.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, **** in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my **** while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-
7 Likes #4
The police came round to the house last night,

They showed me a picture and asked "Is this your wife, Sir?"

"Yes", I replied

Then they said "I am afraid it looks like she has been hit by a bus"

I said -"I know but she's good with the kids"
:smirk:
banned 6 Likes #5
http://i68.tinypic.com/2vlwsia.png
#6
Are you the new princess23?

Edited By: RossD89 on Jan 20, 2017 13:57
9 Likes #7
My wife and I were walking down the street the other day when we came across three men attacking my mother-in-law. My wife turned to me and said, "Aren't you going to help?" to which I replied "No, I think 3 should be enough."

-- Les Dawson (I believe)
1 Like #8
Three boxers were having a fight outside a bar ...


















Can't remember the punch line.
7 Likes #9
WARNING: Blonde joke. Those who are easily offended should skip this post.


A blonde female police officer pulled over a blonde woman for speeding.

The blonde Cop approached the car and asked the blonde for her driver's license.

The blonde Driver asked, "What does a driver's license look like?"as she searched through her purse.

The blonde Cop said, "It's a little thing with your picture on it."

The Driver pulled out her powder compact, opened it, looked in the mirror and handed it to the officer.

The blonde Cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the blonde and said, "If you'd just told me you were a police officer, we could have avoided all this."
5 Likes #10
WARNING: Another blonde joke. Those who are easily offended, blah blah blah.




A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says "No, I'm actually a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
#11
What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing they just waved.
suspended#12
3guesses
WARNING: Blonde joke. Those who are easily offended should skip this post.


A blonde female police officer pulled over a blonde woman for speeding.

The blonde Cop approached the car and asked the blonde for her driver's license.

The blonde Driver asked, "What does a driver's license look like?"as she searched through her purse.

The blonde Cop said, "It's a little thing with your picture on it."

The Driver pulled out her powder compact, opened it, looked in the mirror and handed it to the officer.

The blonde Cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the blonde and said, "If you'd just told me you were a police officer, we could have avoided all this."


I'm blonde... but this is funny!!
4 Likes #13
Just heard the guy who was suing Jet2 for missing luggage has lost his case
1 Like #14
WARNING: A final blonde joke. Easily offended, etc, etc.




An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant's position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.

He asked: "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"

After a moment's thought the blonde replies: "I'd have to say the living one."
3 Likes #15
what do you call a crocodile in a vest?

an investigator!

cheesy but funny!
6 Likes #16
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"No," she replied. "Not yet."
#17
There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"
2 Likes #18
Bloke goes to the doctors and says
" doc you gotta help me my dick has turned orange"
Doc has a look and sure enough it is and says to the guy " do you work in a chemical factory or have any unusual hobbies?
Guy replies " nope not really , I just like eating family bags of wotsits and watching porn".
2 Likes #19
And in the interests of balance:


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It is an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain".

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."
suspended#20
plodging
Bloke goes to the doctors and says
" doc you gotta help me my dick has turned orange"
Doc has a look and sure enough it is and says to the guy " do you work in a chemical factory or have any unusual hobbies?
Guy replies " nope not really , I just like eating family bags of wotsits and watching porn".


omg lol
9 Likes #21
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day some builders turned up to start building a house there. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all of them rough diamond types, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay packet containing £5.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own wage packet at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the clerk, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless c**ts at B & Q ever bring us the f**king plasterboard".
2 Likes #22
Another blonde joke
Donald Trump and Boris Johnston in a room.......
2 Likes #23
Q: How do you annoy Lady Gaga?

A: Poke her face.


I thank you.
#24
Conjunctivitis .com .. Now there's a site for sore eyes ( Tim Vine)
5 Likes #25
A bus full of chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one chav asked the blonde serving them, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
1 Like #26
Bloke lying in bed kept awake by next door neighbours dog barking all night . He gets up goes missing for 5 mins then comes back to bed . His wife says " where you been ?"
Guy replies " I have put that dog in our garden , see how he likes it "

Edited By: plodging on Jan 20, 2017 14:28
#27
The queen is opening up a brand new cemetery. Everyone is dying to get in ! :-) x
#28
Are all the leftover Xmas crackers opened now?
1 Like #29
A dyslexic guy goes skiing and says to his mate " I am going to go zag zigging down this hill " .
His mate replies " you mean zig zagging"
Guy says " nope zag zigging"
His mate replies " go ask that bloke over there on the sledge"
Guy goes to guy on sledge and says " do I zag zig or zig zag down the hill?"
The bloke on sledge says " don't ask me I am a tobagganist"
To which the guy replies " cool , 20 Lambert & Butler please "
1 Like #30
Danielj88
http://i68.tinypic.com/2vlwsia.png

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving along the road in Heisenberg's car and are pulled over by the police, the officer approaches the car:

Police Officer: Do you know how fast you were driving sir?
Heisenberg: No but I know exactly where I am.
Police Officer: You were travelling at 86mph
Heisenberg: That's just great, now were lost!!
Police Officer: Open the boot sir.
Police Officer: Do you know there's a dead cat in here?
Schrodinger: Well I do now.



Edited By: spoo on Jan 20, 2017 14:44
2 Likes #31
Bloke goes to the docs and says " could you take a look at my dick"
Doctor gives it a thorough looking at and says " It looks OK to me"
To which the guy replies " yeah I know , it's a beauty ain't it"
#32
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!"

The bar goes quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
2 Likes #33
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I had started but not finished.... and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, 1/2 a bottle of red wine, a small box of chocolates, 3 shots of tequila, a can of cider and some cheese triangles.

You have no idea how good I feel.
10 Likes #34
Laid in bed with the girlfriend last night when she said "I have a confession to make.... I used to be a Christian."

I said "That`s ok I have no problem with that".

She replied. "Oh that`s good. I much prefer being a Christine"
6 Likes #35
A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father ponders for a moment,then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned.

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with George Clooney for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers."

The father replied "That's my boy."
6 Likes #36
A woman is in bed with her husband's best friend. They make love for hours and afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver and chats away cheerfully. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great. Thanks. Okay. Bye-Bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
10 Likes #37
WARNING: Adult themes, but if this doesn't make you laugh there's something wrong with you.


A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor started to flat-line, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she must have choked."
1 Like #38
why did the blonde stare at the carton of fruit juice? it said concentrate :p

Edited By: loumar76 on Jan 20, 2017 15:59: dumb mistake
#39
A dangerous method for taking ectasy has emerged in Yorkshire. It's called "e by gum"
5 Likes #40
loumar76
why did the blonde stair at the carton of fruit juice? it said concentrate :p

Oh dear.

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