The dangers of using the internet under the influence of alcohol are prolific, albeit some being much the same to using your body, mouth and hands in a built environment.
As you twirl towards your computer, spraying your cat with vodka and look down a tunnel to the 'On' switch. To press it or not? It does seem an awfully long way away, but your arm extends like an uncontrollable Slinky - by some miracle the computer whirs on! A decade passes, during which a heap of empty bottles have appeared to your right. Suddenly, from your flat, you are on the doorstep of the world, so confident - you need not knock!
Where to visit? Ebay is always a good place to visit, always good deals on there. Can't go wrong with ebay. You realise you have been meaning to buy a ride-on lawnmower, so you bid on one. Congratulations! The grass in your flat will never be long again!
But, this is your big night! You have started to feel a bit down and lonely, so a dating site is called for. Which to choose? XXXDate, looks good, everybody seems to be smiling there - at least you think they are smiles. In for a penny, in for a pound. So you sign-up, almost immediately youre offered two PS3 games just for winking at someone on a webcam, that has to be a good offer, surely.
Convinced your actions have been fully justifiable, you decide to sign up to an internet forum. The meeting place of many hermits. Deciding to continue the theme, you choose a "hot" one. Flames beginning to dwindle, you decide to post a thread, and you will happily be blunt with a hint of a lie. Just a moment ago, you were an army, now your comrades have revolted against you. Just you and your bottle, against the world.
But the world becomes one giant internet person, like a shoal of fish shown a dolphin. A swirling mass of confusion. Your verbal attacks begin to be intercepted by a third party. The words jumbled, making each of your blows weaker and more importantly making you look like the illiterate fool you are not. And you know youre not, because Tony Blair, who has now joined you, tells you that you are not.
You remain there, sturdy as ever, ensuring each arrow-like comment is responded to. These comments come in a tempestuous torrent, you are slowing, your words being jumbled more and more as time progresses - you fear Tony is an imposter. You know giving a response to each arrow, may take hours, if not days, yet you continue one by one. By this time, you've begun to ignore the callings of your body, except you've noticed a disgusting smell that lingers.
You look to your left, a new mountain of glass has appeared. This time multiplied by four. You look to your right, the heap that was once there has sprouted a tree, that now towers over you. Glancing back to your computer, you notice you've gained three. An overwhelming sinking feeling drowns you, now you must reply to hundreds of speeding people. Each blow now falls like a feather. No two neighbouring words are spelt correctly. You feel you must continue, your liver disagrees.
You look around you now, there are pieces of rice everywhere. They almost remind you of that curry you ate earlier. You notice the cushion your sitting on has grown in size, squishy - cold but comfortable. You decide now is the time to sleep. Content with your work, the friends you have made and the things you have done. Your life wouldnt have been complete without this experience.