The Male Commandments
1. Thou shalt not rent Sleepless in Seattle.
2. When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be....is it appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.
3. When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
4. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothin'.
5. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
6. When in need to go pee, there is a minimum of one empty urinal between you and another man. If this is not possible, you're out of luck----hold it 'til later.
7. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%).
8. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
9. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
10. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
11. Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.
12. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own----weed whacker, car, firstborn child----within 12 hours' notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don't notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.
13. It is OK to cry only during the following situations: When a heroic dog tries to save his master; The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbottoning her blouse; After wrecking your boss' Ferrari; One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game; When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw.
14. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
15. Do not torpedo single friends: If you're married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, "So when are you two gonna walk the plank?" Punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your rugrat's toys for two years.
16. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.
17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
18. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game .
19. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail out a friend within 12 hours.