time for some jokes... - HotUKDeals
We use cookie files to improve site functionality and personalisation. By continuing to use HUKD, you accept our cookie and privacy policy.
Get the HUKD app free at Google Play

Search Error

An error occurred when searching, please try again!

Login / Sign UpSubmit

time for some jokes...

geek grrrl Avatar
9y, 8m agoPosted 9 years, 8 months ago
if you've got a good joke, tell us!!

here goes...

2 monkeys are about to have a bath, one gets in and goes "oohooheeheehaaahaaah"
the other one says "i told you to check the temperature first"

mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon all go to bed.
baby balloon is very naughty and starts to let down mummy balloon, they daddy balloon, then himself. in the morning mummy balloon wakes up and says
"Not only have you let me down, you've let your dad down, and you've let yourself down!!

whats green hairy has lots of legs and great big fangs?
i dont know but.....
there's one on your neck!

im really bad at jokes arent i :giggle:
geek grrrl Avatar
9y, 8m agoPosted 9 years, 8 months ago
Options

All Comments

(107) Jump to unreadPost a comment
Comments/page:
Page:
#2
teehee, I like those :giggle:
#3
What you call a blind Bambi?

No idea
#4
how do you keep an idiot in suspense...

I'll tell you tomorrow
#5
[FONT=Courier New]Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London.
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair'.
Paddy says to his pal 'Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose,and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us.
I'll speak in my best English accent.'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will' replies Mick.
They go in and Paddy says 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and...'
The owner of the shop interrupts 'You're from Ireland, aren't you?'Well ... yes', says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d' y' know dat?'
The owner replied 'This is a dry cleaners.' [/FONT]
#6
bazr
[FONT=Courier New]Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London.
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair'.
Paddy says to his pal 'Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose,and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us.
I'll speak in my best English accent.'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will' replies Mick.
They go in and Paddy says 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and...'
The owner of the shop interrupts 'You're from Ireland, aren't you?'Well ... yes', says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d' y' know dat?'
The owner replied 'This is a dry cleaners.' [/FONT]

im irish and that is funny lmao:giggle: :giggle:
#7
Lol thats a good one bazr
#8
It's the end of term, and all the kids are bringing presesnts for their teacher.

A kid who's dad has a flower shop gives his present to the teacher and the teacher says: Is it flowers? The kid says "Yes miss!"

A kid who's dad owns a sweet shop gives his present to the teacher and the teacher says: "Is it sweets?" And the kid says "Yes miss!"

A kid who's dad owns a bar gives his present to the teacher, and the present has a leak in the bottom. The teacher wipes the bottom of the present and licks it, and asks "Is it lager?" And the kid says "No miss!" and the teacher tastes it again and asks "Is it wine?" and the kid says "No miss, it's a puppy!"
#9
paddy the electrician was sacked from prison service today for refusing to repair the electric chair. He said it was a [email protected] death trap
#10
esims84
paddy the electrician was sacked from prison service today for refusing to repair the electric chair. He said it was a [email protected] death trap

lmao :giggle:
#11
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...
A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Fanny Green.
That is your sin?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Hail Mary"
The man leaves.


Soon, another man enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month.
The priest thinks to himself this Fanny Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...
Those are your sins?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys."
The man leaves.


Soon, another man enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last six months.
This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Fanny Green?
Just a woman I know, Father.
Very well, you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Marys."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Fanny Green woman is...

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it.

She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart. The priest cannot help but stop and stare.
He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy

Pssssst. Is that Fanny Green?
The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
#12
Some good jokes, keep them coming :)
#13
PMSL @ Fanny Green:w00t:
#14
two fat blokes are in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' the other one says 'so are you, you fat ******!'
1 Like #15
Q) What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black white?

A) A nun rolling down a hill

Q2) Whats black and white and laughs a lot?

A2) The nun who pushed her
#16
an irish family have been found frozen to death outside theDublin Odeon, They have been queuing for 3 weeks to see 'closed for the winter'
#17
:giggle: Stupid people, dont they know it got poor reviews.......What do you mean that wasnt why it was funny????? :giggle:
#18
a man walks into a bar and says "ouch"
#19
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a near miss the other day.

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy, dressed in orange, asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky !. . . . . . . .
#20
geek grrrl
two fat blokes are in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' the other one says 'so are you, you fat ******!'



Gets me every time :giggle:
#21
Why are fire engines big and red?

Because if they were small and green they would be peas!!! :giggle:
#22
had a load more but my phone decided to delete them all
#23
Language Barrier

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and indesperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...








scroll down................










scroll down.............






her husband speaks english
what were you lot thinking
#24
SAINSBURY'S CAR PARK SCAM

Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst in the car park of my local Sainsbury's. Simply going out to get the shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your bags into the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a sponge and soapy water, with their breasts almost falling out of their wet, skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket store. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, and the other one steals your wallet whilst you are distracted.







I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday,





and very likely again this coming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.
#25
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ! ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
#26
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
#27
A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of
her ear

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'

She says 'Nasty?........... it's just the tip of the iceberg!
#28
upmyloft
A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of
her ear

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'

She says 'Nasty?........... it's just the tip of the iceberg!

hehe, made me giggle
#29
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one!
#30
An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.

One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.

When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.

The old man responded "That's ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms."




It's been determined that it's a bad idea to give chocolate to a woman with PMS. It can worsen the condition.

However, it's an even WORSE idea to try to take AWAY chocolate from a woman with PMS.
#31
jeremy beadle has a big willy
..on the other hand its quite small
#32
An old farmer went to town to see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."

"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge", whispered Mildred.

"What", said Marge.

"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.

"What makes you think that", asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."

"I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn."
#33
2 nuns in a car driving along when a vampire jumps out in front of them first nun show him your cross second nun rolls down her window and shouts F***KING GET OUT THE ROAD
#34
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, "Do you have widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widde white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She puts her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
#35
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of
the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night
off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just
enjoy his evening off.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the
party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there,
as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself
in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him
upstairs, then into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled.

"Jeeves," she said, "take off my dress."

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties."

As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She then said,
"Jeeves, if I EVER catch you wearing my clothes again, you're sacked!"
#36
one more before I dissapear for a while, its abit racy :whistling:

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to have sex with everyone except his wife. One day, he is going on a buisness trip, and before he leaves, his wife says, ''I'll leave you if you sleep with anyone on your trip.''
He is driving to his destination, and he sees a sign that says ''Church of Latter-Day Saints *****house -- 10 miles.'' He thinks to himself, ''I'll just ignore it or my wife will leave me.'' There is a sign for it every mile, so he finally breaks down and goes where the sign says to go. He knocks on the door of the *****house and a nun comes to the door. The man says, ''Where can I get a *****?''
The nun says, ''I'll need $500 first.'' The man says okay and pays, then asks about his ***** again. The nun replies, ''We will need another $100.'' The man pays then asks for his ***** again. The nun says ''Okay, see that hallway. Wait for 15 minutes. Go straight, left, straight, right and you'll see a door.''

He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot. His car has a sign on it that says, ''Congrats. You have just been screwed by the Church of Latter-Day Saints.''
#37
A nun and her brother are playing golf. The brother hits a ball and it misses the hole, so he says "Damn it! Missed the b ugger!"

The nun then says, "If you swear like that, then God will strike you down where you stand."

Her brother, who isnt very religious simply shrugs and says 'Oh whatever!'

So, he hits another ball and this also misses. He stamps his foot and says "Damn, missed the b ugger." God is watching all of this and suddenly, a bolt of lightning comes down and strikes down the nun.

God, up in the sky, says "Damn, missed the b ugger!"
#38
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
#39
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy" :giggle:
#40
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Post a Comment

You don't need an account to leave a comment. Just enter your email address. We'll keep it private.

...OR log in with your social account

...OR comment using your social account

Thanks for your comment! Keep it up!
We just need to have a quick look and it will be live soon.
The community is happy to hear your opinion! Keep contributing!