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tell me a joke the sillier the better

stephen25uk Avatar
6y, 4m agoPosted 6 years, 4 months ago
hit me with the best jokes you have,the more stupid the better.....for example.....two parrots sitting on a perch one turns to the other and says,can you smell fish
stephen25uk Avatar
6y, 4m agoPosted 6 years, 4 months ago
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1 Like #1
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue. Doctor: "What
happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time
my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have the perfect medicine for that" he said. "When your
husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start
swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow
until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh
and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came
home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and sure
enough he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
#2
Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.

Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him

'Tim what does your father do for a job'

"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men.

If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."

The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.





'No' said Tim "He plays for England, but I was too embarrassed to say."
#3
I think you have been waiting for this very thread for ... how long - two years??? skusey.
Hahaha

@ Skusey - daily joke - time for a resurgence,
#4
whats the difference between an elephant and a biscuit?
u cant dunk an elephant in your tea

that was the very first joke i ever learnt, and iv always remembered
#5
two fish swimming in a river and it starts raining
one says to the other, "quick lets get under this bridge so we dont get wet"

why do elephants paint their toenails red?
so they can hide in cherry trees
#6
long one

man walks into a bar with an alsation and the barman says
"hey u cant bring that great bg dog in here, u'll have to tie him up outside"
so the man takes the alsation outside and ties him up, comes back in and orders a drink.

about ten mins later a woman walks in and ask who's is the great alsation tied outside?
"mine" says the man
"well I'm dreadfully sorry" says the woman " but my dog has just killed it"
"what kind of dog do u have?" asked the man
"a chiuaua"
bewildered the man asks "how on earth does a tiny chiuaua kill my great big alsation?"

the woman answers "it got stuck it its throat and choked him"!!!

telling that from memory so sorry if iv told it badly
#7
BBC NEWS: Microsoft founder pledges fortune

Has he not got anything better to do than Polish his own money?
#8
A recently retired gentleman went to the post office office to apply for his pension.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his retirement application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
#9
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.

How do you confuse an idiot?
Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.
banned#10
Heard about the new viagra eye drops?

They make you look hard.
#11
all good jokes guys..cheers,not heard any new ones for ages
1 Like #12
A boy says to his dad "whats the difference between realistically and theoretically"
dad says go and ask your brother,mother,and sister if the they would sleep with wayne rooney
for a million quid,come back and tell me there answers.

boy goes away asks them all,comes back to his dad and says,"dad they all sid they would sleep with wayne rooney for million quid but i still don't understand the difference between realistically and theoretically"

Dad says to him "well soon theoretically were sitting on 3 million quid but realistically we are living with two slappers and a poof.
#13
I always give up my seat on the bus to a pregnant woman. but thats how I lost my bus driving job.
#14
What do you use a wombat for?

...

...

...

PLAYING WOM!
1 Like #15
Why don't anteaters ever get ill?

...

...

...

BECAUSE THEY ARE FULL OF ANTY-BODIES!
#16
Why shouldn't you share sweets with prawns?

Because there Shellfish...
#17
stephen25uk
A boy says to his dad "whats the difference between realistically and theoretically"dad says go and ask your brother,mother,and sister if the they would sleep with wayne rooneyfor a million quid,come back and tell me there answers.boy goes away asks them all,comes back to his dad and says,"dad they all sid they would sleep with wayne rooney for million quid but i still don't understand the difference between realistically and theoretically"Dad says to him "well soon theoretically were sitting on 3 million quid but realistically we are living with two slappers and a poof.

HAHAHAHA - Like this!
#18
What's black and white and eats like a horse?

...

...

...

A ZEBRA!
#19
whats brown and sticky................








a stick.
#20
why did the boy take a pencil to bed






so he could draw the curtains
#21
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
1 Like #22
one from my 7 year old

how do you make a snooker table laugh?
you put your hands in its pockets and tickle its balls
1 Like #23
Paddy and Mick fall down a hole, Paddy says to Mick "Mick is it Dark down here" Mick says "I dunno Paddy I cant see" X)

Climbing out of the hole Paddy falls and breaks his leg, Paddy says to Mick "Mick call me an ambulance" Mick says "Paddy is an ambulance, Paddy is an ambulance" :)

When an air ambulance finally arrives it takes both Paddy and Mick towards the closest hospital, Paddy says to Mick "Mick if this helicopter was to turn upside down do you think we would fall out" Mick says "No chance Paddy sure we have been friends for 25 years"

lol I grew up with those kinda jokes, and others that could no be repeated.
#24
What did one snowman say to the other? "You smell carrot"? lol I think I got that in a cracker
#25
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Cause he only cums once a year


Im away....... you have started me
banned#26
sparkyIreland
Paddy and Mick fall down a hole, Paddy says to Mick "Mick is it Dark down here" Mick says "I dunno Paddy I cant see" X)

Climbing out of the hole Paddy falls and breaks his leg, Paddy says to Mick "Mick call me an ambulance" Mick says "Paddy is an ambulance, Paddy is an ambulance" :)

When an air ambulance finally arrives it takes both Paddy and Mick towards the closest hospital, Paddy says to Mick "Mick if this helicopter was to turn upside down do you think we would fall out" Mick says "No chance Paddy sure we have been friends for 25 years"

lol I grew up with those kinda jokes, and others that could no be repeated.


lmaoo sounds like the sort of jokes my friend would come out with.
1 Like #27
I have a cracker of a joke for a party, especially if you don't mind being embarrassed by having to tell a crap one first, probably would work better in a party of strangers lol, bit long winded but sure here ya go.

Right so the joke is in two parts, the first part is a joke that is not funny and makes no sense.

Paddy Irish man, Paddy Scotch man, and Paddy English man are having a brick throwing contest, Paddy English man throws his brick 10 feet in the air, Paddy Scotch man throws his brick 20 feet in the air, and Paddy Irish man throws his brick and it doesn't come down (Then just start laughing as if its funny) people will look at you like your stupid.

Right so hit them with the second part of the joke later on when people are drunk, tell them you have a better one.

There is a little old lady & her wee dog, her dog is the most important thing in her life, she loves it dearly. She has to go and visit her daughter who lives abroad, so she books a first class ticket for her an her we dog, anyway when boarding the plane the air hostess says "Hold on lady, you cant bring that dog onboard, it is passengers only, it has to go into baggage" So they argue back and fourth and eventually the old lady agrees to the dog going into baggage"

The old lady is a bundle of nerves the whole flight, she has never been separated from her we dog its whole life, she is rattled by a bang from out the window, she looks out the window, guess whats on the wing???? Guess?? (Everyone says the we dog)

Hit them with it : "Paddy's brick" lol
#28
couple of high school ones i grew up with

what do you call an irish poof......Pat Magroin
a russian poof.....**** macockov
and a scottish poof Ben doonagian
#29
A blondes idea of safe sex.........a padded dashboard
#30
Is a hippopotamous a hippopotamous or a really cool opotamous?

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